Baseball, Equilibrium and Such

Once every two months I spend $15 bucks to get my haircut. That means I spend $90/year on something I could give two flying fucks about. I could give a shit about my hair. The thing about getting your haircut is this: having to deal with the moron cutting your hair.

Now, Im not trying to offend anyone but does it really require that much skill to cut hair? I understand professional stylists and what not, but Im talking the run of the mill Great Clips employee.

The requirements to work at Great Clips are these:
1. A gay male, or overweight female.

Theres no way around this one. I have never gotten my hair cut by a hot girl at Great Clips. Its not going to happen. Instead, Jabba the Hut with her elastic-band stirrup pants gets to have her time with me.

2. Said employees must have IQs in the teens and live in a trailer park.

Sorry, its true. This is extremely easy to prove. Just wander into your local Great Clips, take a look at the flashy clothing and immediately drive to the closest trailer park. The people change, but the scenery is exactly the same.

The IQ part is just a given. I mean, I have my haircuts down to a science. "4 on the sides, layered on top, blended in, off the ears, no sideburns." NEVER HAPPENS!!! I swear, if I hear someone say to me one more time, "Wow, you have extremely straight hair, I think its gonna stick up for a couple weeks", right after they get down chopping it off, Im gonna die of a fucking anueryism. Listen princess, the reason I told you to keep my hair layered on top is because is sticks straight up if you cut it too fucking short. You think I dont know my own hair? Did you not comprehend what the fuck I asked you to do?

The thing is this, they never listen...then they act surprised when the hair starts sticking up. God it pisses me off.

3. No matter how un-interested the customer acts, you must try and talk to them.

Look, I came in to get a hair-cut. Dont ask me these questions:
A. "How are you doing today?"
B. "What do you do for a living?"
C. "Can I interest you in buying ______?"

First off, I came into get a haircut. I didnt come for conversation. If I felt this intense need to go talk to someone, I sure as hell wouldnt come to Great Clips.

Secondly, what the fuck does it matter what the hell I do to make money? I'm so pissed at people asking me that question that I just lie my ass off. Today, I told this lovely lady that I "played the lottery for a living". I swear to God, I told her that I played $250 in Cash 3 tickets a night to win $500. And that if you do it that way you have a 25% chance to win everynight. Now most people would think in their head..."If hes winning 500 every fourth night, that means hes losing a total of 750 the other three nights".

Lastly, I use the cheapest shampoo available. Again, I dont give a fuck about my hair...dont waste your breath, I dont care.

I dont mean to rip all over these people...but fucking christ, cut my hair and get on with life. And another thing, I dont want to see pictures of your fucking kids all over the mirror. Its disturbing enough to see myself coupled with your enourmous breasts brushing against my ears.

If God himself came down, sat himself on my bed, and told me that he could grant me one wish, this would be it:

I would want someone to go on MTV's "I Want A Famous Face" and request to be Michael Jackson. Screw world peace, world hunger, crime, etc...I want to laugh my ass off at someone for a solid thirty minutes.

Yes, I know Im going to hell, and I dont mind.

The Greatest Poker Hand Ever:

So get the picture....its Doug and Derek, inebriated, coked up on greenies, and desperate...this is commentary less than ten minutes after this hand.

All night we were getting our asses kicked. Left and right, one punch in the gut after another. Then this beautiful thing happened, I won $121 on one hand of poker:

***** Hand History for Game 522468523 *****
3/6 TexasHTGameTable (Limit) - Tue Apr 13 02:10:13 EDT 2004
Table Las vegas players (Real Money) -- Seat 2 is the button
Total number of players : 10
Seat 1: kir111 ( $180.50)
Seat 2: ekezz ( $146)
Seat 3: B00051 ( $87)
Seat 4: kinkead ( $39)
Seat 5: UpDaRizzle ( $99)
Seat 6: Da__One ( $169.50)
Seat 7: Bryons ( $114)
Seat 8: DonT2 ( $74)
Seat 9: snapple154 ( $89)
Seat 10: skessler ( $159)
kinkead posts small blind (1)
UpDaRizzle posts big blind (3)
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to snapple154 [ Kc, Ks ]

Alright, the second best hand in poker. Once already tonight, Ive had my pocket kings busted by pocket aces. Ive had pocket jacks busted by pocket queens...Im cynical...I hate my life.

Da__One folds.
Bryons calls (3)
DonT2 raises (6) to 6
snapple154 raises (9) to 9

If Im going out, Im going out in a blaze of glory.


skessler folds.
kir111 folds.
ekezz folds.
kinkead folds.
UpDaRizzle folds.
Bryons raises (9) to 12

Fine asshole..go ahead and re-raise me. Im drunk, Im rich (on gambling), and Im gonna fuck your little sister.


DonT2 calls (6)
snapple154 calls (3)

** Dealin Flop ** : [ 3d, Kd, 8c ] g

Alright, Ive got the nuts, as of now the only way i can lose is if another player is holding two diamonds and outdraws me....like I said, Im going out in a blaze of glory...fuck it all.

Bryons bets (3)
DonT2 calls (3)
snapple154 raises (6) to 6Bryons raises (6) to 9

Ok, Im re-raising everyone because I have the nuts....and Im getting no respect.

DonT2 raises (9) to 12

Keep raising me asshole, Im gonna be owning your mortgage soon.

snapple154 calls (6)
Bryons calls (3)

** Dealing Turn ** : [ 2c ]

Alright, so a club comes, I've still got the nuts by a long shot...no one can beat me right now.....yet these assholes keep betting.

Bryons bets (6)
DonT2 calls (6)
snapple154 raises (12) to 12

Call my shit you motherfuckers, go ahead and call it you pieces of shit.

skessler: ...
Bryons raises (12) to 18
skessler: ..
DonT2 raises (18) to 24snapple154 calls (12)

Alright, Ive got the nuts and people are re-raising behind me. Fucking christ, I love my life.

Bryons calls (6)

** Dealing River ** : [ 2s ]

Alright I've got a full house, the only way I can lose this hand is if someone had pocket twos. Those motherfuckers wouldnt be re-raising me with pocket twos..so im going out with a blaze of glory.

Bryons bets (6)
DonT2 folds.

snapple154 raises (12) to 12

Ive basically got the nuts, and these fuckers keep re-raising me.

Bryons raises (12) to 18
snapple154 raises (12) to 24Bryons calls (6)

** Summary **
Main Pot: $193 | Rake: $3
Board: [ 3d Kd 8c 2c 2s ]

Bryons balance $42, lost $72 [ Kh Qh ] [ two pairs, kings and twos -- Kh,Kd,Qh,2c,2s ]
snapple154 balance $210, bet $72, collected $193, net +$121 [ Kc Ks ] [ a full house, Kings full of twos -- Kc,Ks,Kd,2c,2s ]

I OWN YOU BITCH!!!! YOU BOW DOWN TO ME!!!! RE-RAiSING ME WITH NOWHERE NEAR THE NUTS!!!! FUCK YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!!

Is there anything sadder than seeing someone wearing one of those "hand's free" devices for their cell phone? I mean, seriously, how tired are those people. I can understand the people that wear them in the car. There is still no doubt that it is gay, yet at least they are trying to be safe. However, these assholes who wear it as a fashion accessory, no.

How in the hell can they look in the mirror and think that anyone takes them seriously? Is there anything more hillarious than seeing anyone use one of those pieces while their hands are actually, "free". That my friends, is comedy. If I was govenor, Id make those fucking things illegal. In all honesty, Id rather the roads we travel on be more dangerous than to continue looking at morons who wear that shit.

In other news, I pruchased the Guns and Roses "Greatest Hits" album today. There was no band better the GNR during the late 1980s and early 1990s. Seriously, they fucking kick the shit out of any band from that time period. If that band ever gets back together in the original lineup, I will shell out tons of money to see them.

Continuing the discussion of music, on MTV2, they did some countdown of the 22 Best Bands or something another. Anyways, they were discussing Nirvana and all of these old fuckers were trying to talk about how deep his lyrics were.

This one incredibly old fucker was trying to say that Kurt Cobain foreshadowed his own suicide through the lyrics of "Come As You Are". In that song, Cobain says over and over again, "And I swear that I dont have a gun." Now, the song is about how most people are incredible assholes and they want to exert their influence over people through violence. As in a government's use of fear to control people. He wants people to listen to his message and not be scared of him.

Meanwhile, youve got numbnuts on the screen repeating those lyrics with a mock lump in his throat. "Incredible" he keeps saying. You dumb motherfucker, hes not talking about suicide. Jesus christ. How is that guy 1) employed and 2) on MTV discussing the top 22 bands of all time when he has no clue what the song hes referring to is even about.

Thats just sad that they allow shit like that to happen.

This is the lyrics from U2's song, "Exit", from the Joshua Tree; Its depressing, no doubt, but its some good shit. Coupled with the music; this song is completely bad ass. Go on Kazaa and steal this shit for all I care:

You know he got the cure
You know he went astray
He used to stay awake
To drive the dreams he had away
He wanted to believe
In the hands of love


His head it felt heavy
As he cut across the land
A dog started crying
Like a broken hearted man
At the howling wind
At the howling wind


He went deeper into black
Deeper into white
Could see the stars shining
Like nails in the night
He felt the healing
Healing, healing
Healing hands of love
Like the stars shiny shiny
From above


Hand in the pocket
Finger on the steel
The pistol weighed heavy
His heart he could feel
Was beating, beating
Beating, beating oh my love
Oh my love, oh my love
Oh my love


My love


Saw the hands that build
Can also pull down


The hands of love

Two Quick Things:

Never do business with Fisher Investments because they've asked me back for a second interview. My first interview was so horrible that I was the one who intiated the ending. Anyways, I must be up against retards.

Secondly, Im at a gas station tonight and there is a man of, shall we say, Middle-Eastern disent behind the counter. He keeps mumbling shit at me about beer and stuff that I really have no idea what hes talking about. However, Im trying to keep eye contact with him to make him think that I totally understand where he is comming from. He then pulls out this deck of playing cards with US Political and Army Figures pcitured on them.

So I ask him about where he got those and he mumbles something about his "brothers in-line with Allah". But hey, good times.

No One Wants To Fuck Jessica Simpsons Brain

Via MTV News:

"In Washington, D.C., recently to perform at the An American Celebration at Ford's Theatre event with Patti LaBelle and Michelle Williams, Jessica Simpson was given a tour of the White House and was introduced to Interior Secretary Gale Norton. "You've done a nice job decorating the White House," Simpson told her, according to the Chicago Sun-Times. ..."

