Baseball, Equilibrium and Such

2004-05-17T17:15:00.000-04:00

Once every two months I spend $15 bucks to get my haircut. That means I spend $90/year on something I could give two flying fucks about. I could give a shit about my hair. The thing about getting your haircut is this: having to deal with the moron cutting your hair.

Now, Im not trying to offend anyone but does it really require that much skill to cut hair? I understand professional stylists and what not, but Im talking the run of the mill Great Clips employee.

The requirements to work at Great Clips are these:
1. A gay male, or overweight female.

Theres no way around this one. I have never gotten my hair cut by a hot girl at Great Clips. Its not going to happen. Instead, Jabba the Hut with her elastic-band stirrup pants gets to have her time with me.

2. Said employees must have IQs in the teens and live in a trailer park.

Sorry, its true. This is extremely easy to prove. Just wander into your local Great Clips, take a look at the flashy clothing and immediately drive to the closest trailer park. The people change, but the scenery is exactly the same.

The IQ part is just a given. I mean, I have my haircuts down to a science. "4 on the sides, layered on top, blended in, off the ears, no sideburns." NEVER HAPPENS!!! I swear, if I hear someone say to me one more time, "Wow, you have extremely straight hair, I think its gonna stick up for a couple weeks", right after they get down chopping it off, Im gonna die of a fucking anueryism. Listen princess, the reason I told you to keep my hair layered on top is because is sticks straight up if you cut it too fucking short. You think I dont know my own hair? Did you not comprehend what the fuck I asked you to do?

The thing is this, they never listen...then they act surprised when the hair starts sticking up. God it pisses me off.

3. No matter how un-interested the customer acts, you must try and talk to them.

Look, I came in to get a hair-cut. Dont ask me these questions:
A. "How are you doing today?"
B. "What do you do for a living?"
C. "Can I interest you in buying ______?"

First off, I came into get a haircut. I didnt come for conversation. If I felt this intense need to go talk to someone, I sure as hell wouldnt come to Great Clips.

Secondly, what the fuck does it matter what the hell I do to make money? I'm so pissed at people asking me that question that I just lie my ass off. Today, I told this lovely lady that I "played the lottery for a living". I swear to God, I told her that I played $250 in Cash 3 tickets a night to win $500. And that if you do it that way you have a 25% chance to win everynight. Now most people would think in their head..."If hes winning 500 every fourth night, that means hes losing a total of 750 the other three nights".

Lastly, I use the cheapest shampoo available. Again, I dont give a fuck about my hair...dont waste your breath, I dont care.

I dont mean to rip all over these people...but fucking christ, cut my hair and get on with life. And another thing, I dont want to see pictures of your fucking kids all over the mirror. Its disturbing enough to see myself coupled with your enourmous breasts brushing against my ears.

2004-04-21T00:59:00.000-04:00

If God himself came down, sat himself on my bed, and told me that he could grant me one wish, this would be it:

I would want someone to go on MTV's "I Want A Famous Face" and request to be Michael Jackson. Screw world peace, world hunger, crime, etc...I want to laugh my ass off at someone for a solid thirty minutes.

Yes, I know Im going to hell, and I dont mind.

2004-04-13T02:38:00.000-04:00

The Greatest Poker Hand Ever:

So get the picture....its Doug and Derek, inebriated, coked up on greenies, and desperate...this is commentary less than ten minutes after this hand.

All night we were getting our asses kicked. Left and right, one punch in the gut after another. Then this beautiful thing happened, I won $121 on one hand of poker:

***** Hand History for Game 522468523 *****
3/6 TexasHTGameTable (Limit) - Tue Apr 13 02:10:13 EDT 2004
Table Las vegas players (Real Money) -- Seat 2 is the button
Total number of players : 10
Seat 1: kir111 ( $180.50)
Seat 2: ekezz ( $146)
Seat 3: B00051 ( $87)
Seat 4: kinkead ( $39)
Seat 5: UpDaRizzle ( $99)
Seat 6: Da__One ( $169.50)
Seat 7: Bryons ( $114)
Seat 8: DonT2 ( $74)
Seat 9: snapple154 ( $89)
Seat 10: skessler ( $159)
kinkead posts small blind (1)
UpDaRizzle posts big blind (3)
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to snapple154 [ Kc, Ks ]

Alright, the second best hand in poker. Once already tonight, Ive had my pocket kings busted by pocket aces. Ive had pocket jacks busted by pocket queens...Im cynical...I hate my life.