Wheel of Fortune

A long time ago in a huge executive board room, a group of television executives held an extremely sensitive meeting concerning the programming on their channel. See, they knew game shows were a hit among the public but they felt that game shows like Jeopardy only appealed to a small part of the viewing public. In their opinion, the game-show market wasnt reaching its potential. "What game show could we create which would tap into the stupidity of the American pulic and induce such a demand that it could run for twenty years or more?"

As soon as that thought escaped the tongue of the executive, a man shot up from his seat and exclaimed, "Eureka!!!! Our problems have been solved!!! We can create a game show called Wheel of Fortune where even the dumbest of dumb people can watch and play along!!!"

And that was how the game show for America's retards was born. Let me explain to you something about Wheel of Fortune, ITS FOR FUCKING IDOITS!!! I mean, come on, its hang-man with a fucking wheel. I never realized how grotesquely dumb it was until I watched an ENTIRE episode tonight.

First off, it requires NO SKILL at all. I mean, sure, you can "practice" spelling....but most people stop after their weekly spelling tests end in the fifth grade. Just to confrim the stupidity of the show I am going to give you an example:

Alright, the category was "Clue" which meant that the puzzle was a phrase and if you answered the puzzle correctly you got a shot and answering the clue. If you answered the clue, you got another $3,000. So this was on the board:

"A Roman _od or The Planet Closest To The Sun"

Now, the womans who turn it was had no idea how to even solve the puzzle. She kept thinking for a minute and decided she would spin and hope that the missing letter would come to her during the spin. The wheel lands on "Lose A Turn", but shes got her free spin from an earlier round and envokes that clause. So, she decides she better try and solve this puzzle...she starts reading the board...stops after Roman...pauses...and then YELLS "GOD" once she realized that was the answer.

Pat Sajack then saunters over to her and asks her to answer the question for an additional $3,000. Her answer: "Pluto".

It gets better, once she realizes she is wrong, she says, "The Moon".

Now, if Im the producer of the show, Im cutting to commercial with the hope that no one really stops and thinks about her two answers. She answered the planent FURTHERST frmm the Sun and an satellite which isnt even a fucking planet.

These wrong answers do not deter the young lassie, "Saturn...Jupiter...Mars..MERCURY!!!" Then she jumps up an down after she gets the question right. Gallileo would have been proud. Pat Sajack would have gained a lot of my respect if he just told her, "After the show, would you do mankind a favor and go play hopscoth on any highway?"

But my story doesnt end there. The girl who won the show kept going bankrupt at the begining of the show because she refused to solve the puzzle and kept spinning the wheel. Before the final round Pat Sajack says to her, "Way to stick with your strategy and not get deterred from all of the bankrupts. That flusters some people and they cannot compete later in the game."

Pat, buddy.....spare me. Like theres ANY strategy AT ALL for "Wheel of Fortune". That would be like me telling a race car driver at the Daytona 500, "That was a good strategy to keep turning left. Some people get bored and re-enact Dale Earnhardt by going into a curve and turning right. Good call, buddy."

Do you know the alphabet, yes. Can you read, yes. Thats the only skills you need.

Yesterday, I get a call from Apple concerning my I-Pod.

Obviously this call isnt verbatim, but its pretty fucking close:

Apple: "Mr. Childers we are calling to inform you that your 6 month warranty is about to expire for your I-Pod. Up to this point, calls to the tech-support staff and all hardware defects are free of charge. However, after April 1, these services will discontinue. However, you can continue this warranty an additional six months for a one-time charge of 24.99. "

Me: "Thats alright, I havent had a problem with my I-Pod."

Apple: "Yes, however, after this warranty period expires any call to our customer support service will cost 49.95."

Me w/ annoyed tone: "Ive never felt the urge to call concerning any problems."

Apple: "Yes, also, any hardware defect will be replaced free of charge."

Me: "Actually, you mean at 24.99"

Apple: "No, free."

Me: "No, see, Im paying you 24.99 for additional coverage which means that if I need anything replaced, it will have already costed me 24.99."

Apple: "Thats one of looking at it."

Me: "Im pretty sure thats an accurate way of looking at it. Regardless, I dont forsee any problems."

Apple: "You are aware that once your intrenal lithium battery expires you will have to replace your entire I-Pod, correct?"

Me: "Huh?"

Apple: "Yes, our customers have reported that once their internal lithium battery expires, the entire I-Pod is rendered useless unless you install a new battery. Unfortunately, this product defect wasnt discovered until after the I-Pod had been on the market for quite some time. However, the cost of replacing this battery will be covered under your extended warranty."

Me: "So you are telling me that you sold me a defective product and to make up for it, I get to give you some more money so that it will one day be corrected."

Apple: "Again sir, thats one way of looking at it"

Me: "No thanks, once this battery expires I'll just buy a Dell MP3 player."

Apple: "But Sir..."

Me: "I suppose thats another way of looking at it."

CLICK

Seriously, the nerve of some fucking companies. They admitted that they fucked up with the design of the product and want me to spend more money to remedy the problem. This is another brillant plan from a company that decided it would GIVE away tons of Macs throughout public schools under the thought that kids would become familiar with these computers and then buy a Mac once they become consumers. How did that plan work out? It worked out so well for them that I cannot think of anyone that owns an Apple computer. Brillant.

Is there anything more awkward than watching TV with your Dad when some Viagra or Levitra commercial comes on? They show some 50 year old dude talking about how his Dr. prescribed this great medicine in order for him to get ready for battle. Theres always this long silence where both of us sit there and stare at the TV hoping that the other isnt thinking about what the other is thinking about.

I am officially considering moving away from this great land of ours. This move has been considered after realizing I live within a nation of idoits.

Example #1: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/fakemillion1.html

First and foremost, this lady tried to pay for $1,500 in merchandise with 2 Wal-Mart Gift Cards with around $2.00 bucks available on both of them. Once she realizes that $1500 doesnt equal $2, she offers to pay with a $1,000,000 dollar bill. Now, the REAL tradgedy of this is that the cashier accepted the bill, and then called the manager over to ask if they had $998,000 in change!!! How can any living person be that dumb. If Im given a million dollar bill, I laugh and think its a joke or tell the person to get lost. This cashier took the bill and then typed in $1,000,000 and THEN decided she might not have enough change in her cash register, so she calls over the manager.

Example #2: The Peoples Court, Judge Judy, and Judge Joe Brown

Nothing makes me feel better about my life than watching morons try and settle lawsuits on these TV shows. For example, today, a 15 year old girl tried to sue her hair-dresser for $3,000 because she was given a bad hair cut. Even though the hair cut only cost her $25. She attributed the other $2975 to potential lost wages during the month it took her hair to grow out. See, shes a "model" apparently. The only problem was that shes never actually modelled. In fact, her claim was, "I know I could be a model, but I couldnt for a month and so I think I deserve the money that I could have made." Stop, go back and read that statement once again. SHES NEVER BEEN A MODEL!!!!! YET, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL!!! You know what else you aren't an intelligent human being.

The very next case, this guy goes to buy a cell phone, his credit sucks so he cant get approved. So the MANAGER of the cell phone store says to another customer, "Would you mind us giving a phone to this guy in your name so that he can get approved?" Mind you, this other customer had no idea who the guy with bad credit was. So obviously, he says, "Yes". But wait, it gets better. The guy who has the cell phone decides hes not gonna pay his bill. So the guy whose credit is getting ruined turns the phone off. So the guy who had has phone turned off and never paid his bill SUES THE GUY WHO TURNED HIS PHONE OFF!!!! Jesus Christ, its raining stupid people.

By the way, I just head this from CBS Basketball Commentator Clark Kellog:

Cue 'Insightful' Former Basketball Player Voice:
"He is shooting 1 for 1 which is a great field goal percentage but not near enough shot volume."

Wow, thanks. I, as part of the viewing public, would have never been able to come to that conclusion had it not been for Clark Kellog. If Im in charge of CBS Sports, once I hear him say that, he's fired. No questions asked.

TWO NEW BLOGS

First and foremost, I would like to introduce you to my new blog about my poker experiences. If you think girls and shitty music pisses me off, wait till you read about some of the hands I've lost at online poker.

Secondly, most of you know my obsession with fantasy baseball. Furthermore, most of you know that every year my team sucks ass because I draft the biggest pussies on the face of the Earth. The Fantasy Baseball blog is a blog that everyone from my league can use and rant about how shitty their team is.

That is all.

Im watching TV and see a commercial for "The Best of Hootie and the Blowfish". Apparently, they have a greatest hits album out. Now correct me if Im wrong, but wouldnt their greatest hits album just be a re-release of their debut album. I mean, did they really have a career after that one summer?

And also, Im really sick of these reality-talent shows. I have never watched one single episode of American Idol and I never will. What I dont understand is why every show feels the need to blatantly copy the style of American Idol. For Christsakes, ESPN has their own reality show based on American Idol themes. Are you kididng me? If I see another commercail for "Dream Job", Im gonna make Stuart Scotts other eye go lazy. What I dont understand and what really pisses me off, is that people who will not vote in the upcomming elections will sit in front of their TVs and vote on the next American Idol.

SATAN CREATED I-TUNES

I dont steal music from artists. Instead, I slowly but surely bleed my bank account of money through downloading MP3s on I-Tunes. Before I had I-Tunes, I would hear a song on the radio or MTV and think, "Hey, the next time Im in Best Buys I'll think about getting this album". The odds of me actually going and buying that album was 1/10. Simply because Im a lazy asshole. Now, Ive got Best Buys on my fucking hard-drive.

I think to myself, "I really want to hear some Alice in Chains" so I start downloading albums. Its so fucking addictive. It takes 4 seconds/song. Its gotten so bad, that Im downloading albums I already own because Im too lazy to fucking rip them onto my computer.

My addiction reached a low point about eight minutes ago. Tonight, at trivia, I heard the George Michael song, "Freedom 90". For some reason, I really love the drums and piano on that track. So I went and downloaded it. Now, Ive just realized Ive downloaded the gayest song on the face of the Earth.

Do you know how hard it is to look in the mirror and realize that not only did you just download that song, YOU FUCKING PAID FOR IT. This is why I will never try Heroin or Cocaine. Because I know I will love it and become a strung-out junkie. I'll end up giving guys like George Michael hand jobs off Piedmont in order to support my habit.

Random, Disgruntled Thoughts

Early this morning on MTV2, there was this video by a girl who was doing a jazz/soul version of The White Stripes, "Fell In Love With A Girl". First off, I hate the White Stripes. Secondly, this girl is gonna make money by covering a song that isnt even five years old yet. What the fuck??? Sure, she put different music to it...but cmon, that must have taken all of one day for an accomplished musician.

And how much do I hate Gideon Yago from MTV News. Theres no way in hell thats his real fucking name. And even if If thats on his drivers license then he deserves to get his ass kicked for the simple fact that his name is Gideon. The reason I hate him more than anything, is because hes one of those kids. You know, one of those kids who wear sports jackets over grungy t-shirts to complement their cool, trendy Clark Kent glasses.

And while Im bitching about MTV News correspondents, John Norris, get a grip with reality. There is absolutely no reason to dress like you are 20....WHEN YOU ARE FORTY.

You know, as I keep typing, I get more and more pissed off at MTV. So here it goes:

These "True Life, Im a Teenager Mother", thats not entertainment for me. That just pisses me off knowing Ive got to pay for some trashes kid.

And honestly, P. Diddy, "I think I know, and I have an idea". Because these whole Diary episodes where stars act like their lives or so friggin hectic and demanding, SAVE IT. If you hate it so much, go pump gas at Quick Trip and shut the fuck up. If I see another millionaire look into the camera with this serious/deep look and spill their guts into the camera about how tough it is to be rich and famous, I'm going to drive to New York and drop kick Gideon Yago. Ok, I wont actually do that, but you see the amount of pent up anger I have invested in MTV.

I would like to thank MTV for showing Jessica Simpson though, she might have moved into my top 5.

Continuing my assualt on television, I need to stop watching Full House at 5am because I might die of an anueryism. Seriously, how in the hell was that show popular. DJ was fat and ugly. Uncle Jesse was a tool. Im not saying anything im just saying that you never saw Uncle Joey with a girl...just thought Id bring that up. Bob Saget was kind of funny. Only because whenever I see him, I just think of the scene in "Half-Baked". Kimmy Glibert, her dad must have had pictures of the executive producer mounting a sheep, because the only thing she adds to the show is additional shit.

I feel much better now.

Derek Brought This On Himself

Alright, around a year ago, Derek Chelf and I got drunk watching Jeopardy. The final question was, "What was the biggest state in the 19th century". I answered Missouri strictly on the basis of Manifest Destiny. The United States felt that any land was ours, and since no state was "erected" to the west of Missouri before Missouri...Missouri continues indefinitely. Thats how it works. Thats the idea behind Manifest Destiny.

Its like this. Someone gives you a piece of land with no boundaries. Where does your land extend to? Well, it extends until it hits someone elses land. Therefore, Missouri continued indefinitely until Nebraska, Colorado, etc.. was established. HENCE, when Missouri was first founded, it was the biggest state of the 19th Century. I dare you to try and prove me wrong.

MANIFEST DESTINY GODDAMMIT

From another extended abscence, Im back.

Well, Ive got some real sad news to report. One of my best friends ever is no longer with us/me. We had to put Freckles down two weeks ago. Its times like these, real late at night, that I miss her most. She would come into my room once my parents went to sleep and hang out with me. We both loved to sleep all day and stay up all night long. She was so awesome. I swear, she understood me more than most people.

The night before we put her down, she wouldnt go to sleep. After twelve hours of her not sleeping, we knew something wasnt right. The next morning I woke up real early and she still hadnt gone to sleep. I called my mom and dad up and they decided we needed to take her to the vet for the inevitable. My mom got home and was already in tears. We put Freckles in the car and drove her to the vet. On the way, we got her a hamburger at McDonalds. The entire trip to the vet I was fighting the lump in my throat. I kept thinking about her throughout my entire life. Freckles has been part of our family since I was in third grade.

Once we got to the vet, we went into the examination room. My dad signed the appropriate forms, and I couldnt be there anymore. I got down on my knees and told Freckles that I loved her and that I would always miss her. By then I was sobbing and Freckles, being Freckles, just licked away at my tears.

Lewis Grizzard wrote about his dog, Catfish, that: "There were times he was all that I had." And thats how I feel about Freckles too. There were just so many times that her prescence and love pulled me through difficult times. She was one of my best friends and I will forever miss her.

My interviews

Im too fucking honest. I really am. It kills me. I have had two interviews where I have shot myself in the foot without even trying to get the job. And these were jobs that I wanted.

The first job was for "The Myers Group", which is a health-care firm that supplies information to companies concerning what health insurance plans the companies shoud use for their employees. Basically, you get paid to research tons of different options, etc..

Anyways, this guy asks me , "Do you mind montomous data entry?"

Now, most NORMAL people woud say, "Oh, it doesnt bother me at all. Im prepared to do whatever it takes so that your firm can understand what a dedicated employee I am."

I knew I should have said that, but you know what I said, "Well, I wont slit my wrist over it"

WHAAAATTTT??????

Who fucking says that, me.

In the same interview, "Do you work well in teams?"

I should have gushed about how great teamwork was. Instead, I say, "I really dont like working with other people. In fact, I do much better work on my own."

Thats just fucking moronic.

Now, there was another interview with Ranstand. They wanted me to be a financial analyst for their corporate office. Basically, I would go over financial reports and statements and decide if certain investments were risks or not.

They ask me, "What are your thoughts of business ethics, etc..?"

You know what comes out of my mouth, "If you arent cheating, you arent trying".

I mean, I honestly feel that way. Accountants are professional liars. They exaggerate assets and minimize liablities. You buy $100 worth of pencils and the accountant decides that even though you paid cash for those pencils, instead of showing the $100 dollars as an expense, the pencils now become another asset. SURPISE!!!! You never really spent any money!!! Youve got $100 in pencils. BULLSHIT. You try and tell me that you can liquidate those fucking pencils for $100 bucks. Fucking liars. JESUS CHRIST.

You show me the accountants for Enron and I'll show you some good fucking accountants. They convinced the entire world that Enron was profitable. They did their job. Thats what accountants do, they lie. Its common knowledge. Therefore, people need to be aware of this and try to undermine the accountants. Thats what I meant, you need to be aware of the incentive to lie and try to figure out if they are lying.

Anyways, they didnt take it that way, alas, im still unemployed.

Heres what I dont understand..Im unemployed, and whatever genius designed McDonald's new ad campaign has a job. Let me review these two commercials.

First theres this commercial where people are playing basketball in rollerblades. WHAT THE FUCK???? Seriously, who sits in their office and says, "Ok we need something cool, hip, young and fresh. I know, Ill have people playing basketball. Hmm, thats not really hip though....alright, I'll make them play basketball in the ghetto with a groovy rap beat on in the background....thats young, hip and fresh. How can I make it cool? DUH, ROLLERBLADES!!!! Whats cooler than rollerblades? I'll have the kids play basketball in rollerblades in the ghetto with rap music in the background."

This has to be, hands down, the worse commercial.

But these creators of suckness werent done. They decided, "Hey, we need to continue this marketing campaign...lets fill another commercial emphasising our cheap prices." So they have this guy go around his apartment handing his neighbors little treats from McDonalds. Then, at the end of the commercial, he goes into his own apartment and starts rehearsing with his band. They then cut away and show the neighbors in their individual apartments thrilled that they got some cheap ass food. Nevermind that their walls are shaking due to the horrible sounds emitted from their neighbors apartment. Im thinking to myself, if my walls are gonna be shaking, I better get more than a fucking McFlury or an apple pie from McDonalds.

And to continue this rant on commercials, Michelob Ultra needs to get a fucking grip. When it first came out, they showed people in the gym working out and shit, and then cut to a glass of Michelob Ultra. I thought I was watching a goddamn Gatorade commercial. Who in their right mind sees that commercial and thinks, "Hey, I might start taking Michelob Ultra to the gym with me". And by the way, any male that drinks Michelob Ultra isnt a male anymore.

Maybe Its That Time of the Month.....

For some reason, Im fucking pissed off. I know that might come as a real shock to most of you, but Im just fucking pissed off.

You cant help but to get pissed off once you realize that Pauly Shore, at one time of his life, was famous. How the fuck can that guy be famous, and not me. What the fuck?

Derek Chelf and I had an English class together sophomore year. The professor, Brad Edwards, had a reverse mo-hawk. Im sure it wasnt intentional. He was losing his hair in a manner so that he had a bald streak running up the middle of his head...scary shit. Anyways, I hated him. Derek and I sat in the back of the class and my sole purpose for attending class was to make Edwards miserable. Look asshole, if you are gonna make attendance mandatory, then its your problem. You made the bed, now sleep in it.

Anyways, we had to write a paper on symbolsim in the book, "A Farewell to Arms". It was due on a Friday at 7:00pm. Now, Uptown Lounge used to have 25 cent beer at happy hour on Friday. Paul Johnson and I went to Uptown, got drunk, and then I stumbled back to the dorm room and wrote this paper...Derek and Hatian will remember this vividly:

Doug Childers
ENGL2340
April 13, 2001
Professor Edwards
Your Boy, Saint Anthony

Many of us, (well, in fact all of us who are in ENGL2340 with Edwards), have read Ernest Hemingway's page-turner, "A Farewell to Arms". Within this novel, Catherine Barkley presents the protagonist, Fredric Henry with a medallion of Saint Anthony before he goes to battle. One cannot wonder, 'Who is Saint Anthony?' What is the man behind the myth, the legend, the saint, Saint Anthony? Within these next few paragraphs, I will unravel the enigma of this Saint.

When I think of a Saint, I automatically associate the image with a New Orleans football player. However, this would not be historically accurate considering this novel was written well before the football team was created. Therefore, the reader must associate the medallion with the actual Saint, Saint Anthony. The great Saint Bonaventure stated, "Saint Anthony possessed the science of the angels, the faith of the patriarchs, the fore-knowledge of the prophets, the zeal of the apostles, the heroism of martyrs." One must ask themselves, 'Who is such a great man who is likened in such a great manner?' Well, its elementary my dear Watson, that Saint Bonaventure only spoke the truth about Saint Anthony.

According to historical, biblical text, (which are in no doubt accurate), Saint Anthony was born on June 13, 1195. Apparently, Saint Anthony turned down a life of wealth and riches in order to spread the word of God. That's nice and all, but we still don’t understand his motivations and convictions behind this shunning of wealth. The word on the street is that Anthony was involved in a shipwreck. He was so happy to have survived the shipwreck, that he devoted his life to the teaching of God.

This survival of such a harsh situation explains why Catherine might have given the medallion of Saint Anthony to Fredric Henry. Fredric Henry was going into a somewhat bleak situation, and Catherine wanted the luck that Saint Anthony possessed during his dire strait to be passed onto Henry. In closing, here is a quote attributed to Saint Anthony, learn what you will, " Actions speak louder than words; let your words teach and your actions speak."