Da__One folds.
Bryons calls (3)
DonT2 raises (6) to 6
snapple154 raises (9) to 9

If Im going out, Im going out in a blaze of glory.

skessler folds.
kir111 folds.
ekezz folds.
kinkead folds.
UpDaRizzle folds.
Bryons raises (9) to 12

Fine asshole..go ahead and re-raise me. Im drunk, Im rich (on gambling), and Im gonna fuck your little sister.

DonT2 calls (6)
snapple154 calls (3)

** Dealin Flop ** : [ 3d, Kd, 8c ] g

Alright, Ive got the nuts, as of now the only way i can lose is if another player is holding two diamonds and outdraws me....like I said, Im going out in a blaze of glory...fuck it all.

Bryons bets (3)
DonT2 calls (3)
snapple154 raises (6) to 6Bryons raises (6) to 9

Ok, Im re-raising everyone because I have the nuts....and Im getting no respect.

DonT2 raises (9) to 12

Keep raising me asshole, Im gonna be owning your mortgage soon.

snapple154 calls (6)
Bryons calls (3)

** Dealing Turn ** : [ 2c ]

Alright, so a club comes, I've still got the nuts by a long shot...no one can beat me right now.....yet these assholes keep betting.

Bryons bets (6)
DonT2 calls (6)
snapple154 raises (12) to 12

Call my shit you motherfuckers, go ahead and call it you pieces of shit.

skessler: ...
Bryons raises (12) to 18
skessler: ..
DonT2 raises (18) to 24snapple154 calls (12)

Alright, Ive got the nuts and people are re-raising behind me. Fucking christ, I love my life.

Bryons calls (6)

** Dealing River ** : [ 2s ]

Alright I've got a full house, the only way I can lose this hand is if someone had pocket twos. Those motherfuckers wouldnt be re-raising me with pocket twos..so im going out with a blaze of glory.

Bryons bets (6)
DonT2 folds.

snapple154 raises (12) to 12

Ive basically got the nuts, and these fuckers keep re-raising me.

Bryons raises (12) to 18
snapple154 raises (12) to 24Bryons calls (6)

** Summary **
Main Pot: $193 | Rake: $3
Board: [ 3d Kd 8c 2c 2s ]

Bryons balance $42, lost $72 [ Kh Qh ] [ two pairs, kings and twos -- Kh,Kd,Qh,2c,2s ]
snapple154 balance $210, bet $72, collected $193, net +$121 [ Kc Ks ] [ a full house, Kings full of twos -- Kc,Ks,Kd,2c,2s ]

I OWN YOU BITCH!!!! YOU BOW DOWN TO ME!!!! RE-RAiSING ME WITH NOWHERE NEAR THE NUTS!!!! FUCK YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!!

2004-03-29T17:57:00.000-05:00

Is there anything sadder than seeing someone wearing one of those "hand's free" devices for their cell phone? I mean, seriously, how tired are those people. I can understand the people that wear them in the car. There is still no doubt that it is gay, yet at least they are trying to be safe. However, these assholes who wear it as a fashion accessory, no.

How in the hell can they look in the mirror and think that anyone takes them seriously? Is there anything more hillarious than seeing anyone use one of those pieces while their hands are actually, "free". That my friends, is comedy. If I was govenor, Id make those fucking things illegal. In all honesty, Id rather the roads we travel on be more dangerous than to continue looking at morons who wear that shit.

In other news, I pruchased the Guns and Roses "Greatest Hits" album today. There was no band better the GNR during the late 1980s and early 1990s. Seriously, they fucking kick the shit out of any band from that time period. If that band ever gets back together in the original lineup, I will shell out tons of money to see them.

Continuing the discussion of music, on MTV2, they did some countdown of the 22 Best Bands or something another. Anyways, they were discussing Nirvana and all of these old fuckers were trying to talk about how deep his lyrics were.

This one incredibly old fucker was trying to say that Kurt Cobain foreshadowed his own suicide through the lyrics of "Come As You Are". In that song, Cobain says over and over again, "And I swear that I dont have a gun." Now, the song is about how most people are incredible assholes and they want to exert their influence over people through violence. As in a government's use of fear to control people. He wants people to listen to his message and not be scared of him.