So I get a call from Eric Tuesink informing me that he has created a blog in order to challenge my blog. If you read his one and only post, (refer to the links), you will see that he admits to watching "Sex and The City". Solely based on that reason, I rule Eric Teusink.

An Open Letter to Osama Bin Laden

Mr. Bin Laden,

According to US Intelligence, you and your boys were planning on bombing Las Vegas. Let me make this extremely clear: If you, in any shape decide to do anything that would hurt any casino in Las Vegas, I will head to the Tora Bora mountains myself and drag you out by your beard. I dont get physically violent that much, but if a single piece of felt on any blackjack or poker table is damaged due to your terrorist operations, your precious Jihad will look like an elementary school field day after I unleash the fury of MY firestorm upon you.

With Regards,
Doug Childers

Everyone of those people that insist on putting a wreath on the grill of their car need to measure their circumference of their wrist with a razor blade. Driving down to my grandparents on Christmas Day, I was bombarded with minivan after minivan with fucking goddamn wreaths on the grill of their car. Goddammit, what the fuck is wrong with you. Everytime I saw one, I thought to myself, "Wouldnt It be justice if somehow that wreath caused a wreck and everyone in the entire car died. Everyone excpet for the person whose lame-ass idea it was to put the wreath there in the first place. That way, theyd spend the rest of their life riddled with guilt."

Merry Christmas

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG POST - HOWEVER, GOOD TIMES

Ok, its fucking 6am on Christmas Morning and on MTV2 they are showing the "100 Greatest Videos" of all time. Now this countdown is largely based on the cinematography and concepts of the videos, not based on the actual music...but im sure it is somewhat involved in the process. Yes, this is a fucked way to be spending Christmas, but Ive got a TiVO, so take that into account before you think im a pathetic bastard. I figure Im the most qualified person on the face of the Earth to criticize this list, so why not? Anyway, here is a running diary of the videos:

100 - Green Day, "Basket Case" - Green Day was the first punk bad to sell itself to MTV. Its just a fucking joke. All of these bands get big thanks to MTV and then they try to keep their punk credibility. Once you start snuggling up to Carson Daly, theres no more credibility.

99 - Will Smith, "Parents Just Dont Understand" - WTF!!! This video sucked. Will Smith sucks and im sure there will be 10 more of his shitty videos.

98 - REM, "Everybody Hurts" - Alright, I am personally insulted that this video is 98. Not only is at a badass video its a good fucking song. Under no circumstances should it be only one slot better than anything Will Smith ever did. Its an insult

97 - Human Being, "Dont You Want Me?" - Fucking 80's videos are horrible and their songs are even worse.

96 - The Replacements, "Bastards of the Young" - I didnt even know they made a video. And it sucks....NO WAY IN HELL SHOULD THESE SONGS BE RANKED HIGHER THAN EVERYBODY HURTS. Fucking Christ, Bryan Adams is gonna be comming up soon, I can just feel it. Oh yeah, and this video is brilliant....its just the camera focused on a speaker. That must have taken the director all of 8 minutes in between his lines of blow to come up with. "Everybody Hurts" = 98. Youve got to be fucking kidding me.

95 - George Michael, "Faith" - According to Carson Daly, "This video is important because it was Michael post-Wham effort." Enough said. It kills me that all these fucking girls thought he was so fucking hot when he was only concerned with smoking some sausage. And Im still convinced that Ben Affleck is in the closest. Simply because he embraces that queer phrase, "metrosexual". I guarantee you that if that phrase existed in 1987, George Michael would have been all about it

94 - Wyclef Jean, "Gone Till November" - I really like this song a whole lot. According to my IPOD, its one of the top 300 MP3s that I play.

93 - U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" - Im a U2 fan and all, but they are real hit and miss. They have songs like "One", "Where the Streets Have No Name" and "Zooropa", then they put out crap like this song. It incorporates the same fucking chord throughout the whole song with an un-original drum beat. However, that was U2 sound from the 80s.

92 - LL Cool J, "Going Back to Cali" - pure shit.

91 - Prince, "1999" - Hey Prince, tell me how that brilliant marketing idea of changing your name to a symbol worked out for you? Prince used to be huge, now hes just an unpronouncable symbol. I hate this song just because i seemed like I heard it 1999 times during the year 1999. Just because I hate Fred Durst, Id like to point out that there are now two songs on this list that Limp Bizkit covered, that just shows how uncreative those fuckers are.

90 - Lenny Kravitz, "Are You Gonna Go My Way" - Does anyone like Lenny Kravitz anymore? He used to be married to the oldest daughter on the Cosby Show. And you know what always pissed me off about Bill Cosby, was his fucking tired act. He always did that shit with kids....god, save it. It was just part of his masterplan to brainwash kids into eating Jello products. Sure, I might be cynical. But you didnt see Bob Saget writing books about how to raise your kids. And if there was a book by Bob Saget, you wouldnt give it the time of day. But lets break this down, Bob Saget had to raise THREE daughters without a Mom and with two incompentent older men living with him. If Im gonna take advice about how to raise kids from a fictional father, its gonna be from Bob Saget.

89 - They Might Be Giants, "Dont Lets Start" - this is one of those fucking alt-indie bands that just drive me crazy. Basically, it was DEVO recreated and all the nerds in your high school loved it. The kids that scoff at you when you say, "Man that band sucks". But in reality, they have no idea whats going on, they just know other indie kids like it so they join the rest of the flock and talk about how brillant they are.

88 - Janet Jackson, "Love Will Never Do Without You" - Shes got some fucking bizzies. I do think she has a really talented sister though...I really loved the "Thriller" video she did. Whenever you think youve got it bad, just check out Micheal Jacksons mugshot, then youll know things arent really that fucked up.

87 - Prodigy, "Firestarter" - they had that song "Smack My Bitch Up". Which I thought was pretty funny. I mean, its not funny for someone to hit a girl. But to write a song glorifying it just makes you laugh. Its kind of like seeing a retard try to walk. You know you shouldnt laugh but you are biting the insides of your cheeks. Admit it, you do it.

86 - Billy Idol, "Rock the Cradle" - CMON!!! This is not an innovative video. Taking Billy Idol seriously as a musician is like considering crack as a vitamin.

85 - Tom Petty, "Dont Come Around Here No More" - alright, a video that actually i like. Tom Petty is a fucking bad ass. Give me his greatest hits, sprinkle in a couple of shit from his last three albums and its all good. He always seems stoned. But then again, if I was a millionaire and I didnt have to answer to anyone, I would be fucked up every second of my life too. I mean what the fuck, are they gonna fire you if you fail the goddamn drug test?

84 - Method Man, "You're All I Need To Get By" - Ive never heard this song. And im gonna keep it that way.

83 - Goldy and Creme, "Cry" - video-morphing. Care factor, negative 4 Billion.

82 - Def Leppard, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" - What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard. Actually, "Hysteria" was one of my first cassette tapes. This is one of those over-the-top concert videos where the band is acting like they are giving up every ounce of energy for their fans. Pathetic. Think about it this way, if you had to work for only two hours a night, do you think youd be half as dramatic as all these hair bands were in their videos during the 1980s, fuck no.

81 - Twisted Sister, "We're Not Gonna Take It" - The classic theme of children using music as a means to rebel against authority figures. All these videos have done is cheapen Pink Floyd's, "The Wall". I hope you are happy Dee Snider. Do you think during the 1980s that fans of Twisted Sister actually thought the band was worth the 7 bucks it cost to buy their cassette tape? I mean, they have got to be the 1980s version of Nickelback. A bunch of morons will buy their CDs and will one day wise up to the mistakes theyve made. And twenty years later Nickelback will be playing State Fairs....justice.

80 - The Cure, "Close To Me" - if you ever want to see Robert Smith from the Cure, go hang out at City Bar, hes a bouncer there now.

79 - Fionnna Apple, "Criminal" - this is a good song and Fionna Apple is fucking hot. This video is hot. the song is not good enough to be on my IPOD, but Id keep it on the radio if it came on. I think Fionna plays the role of a doped up porn star pretty well.

78 - Adam Ant, "Goody Two Shows" - hmmmm, no. Is it me, or was every male solo artist from Great Britian during the 1980s a flaming homosexual?

77 - Radiohead, "Fake Plastic Trees" - this is a brilliant song that is written so well. I beg all of you to download this song. Its so fucking beautiful. The song is just absolutely perfect. It is definitely one of my favorite songs of all time. It explodes from acoustic to electric at the appropriate time. The song is riding a crest of tension and then crashes into distortion. Absolutely perfect.

76 - DEVO, "Whip It" - look, I really dont see anything innovative about DEVO. I know that will upset a lot of people but I doubt that if DEVO never existed, music would be any different.

75 - Public Enemy, "Fight The Power" - how about this, if you are so fucking pissed off about your conditions, work to make them better. Dont take a millitant stance and blame everyone else. This video is full of guys wearing those t-shirts with Africa on it. Look, I dont see many people migrating back to Africa, so put your fucking emblems away. DL Hughley said it best, "All you motherfuckers that want to go back to Africa, knock yourself out, send me a postcard."

74 - C+C Music Factory, "Everyone Dance Now" - Jesus christ, are you kidding me? Seriously, this is crap. What is innovative about this song or that fucking video.

73 - Band Aid, "Do They Know Its Christmas?" - Boy George, Duran Duran, and George Michael sharing a microphone. Does it really get any better than this? I hope to God we dont kill each other with nuclear weapons and aliens land on this planet 4,000 years from now and find this video. I guess it really wont matter, theyll probably mistake Boy George for one of their own.

72 - Chemical Brothers, "Setting Sun" - Im not big into the whole dance beat-type deal. But its alright. I just never got into the whole idea of computers dictating music. Its my opinion that you can hear emotion and raw energy with each different chord being struck. You can hear the agony and despair in certain guitar lines which, inturn, complement the vocals. With the use of computers, you are getting this "perfect" beat which humans cannot mess up. Its just not pure. Its like Mad TV vs Saturday Night Live.

71 - MC Hammer, "Cant Touch This" - wow, what a groundbreaking song. The only thing this song did was give white kids the idea that they could be part of the rap scene. Thanks to MC Hammer we have Vanilla Ice and Eminem. Oh yeah, nice pants. I remember when that clown was on the Falcons sidelines back in the early 1990s. God, that reminds me that Jerry Glanville used to be our head football coach. Who the fuck made that call?

70 - New Order, "True Faith" - Do ever get pissed off that you werent around in the 1800s? Simply because you could create some theory that was pretty simple be deemed a genius. Like this video, this video has ruined a good song. I could have done a MUCH better job. The simple existence of this video leads me to believe anyone during the 1980s with an ounce of intelligence could direct a music video.

69 - Smashing Pumpkins, "1979" - this was a really good song and video. It reminds me of freshman year of high school. Which reminds me of Ms. Justice. God, I really hated her. She was so fucking stupid. The simple fact that shes a teacher in the public school system tempts me to put my children in private schools.

68 - Duran Duran, "Girls on Film" - I really hate Duran Duran.

67 - Don Henley, "Boys of Summer" - Fucking Canadiens. Jesus Christ. The Ataris covered this song this summer and it was played every other hour on 99x. The thing that bothers me about Don Henley is that he was in the Eagles, and they admit to being money-hungry whores. They vowed that they would get together when "Hell froze over"...or until twenty years later when you are all behind on your mortgage payments and they needed to pay for their kids rehab. They went on that re-union tour and thanked their fans for still supporting them by charging $200/ticket. Fucking thieves.

66 - Beatie Boys, "Fight For Your Right" - hmmm, Ive never liked this song. Mostly because dumb girls like this song and insist on singing it when it comes on at a bar. I really hate it when dumb girls get drunk and start singing. That song "Brown Eyed Girl" is another drunk-girl favorite. Please, spare me.

65 - Garbage, "Stupid Girl" - Shirley Manson was fucking hot. Whatever happened to this band. I think Im gonna go download this album. Butch Vig, (the drummer), was the guy who produced Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

64 - Beck, "Loser" - I love Beck. But I hate this song. I saw Beck at Big Day Out in 1996, and I became a huge fan. "Odelay" was a badass album.

63 - Tone Loc, "Wild Thing" - The only countdown this should be on is the worst songs ever written. Jesus Christ. Who constructed this list? First off, they are ripping off Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love"

62 - U2, "Where The Streets Have No Names" - alright the beautiful thing about this song is intro. Theres just a long build up into one bad ass song. Jesus I love this song. Why in the fuck do they have a guy named The Edge and another guy named Bono in their band? That fucking bothers me.

61 - Van Halen, "Right Now" - this is one of those videos at the time that everyone thought was so innovative and creative, but looking back on it...the song sucks and the video doesnt impress me that much. Too many stupid fucking phrases that keep popping up. Its like reading Chicken Soup for the 80s Hair Band That Is Trying to Blend in With the Hip-Alternative Crowd By Creating "Fresh" New Videos. And wasnt this the theme song for Clear Pepsi. The simple existance of Clear Pepsi should embarass the entire Western Civilization. I dont know, but im sure the French had something to do with all of this.

60 - 'Till Tuesday, "Voices Carry" - i hate 80s music. I really hate sappy fucking music to begin with. I think this song is about child abuse. If i heard this song, and I had a kid, I would start beating the shit out of him just to spite this fucking song.

59 - En Vogue, "Never Gonna Get It" - Hot black chicks that had one album and was never heard from again. Isnt it weird that there seems to be 4,000 boy bands, but proportionately, there arent near as many girl bands. The reason why is because girls, young and old, are idiots and love stupid, poorly-written songs about relationships. The simple existence of boy bands proves the continuing theory that girls are idiots.

58 - Daivd Bowie, "Ashes to Ashes" - this was one of those videos from the 80's where the director tried to make some shitty artistic statement. The video and song is absolute shit.

57 - Bjork, "Its Oh So Quiet" - if Bjork was hotter, shed be bigger. I mean, if Gwen Stefani sung this song, it would have been a hit for 24 straight weeks. The video is alright. Too much dancing. Im white, tall and skinny, therefore I cant dance.

56 - Metallica, "Enter Sandman" - I cant stand this Metallica song. The video sucks too.

55 - David Lee Roth, "Just A Gigilo" - How the fuck is this song even in the top 4,000? REM, 98. David Lee Roth, 55. This just explains further that monkeys program MTV and that Helen Keller could have done a better job ranking these videos.

54 - Marilyn Manson, "Beautiful People" -

53 - Madness, "Our House" -

52 - Lauyrn Hill, "Everything is Everything" -

51 - Golden Earring, "Twilight Zone" -

50 - Madonna, "Lucky Star" -

49 - Paula Abdul, "Straight Up" -

48 - Aerosmith, "Janie's Got A Gun" -

47 - Talking Heads, "Once In A Lifetime" -

46 - Fat Boy Slim, "Praise You" -

45 - Guns And Fucking Roses, "November Rain" -

44 - Janet Jackson, "Rhythm Nation" -

43 - ZZ Top, "Gimmie All Your Lovin'" -

42 - Alanis Morisette, "Ironic" -

41 - Bon Jovi, "Wanted Dead Or Alive" -

40 - TLC, "Waterfalls" -

39 - Cindi Lauper, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" -

38 - Metallica, "One" -

37 - Verve, "Bittersweet Symphony" -

36 - Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Give It Away" -

35 - Michael Jackson, "Billie Jean" -

34 - Sinead O'Connor, "Nothing Compares To You" -

33 - Van Halen, "Jump"

32 - Dr. Dre, "Nothing But A G'Thang" -

31 - Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams" -

30 - Korn, "Falling Away From Me" -

29 - Dire Straits, "Money For Nothing" -

28 - Herbie Hancock, "Rocket" -

27 - LL Cool J, "Momma Said Knock You Out" -

26 - Guns and FUCKING Roses, "Welcome to the Jungle" -

25 - The Cars, "You Might Think" -

24 - Jamiriquoi, "Virtual Insanity" -

23 - Notorius BIG, "Mo' Money, Mo Problems" -

22 - Blind Melon, "No Rain" -

21 - INXS, "Need You Tonight/Meditate" -

20 -

19 -

18 -

17 -

16 -

15 -

14 -

13 -

12 -

11 -

10 - Madonna, "Express Yourself" -

9 - Tupac, "California Love" -

8 - Robert Palmer, "Addicted To Love" -

7 - Beastie Boys, "Sabotage" -

6 - Guns and FUCKING Roses, "Sweet Child of Mine" -

5 - Aerosmith w/ RUN DMC, "Walk This Way" -

4 - Peter Gabriel, "Sledgehammer" -

3 - Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" -

2 - Madonna, "Vogue" -

1 - Micheal Jackson, "Thriller" -

Further Proof That Pearl Jam Is 1,000,000 times better than any other band:

There is an article on www.pollstar.com, (http://www.pollstaronline.com/2003yearend20.asp), recapping the big tours of 2003. You should note that of the Top 20 tours of 2003, Pearl Jam had the cheapest average ticket. Furthermore, they are 7 bucks cheaper than DMB and 10 bucks cheaper than Phish. I guess those bands require more money from a larger fan base.

Given that Im an insomniac, I find myself watching "Saved By The Bell" at 7am on TBS. First off, SBTB was innovative. Without SBTB there would be no American Pie. However once you set aside the groundbreaking scope of SBTB, the characters just make me want to vomit.

AC Slater is the definition of a fucking tool. Hes some meat-head who needs to learn how to fucking read. Oh and Kelli Kopowski, not near as hot as Winnie on the "Wonder Years". In fact Kelli Kopowski isnt 1/10 as good as Winnie.

Then there's Lisa. Lisa is the definition of a dumb whore. All she cares about is clothes. And shes such a fucking bitch to Screetch. The guy is trying to get a piece of that brown sugah and she wont have any part of it. However, if Screetch was a materialistic piece of shit like herself, shed be all about it.

Jesse. Jesse is alright. I watched Showgirls just to see her bizzies.

Zach is tired. I mean, any guy who has bleached hair is fucking tired. He's always using Screech for something. Thats bullshit.

Screech gets taken advantage of by everyone, and he never gets a piece of anything. Screech is funnier and 1,000xs smarter than those other jacklegs.

That whole entire cast, (sans Screech), belongs in the ICU unit. Thats how fucking comatosed they are. Even Mr. Belding needs to shut the fuck up. Hes trying to be all hip and cool with the students. KNOW YOUR ROLE!!! You are supposed to be the disciplinarian. Also, Mr Belding is always talking to the cast of SBTB. Do you ever see him in the halls talking to the extras? NO. You know why, cause hes a motherfucker.

Austin Kucher, would you please do me a favor and play hopscotch on the interstate.

I go to the Mall of Georgia in order to complete my Christmas shopping, and see 400 high school-aged kids sporting the sideways Mesh hat. Im guessing this fashion trend is a seemingly closest homosexual tendancy to emulate the man of these young lads' dreams, Austin Kucher. The guy is banging Demi Moore, thats good for him. But I really dont want to see another pimple-faced kid with a sideways mesh hat on, it pisses me off.

Another thing, whats with all of these high-school whores? I just graduated 5 years ago, yet I get the impression that the local high school career counselor has been pitching a gig at the Pink Pony to these girls. Seriously, theres no way in hell my daughter will EVER, EVER wear some of the slutty shit I saw on thes girls tonight. And is it me, or are girls' tits getting bigger and bigger. It seems like every high school girl had straight BIZZIES. I mean, solid fucking BIZZIES. Filthy, stupid, crazy BIZZIES!!!!!

Oh yeah, Bobby Knight is a badass. This summer, the NCAA required attendance for basketball coaches at a seminar on ethics. When Bobby Knight didnt attend a reporter asked him why; responded Knight, "Listening to some of those people speak on ethics is like listening to Saddam Hussien speak on human rights." That shit is just funny.

Thats all Ive got for now.

Fucking Kids

Kids these days are so fucking spoiled its not even funny. They have a lot more cool shit than we ever did. Examples: Nintendo vs Xbox, the Apple IIe vs Any computer. The minivans their parents drive and the ease of acces they have to porn.

Alright, Ive been obsessing over Madden 2004 and NCAA 2004, when I was in fourth grade, it was Tecmo Bowl. Super Mario doesnt hold up against Halo at all. Its bullshit. These fucking kids get these awesomes video games to play. And the only computer games we had was Number Munchers, the Oregon Trail, and Where in the World Is Carmen San Diego. We were conned into educational games. Fucking bullshit.

They also have the internet. I remember when Scott Klienkie found his dad's playboy and we thought we were in heaven for years. We looked at the same set of tits for a couple of years. Now, a kid can just search on the internet and find porn. Its bullshit. Its devalued the concept of porn. Its not sacred anymore.

And their parents drive mini-vans with little TVs and DVD players installed in the roof. Thats bullshit. You know what I had to endure as a 12 year old on road trips, the ABC game. The game where you try and find all the letters of the alphabet on billboard signs. Its fucking bullshit. Kids are so fucking spoiled. Oh yeah, and TV. Christ, I remember when basic cable was 20 channels....and there were only one or two premium movie channels. Now they get a couple of hundred. Its absolute bullshit. Im really pissed off at this because I had to play shitty video games, look at the same Playboy for years and play the ABC games on road-trip. I swear to God, if I had any of the shit they have, I wouldnt be so fucking angry all the time.

Ive lasted as long as I can without really ragging on the Falcons.

First off, Im a season-ticket holder. I started in 1998 and I will continue to pay my money every year. I might not make it to all the games, but goddammit, its my ticket. My ticket is with three other guys. One of them is Bill Goldring. Bill is what I hope to be later in life. He's got a hot wife, two kids that I dont want to hit and he's been a season ticket holder since the mid-80s. Bill and I met when I was a cook at Chilis. Good times. My point is this, Im gonna be a Falcons fan for the rest of my life. In fact, I made a promise to myself that I now take the Falcons more seriously than UGA football.

The Falcons have reached a new point of suckness. Last week, we were up 20-3 AT New Orleans. And we lost, in Overtime. With four minutes to go in the game, we were in field goal range and could have sealed the deal as long as we didnt turn the ball over. In fact, I remember watching it on TV thinking, "Please dont turn this ball over". Within two plays, Kurt Kittner threw an interception. The thing is, we still had the lead....until New Orleans drove down the field, kick a field goal and sent it to Overtime. We eventually lost the game and I started to develop that paranoid complex. You know, the complex where you start thinking that everyone exists in order to screw with your head. You are as frustrated as the homeless guy who finally begs for enough change in order to get a value meal at Wendy's, he orders his double cheesburger with NO mayonaise, NO tomato, and NO pickle....then he takes a big bite out of this mouthwatering-burger...only to find out that the dumbass gave him EXTRA mayonaise, EXTRA tomato, EXTRA pickles. That feeling.

Regardless, the Falcons played this past week at home against the Titans. The Titans were 8-2, we were 2-8. However, theres just this sense of optomism where you think today just might be the day. The Falcons took a 21 - 0 lead. I couldnt help but stand up and clap and even let out a little yell. Since everyone around you is a season ticket holder, you get to know the people around your seats. We were all high-fiving and really thinking that this ship might get turned around. Everyone but Bill. Bill states, "All this means is that we are gonna lose 28-21." And, we knew. We knew it was true.

The game keeps going, and the Titans keep scoring. At halftime, Bill, adds, "Whats the point of winning anyway? It just means we are gonna get the 12th draft pick instead of the 1st or 2nd." Continuing on Bill's thought. Hes exactly right. If you arent in the top 5; does it really matter if you are drafting 7th or 15th?

Long story short, we lose. And we lose in a pathetic manner. One of those losses where you just look around at every other fans face and think, "Whats the point of living any more?"

Then youve got to deal with Dan Reeves' press conference. Let me go on record as saying this: I think Dan Reeves is an incredibly intelligent human being. In fact, there is no way that my knowledge of football is 1/1,000 of his. HOWEVER, 1) you cant run Warrick Dunn of the middle, 2) you cant run Warrick Dunn up the middle 5 times in a row, 3) if you cant run Warrick Dunn up the middle.....WHY THE FUCK DO YOU RUN TJ DUCKETT ON SWEEPS??? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I HATE IT. EVERY FUCKING PLAY IS A DRAW WITH DUNN UP THE MIDDLE. THEN TJ DUCKETT, THE BIG POWER BACK COMES IN, AND THEY RUN A SWEEP. ITS SIMPLE PLAYSTATION FOOTBALL.

And Dan Reeves' does his "jolly-gosh" routine. Jolly-gosh, I didnt realize we ran five draws in a row. Gosh darnit, I didnt realize Pearless Price only caught two balls this week... It goes on and on to the point where I just want to find some little kid in line to see Santa and tell him that is one big lie. Santa doesnt exist, get over.

The only thing more pathetic than John Stamos' acting career is the state of American society. I never really figured out how shitty everything was until I watched "The Price is Right" today.

I used to be optomistic and think that if I was ever standed on the side of a road in a blizzard with a flat tire, someone would stop and help me out. However, after watching ass-hole after ass-hole screw their fellow man on the Price is Right, I know nothing in our society is sacred anymore.

Let me refresh your memory about the Price Is Right. Four auidence members get called down to the front and they all take turns guessing the price of an item. So you get someone bidding 900, 825, 700.....and then the asshole who guesses $901. By guessing $901, you pretty much eliminate one of your fellow contestants. Today, a new level of back-stabbing was reached; someone had guessed $1 and the very next person guessed $2.

Whats even better, is once that person wins, on account of stabbing someone else in the back, they start hugging the other contestants. If someone did that shit to me, and then tried to hug me, Id probably knee the motherfucker in the crotch...And once he bent over in pain, I'd kick him in the kidneys so that he would be pissing cranberry juice for months.

Goddamn, watching shit like this makes me want to move to Iraq.

Say what you will, but Michael Jackson doesnt strike me as a child molester.

He strikes me as a serial child molester.

I Like Associating Myself With Teams Who Make Fun of Native Americans

After weeks of recieving letter after letter from teams who would rather sell their only daughter into prostitution than give me a job, the Cleveland Indians sent me a letter notifying me that I am a candidate for a position within their Baseball Operations Department. Included in this letter was a questionaire they asked me to fill out in order to determine if I was worthy enough of any more attention. I got done filling it all out and sent it to Jamil in order to be proof-read. This is the revisions he made, it might be the funniest shit Ive ever read:

What is it about the professional baseball environment that makes a position in this setting attractive to you?

Because, I am a big baseball fan.

Describe your professional educational and relevant life experiences to date --- What have you learned? How have you acquired this knowledge? How do you learn best? What do you want to learn through a position in the professional baseball environment?

I got my GED equivalency from Oakwood Alternative School. My mom’s boyfriend used to take me to baseball games on the days I would skip school. It was fun because we would sneak beer in the game.

Identify and briefly comment about your baseball playing experience and how it can be incorporated into the position?
Well, I never played baseball. But, I have two balls, a bat, and a grassy field between my legs. I play down there all the time.

Identify and briefly comment about three books, or other documents, that have influenced your thinking and development in life to date?

I cant really read but the po-lice read to me all the time. Stories like, “you have the right to remain silent…” and “do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” Those books have really taught me how behave good.

What do you care about and why?

Why do I care about what? Where did this clown learn how to ask questions, geez?

What is your most memorable baseball experience?

Like I said, I never played baseball. But one time me and my dad where at a White Sox game and we ran on the field and kicked the coachs’ ass. I remember that pretty good.

Im convinced that music reached its pinnacle during the mid-to-late 90's and has just fallen off the face of the earth. Heres my proof; while I grew up in high school with Radiohead, Pearl Jam and Oasis...kids these days have Three Doors Down, Nickelback and Creed. Seriosuly, Nickelback is a bunch of no-talent ass-clowns.

I am so fucking sick of hearing about the lead singer of Nickelback's dad beat-up his mom. Seriously, that prick should be thanking his father for giving him something to write about. Because, if you havent noticed, every fucking song they write has that underlying theme. If I hear another sob story from Nickelback about comming from a broken home, I might drive my car into a concrete wall. It gets real depressing to think about the future of music being 18,000 lame-ass songs by Nickelback about domestic violence.

And while Im bitching about Nickelback, im gonna throw the Strokes and every other wanna be Strokes band into the mix. Realize they spend time trying to look like they dont care about what they look like. What the fuck is up with that?

On the personal hygeine side of my life, Ive decided that im gonna try and grow a beard. So far, it is a real pathetic attempt. See, I didnt really want to grow a beard, but I just forgot to shave. And it really hurts to shave when you havent in a while; so fuck it. Its not like Im gonna get laid anytime soon anyways.

Id be remissed if I didnt talk about the Falcons. There, I brought them up, do with them what you please.

Im working on the equation at a furious pace and am getting more and more frustrated with it. The original equation was so simple and fruitful. Ive made this shit too complex that Im third-guessing my second-guesses. But come December 15, the show will begin. I havent decided if Im gonna email my picks out this year. I dont really like the pressure of my friends gambling based on my computer program.

And im pretty-much convinced the firestorm is never going to come. Teams are avoiding my economic ass like the plague. I would have had a better chance of getting an interview with an MLB team as I do getting off by stickng my dick in an electrical socket.

Thats all ive got for now, yes, im still sketch.

Ive resigned to the fact that Im probably not going to get a real job anytime in the near future. Therefore, I need to find some source of income. After I was getting real lazy this evening, I thought I might need to go on down to Borders and buy that book about getting Free Money. You know, the commercials for it are always on real late at night. Its some fucking obnoxious jack-off with punctuation symbols all over his suit like hes the fucking Riddler or something.

Anyways, just when I was about to go to the car and buy this book, I remember the words of Eric Teusink. These words of wisdom were spoken during our Freshmen semester at around 5am one night at Creswell Hall during one of the aforementioned commercials, "I will never buy anything from someone with a big question mark on his suit."

So, I spent the next couple of hours thinking about the income problem once again. I've just decided Im going to be a personal think-tank. You know how they have the Heritage Foundation in DC? All they do is sit around and think of solutions for problems. Well, Ive got a feeling they are full of shit. I mean, if RJ Reynolds asks them to write about the negative side effects of cigarettes, I get the feeling that the Heritage Foundation will realize who is signing their check and write about how cancer tests are inconclusive. Therefore, RJ Reynolds can run around to the media and show a detailed report from the esteemed Heritage Foundation. Fucking fake ass-holes.

See, Im not really gonna have any customers, however Im gonna incorporate myself. Get some American Express credit cards for my corporation and go severly into debt. Then, when the bank comes knocking, I wont be personally liable. So, I wont need income for the next couple of weeks, I'll just be living off other peoples astounding interest payments.

Technically, If i just made my own company up, I could write everything off as a business expenses. I could pay myself a salary from my savings and actually end up getting money from the government. Theorhetically, I could go to the Pink Pony rack up huge bills and claim I was entertaining potential clients. This might be the best idea Ive ever come up with.

This and the NBA Equation, which is being perfected every hour I do more and more data analyzation. Seriously, my only other plans in the near future is to move to Biloxi, play poker and reap the benefits of the NBA Equation. Admitadely, its not really......alright Ive got to come back to this thought:

Earlier today, VH1 had "Return of the 80's Strikes Back", so I was watching it, I go to dinner, and come back and there is a special on Dale Earnhardt Jr. and NASCAR fans. Fucking dumb white trash. Fucking christ, people sit in the hot sun for five hours to watch cars turn left over and over again. The best thing is listening to someone try and justify their appreciation of this sport. Fucking christ, its not even sport. Anyways, somehow Three Doors Down was involved in this whole production. Those guys and Creed just need to go on the road together, they could call it the "Who Needs Talent When You Sound This Shitty And Idiots Buy Your Albums" Tour. Every fucking song Three Doors Down plays sound exactly the same.

Oh and while we are talking about talentless motherfuckers, Ashton Kucher needs to die. Seriously, just die. All of those teen-bop movie stars just need to do the world and favor and funnel a case of Liquid Drano. God, I just want to find these fucking movie producers and kick their ass for inundating us with this shit.

Alright, back to the fact that I live an immoral life. Yeah, I know, and I like it.

Hey Doug, How Do You Spend Your Days...

Living in Dacula, GA, (with my parents, no doubt), is about as fun as taking my ball sack out, putting it on the counter and beating it repeatedly with a meat tenderizer. Alright, im lying, its a little worse than that.

So now that Im officially unemployed, I decide its time to start looking for a real job. Ive already sent out resumes to every MLB team, and all I get back are form letters telling me that Ive got a better chance of nailing Gwen Stefani then working for them. Its a pretty uplifting way to spend your days.

So I start sending out resumes to real jobs. And then I realize that they are gonna look at these resumes and just laugh. My work experience has been folding towels and hanging jock-straps. Its hard to explain to Bank of America that you want to be business analyst, yet you spent your whole college life consumed with determining equilibrium to the MLB labor market.

Its gotten so bad that Kinkos wont even give me a job. Fucking Kinkos. How hard can that job be? Christ, fuck me.

But its alright, economic theory has taught me two things, Poker and Baseball. If I cant get a job in baseball, I'll just have to work at poker. And at the very worse, I'll just make a couple of bets I cant cover and move to Montana to become a fly-fisherman.

Yeah, my life is great.

Days of Thunder

What I love about Hollywood, is how they can take a script and change three or four aspects about the original script and make an entirely different movie that sucks just as much.

My case in point, Days of Thunder.

Alright, im gonna give you a quick summary of Top Gun and Days of Thunder; here goes:

Top Gun - Rebel pilot, Maverick (Tom Cruise), with best friend, Goose, defy all odds - participate in the Top Gun program - develop rivalry with other Top Gun participants - Maverick sets his sites on a female Flight Instructor who wouldnt give him the time of day to begin with, but then they start having mad sex - Goose dies - Flight Instructor convinces Maverick not to quit - Maverick moves on takes on the enemy Soviets, kills some commies and becomes best friends with former rival, Ice-Man.

Days of Thunder - Rebel Driver, Cole Trickle (Tom Cruise) becomes a NASCAR driver - defies all odds and becomes the best driver on the circuit - develops rivarly with Rowdy Burns - Cole and Rowdy get involved in a horrible wreck - Neurologist who works on Cole Trickle, Dr. Newieki (Nicole Kidman), resists Cole's advances but before you know it, they are having mad sex - Rowdy cant drive his car anymore, asks Cole to drive Daytona for him - Cole wins the Daytona 500, Rowdy and Cole are now best friends.

Even the cinematography is almost identical. Its fucking disgusting. What pisses me off, is that this shit makes money. I dont get it. Someone got paid to write a screen play for Days of Thunder. I mean, what the fuck? All he did was change a little of Top Gun around. Bullshit.

And Top Gun, the original, sucked. Cmon, how fucking obvious was the ending going to be? Why cant we have a war movie where the Soviets win, we become a socialist nation and Bill Gates starts whoring himself in order to support his drug habbit. That would be a good movie.

Its like Rap music. Puff Daddy is a millionaire hundreds of times over by ripping off other people's shit. I mean, cmon. Everyone fucking song Puff Daddy has produced has been with someone else's loop.

Theres no more creativity anywhere. People are so fucking scared of making something original because it might fail. Fuck it, Id rather fail on my own terms than one someone else's blueprint.

Im Alive....and Back For Business (For Real This Time)

Alright, heres the deal; Im unemployed and living at home. That translates to my spending a lot of time sitting around trying to have meaningful conversation with my dog, Freckles. The posts are gonna be comming with a fury now. Ive got a whole notebook of things I want to write about, so you fuckers better watch out.

First off, I just got back from Vegas. Now, Vegas is always a good time, but since Im sure that my blood is genetically engineered to be that of a cocaine addict's, my story is a little convoluted. See, most people fly to Vegas. Not me, I was paid to drive Matt Franco's car out to Vegas. So, I decide it will take 30 hours and I'll just break it up in two days. Unfortunately my crackhead tendencies reared its ugly head and I decided to drive the entire trip straight through. Get this, I only stopped 6 times, and that was only for gas.

My masterplan was to leave at 3am early Tuesday morning and drive till midnight Tuesday night. So, I wake up Monday morning at around 8am, getting about 3 hours sleep. I figure that by doing this, I will go to sleep around 5pm Monday night and be real refreshed when I start my drive at 3am Tuesday morning. But see, I forgot to mention that Im a gambling addict. So Im sitting in my bed tossing and turning and end up getting virtually no sleep at all. I wake up and start driving.

By 9am, I was in Memphis. By 1pm, I was leaving Arkansas. Oklahoma took me three and half hours. Then I got to Texas. FUCK Texas. Texas took me forever because I got pulled over for speeding and failing to use my blinker to change lanes. The cop was a total asshole. He followed me for a good twenty minutes waiting for me to fuck up. He pulls me over and sees me all geeked up on Red Bull. I havent shaved in a good three or four days, and I claim to be driving a baseball player's car cross-country. Admitadely, he should have been suspicious, so he decides to start going through my luggage, thinking that Im smuggling drugs. Since Im an alcoholic, I have tons of hangover pills. I have this whole pill cocktail full of shit; electrolytes, vitamin C, calcium, etc.. The problem is that all of these pills are in an un-marked container; also, I have this stuff called Vitamin G. Players use Vitamin G which is basically speed. Its illegal in the United States. Im sure its considered an amphitamine. So, Im sitting in my front seet ready to just throw up all over myself. He asks about the pills, I tell them they are for hangovers and its over. He gives me a warning.

Then I just started driving. Like Forest Gump, I have no idea what the fuck I was doing. Before I knew it, I was in New Mexico, then Arizona, then Flagstaff. Now, the last four hours is all desert. ALL desert. Those were the longest four hours of my life. I kept hallucinating and thinking I was dreaming. I was so scared at one point that I pulled over and convinced myself that I wasnt asleep. However, VEGAS.....VEGAS. So I kept going.

A lot of people know of my fear of bridges that are high off the ground. Seriously, I cannot stand to go from 285 to 85. I get all nervous and see myself losing control of the car and falling 100 feet to my death. Its a great image, right up there with the thought of your parents having sex. Anyways, on Interstate 40 going to Vegas, you are going through these mountains. My depth perception was all fucked up and I ws trying to drive around these corners and just knowing that I was going to die. Not to mention, the bushes on the side of the road were starting to take the form of objects. I saw Pac-Man and Satan all within 5 miles. Satan was literally on the side of the road, not a good omen. Also, the shadows in the car start moving like the lips of the singer for whatever song was playing. I swear to you, I never want to do acid if that is what it is like. So Ive got my music on as loud as possible. The windows are down, the AC is blasted im just trying to make the last two hours. Its become a test of endurance.

Now, if you guys have ever been to Hoover Dam, youll appreciate the next part of this story. Hoover Dam is about 45 minutes out of Vegas. To one side of you is this huge lake, you are driving on top of the dam, and immediately to your left is about a 200 ft drop. Probably more than that. Go look for a picture on the internet. Anyways, I cant stand heights. Im trying to navigate this huge SUV around curves and then there is Hoover Dam. Fuck me. I hated every second I was near that thing. I was just waiting for my steering wheel to not turn and me go straight over the side of the Dam. Look, when you havent slept in a couple of days, you overreact.

Anyways, I make it to Vegas. And instead of going straight to sleep, Ive got to hit the tables. I end up gambling for three hours after I got there.

To sum it up, Im a fucking idiot who should be dead right now.

I suppose an explanation is necessary…..

I havent posted since April for two very important reasons: work, and more importantly, I just didn’t feel like being Doug.

Let me explain the last part of that sentence. I used to fool around with my next-door neighbor at Abbey West. She was an alright girl. Anyways, she was used to me always being happy-go-lucky and even when I was mad, Id find some humor in it. Then, the Braves lost to the Diamondbacks in the 2001 NLCS. As people who are very close to me can attest, once the Braves lose, I pretty much go on suicide watch. It’s a real strange phenomenon. You put so much effort and thought into being the World Champions and you come up short. It crushes you. So, a couple of days after the Braves lost I was moping around and she said, (in a bitch tone), "What ever happened to the fun Doug."

And I lost it, I just remember saying something like, "Sometimes there's just no joke you can make that will make you feel better." About a week later she dumped me for a married guy, who was 30 and fat. And whose current wife only married him so shed become a legal immigrant. That was a great boost to my confidence.

Anyways, the weekend after John and his brother OD'd, my parents came to Athens to take me to dinner. You know, it was one of those appearances parents make with the hopes that you arent suicidal. So, Im at dinner with them and my cell phone goes off. It was JB. Now, I cant stand if when people answer their cell phone during dinner, so I just ignored the call. An hour later I got home, checked the message he'd left me and called him back. For the second time that week my stomach felt as empty as the New York Mets' playoff chances.

JB informed me that earlier that day Anna was killed in a car-wreck. I hurt terribly for JB, because I know how much he loved and admired her. I hadn’t been to a funeral my entire life, and within one week I went to two. I do remember, being at the burial site and watching JB almost the entire time. I was in complete admiration. The guy just had this look of determination. The look of someone who knew that he had to present himself in this manner for his the sake of his family and his own well-being. I was just in absolute awe that someone who could care for someone the same way that JB cared for Anna could keep that type of composure. That’s just how JB is, and that’s why I love the guy to death….he is the epitome of even-keel.

All of the while, I had my senior thesis and my the Braves internship hanging over my head. So, basically, it was just one hectic last month at UGA. The senior thesis ended up very well. The day the paper was due, I didn’t sleep for nearly 40 hours straight. I kept re-writing it over and over again. Not completely re-writing shit, but just enough so that I would stand in my shower cursing particular word choices and tones. However, the proudest moment of my life, to date, was when I walked from my car to Dr. Trandel's office and placed the thesis in his mailbox. I remember walking back to my car with a huge smile on my face thinking that I was done with school. My last hour would be the Braves internship and life would only get better for me.

Yeah right, my life seems to have more plot twists than the final season of the "Wonder Years". All winter, I was told by nearly everyone within the Braves organization that I was going to be their intern within the Baseball Operations department. Even during my interviews, they acted like they were just going through the motions. Then, I was informed that the Braves were not going to have an intern this summer. At first, they told me it was because of financial reasons. So I offered to work for free, just for the experience, then everyone within the organization passed the buck onto someone else as to why I couldn’t work in the Operations Department. The reason, from what I can gather from people who know my story, is that it comes down to my association with Bobby Cox.

Apparently, because I had the blessings of Bobby Cox, they didn’t want me. Because it would represent a conflict of interest. Nevermind that the person with the final say in this manner decided to draft his son, (who was a bench player at Auburn), in the 8th round of the baseball draft…that wasn’t a conflict of interest. Nevermind the fact that I had told the Pittsburgh Pirates that I couldn’t take an internship with their staff because I was working for the Braves. Nevermind the fact that I have spent five years with an organization and all I needed was just one chance. That one chance represented a conflict of interest. Admittedly, Im bitter about the entire situation. I don’t respect people that I used to respect. In fact, I get so nauseated when I look at some people that I want to tell them how full of shit they are. The only way I can do that, is to go somewhere else, and beat the Braves. And I will. I want to be the GM who brings the entire Atlanta organization to its knees and crumbles to the ground in mound of rubble just because of one persons disrespect for not only me, but for one of the greatest manager in the history of the game. If Bobby Cox wasn’t the manager of the Braves, we wouldn’t be in the playoffs every year. And when the Braves end up losing 12 million over the next two years, you can blame one person, and its not Bobby Cox.

So Ive spent the entire summer in the clubhouse. Working noon to midnight…tap on an hour and half round-trip commute and I really don’t have much time for anything else.

However, my life is going back to normalcy, and with this phenomenom, the posts continue…..so, believe me on this, you can start coming back, its safe. Hopefully this will be the last serious post in a while. Im just starting to find my demented sense of humor again. And with this re-discovery comes the obnoxious posts.

Hey, Im Back

Give me a couple of weeks and Ill have some new material. Ive just been busy as fuck lately.

Thankfully, It Wasnt Suicide

It feels weird to write that, but according to an article in the Red and Black, John and Zach just died as an accident. It makes me feel better, in the sense that at least it wasnt intentional. However, it is stupid. Its fucking senseless and stupid. Drugs are the biggest waste of time ever. They are so fucking stupid. Their lives had all this potential and they fucked it all up.

Happiness is Athens in My Rearviewmirror

Hopefully, this will be the last I write about this for a while. The whole week just reminds me of the week of 9/11/01. As in, after all that shit happened....this dumb bitch couldnt understand why I was sad. She kept saying shit like, "What happened to the fun Doug." Dumb. Sometimes, there's just no reason to be happy. Sometimes shit goes bad and you cant make a joke out of it.

Anyways, I was in this surreal state at the funreal. I really cant remember that much of it. What I remember is that my mind wandered throughout the entire service. Just trying to think about what had happened. Trying to figure it all out. Obviously, no one can figure it out....but, nevertheless, I try. I tried working on my senior paper and just couldnt do it. I kept thinking and wondering. I know I should try and stop holding it all in. I mean, Im trying to write in order to get it out. But its tough. I dont believe in God. I dont understand how this is supposed to teach me anything about spirituality. And I know a lot of people are there for me to talk to. But I like to do this stuff on my own. I just try and figure it out for myself. Its stubborn, and its probably not healthy, but thats how it is.

I feel horrible for the parents. His father got up at the cementary and said, "I have three gifts in my life...my wife and my two sons." That just through a sledge-hammer into my gut. Theres not a day that will go by for the rest of my life where I wont think about these 48 hours. I can only imagine what the parents are going through and what they will go through.

They just could never escape the power of addiction. Ive got addictive habits and I know how tough they are too break. You never really lose the motivation to do certain things, you just suppress it. I used to like to drink all the time. I dont really do that much anymore. Too many days waking up realizing what I did the night before through third-hand accounts.

This just kind of solidifies my desire to get the fuck out of Athens. Im just sick of it all. There just hasnt been that much to be happy about the last couple of years. Theres that country song where the singer says, "Happiness is Lubbock in my rearviewmirror". I just fell the same. Im ready to move on. Theres just too much scar tissue in Athens. Too many people that flaked out.

I am going to my first funreal in around 9 hours. I dont know what to think. Its a weird feeling. Ive never known anyone personally who has died. Its just an awkward feeling. Theres just this thing in your stomach where no more than 30 seconds pass before you remember that John and Zach arent around anymore. I know it hasnt hit me yet. I just keep thinking about how painful their lives must have been these past few weeks. I cant keep thinking about their last night either.

What must it feel like to know you are going to die within minutes? What goes through your head?

Music is what I use to get me through shit. Thats why I know John must have listened to music. I know he listened to "I Got Shit". Why couldnt he have listened to "I am Mine"? On the way home from Lexington...at like 3am, John and I were talking about that line..."i know that i was born and i know that I'll die; the in between is mine.....I am mine".

That was Pearl Jam's whole deal....yeah shit gets tough, but things will get better....you control your own destiny. It just pains me to think that John gave up on all of that. It just sucks. Cause John had ambition. He wanted to manage bands. That was one of our favorite topics. He wanted to find the next Pearl Jam and guide them on a path of world domination....and I wanted to do the same with a baseball organization.

John spent night after night this summer helping me with my MLB revenue-sharing plan. John saw Lewis Black with me. John went to the NCAA tournament in Greensboro with me in 2001. John would leave on a moments notice to go gambling. John was a friend. And in the time when he needed a friend most, I didnt do shit. I know I probably couldnt have prevented anything. But it just hurts to think I could have put forth minimal effort, and I didnt.

I have no idea of the specifics from that night. But I just think about him sitting there, with his brother, both feeling as if no one cares about them at all. And deciding, this is it....this is something they have to do. I can picture it in my head and it makes me sick. Both of them, just giving up.

There's just this mental image of everything. He had to be listening to music, thats just John. I know it was Pearl Jam. And Im sure it was "I Got Shit"; I know because weve talked about how great that song is. Now thinking about the lyrics makes me want to vommit. I wish it had been "I Am Mine"; instead, it was "I Got Shit".

I dont know what will happen tomorrow. I havent slept much at all the last couple of days....I just keep thinking about those last moments. I cant sleep right now, and Im exhausted. Its nerve racking.

Alright, this is going to be long.....

Many of you have met one of my former roommates, John Adams. John Adams and his brother Zach were found early Saturday morning dead due to drug overdoses. Knowing John and Zach's specific situations, Im pretty confident this wasn't an accidental drug overdose. And for that reason, I just feel sick to my stomach.

John and Zach have been in and out of rehab since they were in high school. I met John freshman year at Creswell. He was a likeable guy. He was also older, therefore he could buy us liquor. Jaron and I moved in with John at the beginning of last fall semester (2001). John had been clean since his last bought with rehab. The thing that impressed me over and over again was how John would never fall off the wagon. He would baby-sit my drunk ass all the time and never take a sip of my drinks. In fact, the last time I remember John sober was when we went to Lexington, KY in November of 2002. We went for the UGA/UK game. As normal, Jaron and I got blitzed and tried to fight an entire bar, while John saved our asses.

That night, John was with his ex-drug buddies. They were all teasing him about being the "sober" one. After that weekend, shit went downhill. Right afterwards, I noticed John was drinking some of my beer. Then, we started smelling weed in our apartment. At that time, I thought it might be good to talk to John. I sat down with John and told him that I was concerned and cared about him....and if he wanted, I would take all of the liquor out of our apartment and it would never make an appearance again. John basically blew me off. He had good reasons....why the fuck should some guy who is always getting drunk, start lecturing him about the vices of consumption. A week later, he was tripping acid watching the Matrix. Jaron and I debated calling his parents.....but who the fuck are we? He's 25. It just didn't feel right to call someone's parents and tell them their child was a junkie again.

Thats when things got touchy. Basically, John moved out in late December. There's a lot of other shit that happened, but its not relevant.

We knew John was in bad shape. A week before spring break he came over and told us how he was bi-polar and a bunch of other shit. We also knew that he had progressed to harder drugs.

Pearl Jam was the common bond John and I had. John got through rehab listening to the album, "No Code". I got through a tough period in my life listening to "No Code." The album deals with vulnerability. Its just an album that expresses so much emotion. Most people hate this Pearl Jam album. But if you can relate to the lyrics, you literally find yourself ready to cry throughout the album. Its that fucking powerful. John and I, loved it. We would quote lyric after lyric:

"What's got the whole world faking?" - Mankind

"Makes more sense to live in the present tense" - Present Tense

"Sometimes i cringe, Sometimes i live" - Sometimes

"You are who, who you are" - Who You Are

"Wave to all my friends, yeah
they don't seem to notice me, no" - Up In My Tree

"Said he'll see me on the flip side
On this trip he's taken for a ride
He's been takin' too much on
There he goes with his perfectly unkept hope
There he goes" - Off He Goes

"See it happen to a couple of friends
See it happen and the message it sends
Takin off for what's an obvious fall
Just to see what all the fuss is about" - Habit

"I was bitten
Must have been the devil
He was just payin' me a little visit
Oh, reminding me of his presence Lettin' me know he's waiting" - Red Mosquito

"If I had known then, what I know right now" - Red Mosquito

These were the lyrics to the songs that have shaped my view of the world. Reading over them, Im physically nauseated thinking about it all. We spent so many nights talking about how great that album was; depression, drug addiction, self-affirmation, moving on….that’s all what the album is about.

I guess I feel bad that I could have provided John was support. It might not have been the best support, but I could fall back on "No Code." Instead, I just wished it would go away. I just WISHED he would clean up. That’s so fucking naïve thinking about it right now. You WISH for a fucking World Series ring. You don’t fucking WISH for someone you care about to clean their life up.

It just frustrates me. John's parents have lost both of their children to fucking drugs. FUCKING DRUGS. You know how fucking stupid that is to write???? Your fucking kid is dead because of DRUGS. Not because they died of cancer or a car wreck. Because they hated their existence so much, they got as high as possible and OD'd. FUCK.

I hurt because I cant even imagine how horrible John and Zach's life were before they ended it. I used to think of suicide as a coward's way out. However, think about it. Your life is so meaningless and full of blackness, that you would want to end it all. You have absolutely no feeling of happiness anywhere in your body.

I just don’t know what to think besides frustration. Ive already turned "No Code" off. I cant listen to it anymore. Im not sad yet, Im just frustrated. I don’t think it has hit me yet. I just know that Im frustrated about all of it. And that’s all I can think about right now.