Meanwhile, youve got numbnuts on the screen repeating those lyrics with a mock lump in his throat. "Incredible" he keeps saying. You dumb motherfucker, hes not talking about suicide. Jesus christ. How is that guy 1) employed and 2) on MTV discussing the top 22 bands of all time when he has no clue what the song hes referring to is even about.

Thats just sad that they allow shit like that to happen.

2004-03-22T02:37:00.000-05:00

This is the lyrics from U2's song, "Exit", from the Joshua Tree; Its depressing, no doubt, but its some good shit. Coupled with the music; this song is completely bad ass. Go on Kazaa and steal this shit for all I care:

You know he got the cure
You know he went astray
He used to stay awake
To drive the dreams he had away
He wanted to believe
In the hands of love

His head it felt heavy
As he cut across the land
A dog started crying
Like a broken hearted man
At the howling wind
At the howling wind

He went deeper into black
Deeper into white
Could see the stars shining
Like nails in the night
He felt the healing
Healing, healing
Healing hands of love
Like the stars shiny shiny
From above

Hand in the pocket
Finger on the steel
The pistol weighed heavy
His heart he could feel
Was beating, beating
Beating, beating oh my love
Oh my love, oh my love
Oh my love

My love

Saw the hands that build
Can also pull down

The hands of love

2004-03-19T19:51:00.000-05:00

Two Quick Things:

Never do business with Fisher Investments because they've asked me back for a second interview. My first interview was so horrible that I was the one who intiated the ending. Anyways, I must be up against retards.

Secondly, Im at a gas station tonight and there is a man of, shall we say, Middle-Eastern disent behind the counter. He keeps mumbling shit at me about beer and stuff that I really have no idea what hes talking about. However, Im trying to keep eye contact with him to make him think that I totally understand where he is comming from. He then pulls out this deck of playing cards with US Political and Army Figures pcitured on them.

So I ask him about where he got those and he mumbles something about his "brothers in-line with Allah". But hey, good times.

2004-03-18T18:35:00.000-05:00

No One Wants To Fuck Jessica Simpsons Brain

Via MTV News:

"In Washington, D.C., recently to perform at the An American Celebration at Ford's Theatre event with Patti LaBelle and Michelle Williams, Jessica Simpson was given a tour of the White House and was introduced to Interior Secretary Gale Norton. "You've done a nice job decorating the White House," Simpson told her, according to the Chicago Sun-Times. ..."

2004-03-16T00:55:00.000-05:00

Wheel of Fortune

A long time ago in a huge executive board room, a group of television executives held an extremely sensitive meeting concerning the programming on their channel. See, they knew game shows were a hit among the public but they felt that game shows like Jeopardy only appealed to a small part of the viewing public. In their opinion, the game-show market wasnt reaching its potential. "What game show could we create which would tap into the stupidity of the American pulic and induce such a demand that it could run for twenty years or more?"

As soon as that thought escaped the tongue of the executive, a man shot up from his seat and exclaimed, "Eureka!!!! Our problems have been solved!!! We can create a game show called Wheel of Fortune where even the dumbest of dumb people can watch and play along!!!"

And that was how the game show for America's retards was born. Let me explain to you something about Wheel of Fortune, ITS FOR FUCKING IDOITS!!! I mean, come on, its hang-man with a fucking wheel. I never realized how grotesquely dumb it was until I watched an ENTIRE episode tonight.

First off, it requires NO SKILL at all. I mean, sure, you can "practice" spelling....but most people stop after their weekly spelling tests end in the fifth grade. Just to confrim the stupidity of the show I am going to give you an example:

Alright, the category was "Clue" which meant that the puzzle was a phrase and if you answered the puzzle correctly you got a shot and answering the clue. If you answered the clue, you got another $3,000. So this was on the board:

"A Roman _od or The Planet Closest To The Sun"

Now, the womans who turn it was had no idea how to even solve the puzzle. She kept thinking for a minute and decided she would spin and hope that the missing letter would come to her during the spin. The wheel lands on "Lose A Turn", but shes got her free spin from an earlier round and envokes that clause. So, she decides she better try and solve this puzzle...she starts reading the board...stops after Roman...pauses...and then YELLS "GOD" once she realized that was the answer.

Pat Sajack then saunters over to her and asks her to answer the question for an additional $3,000. Her answer: "Pluto".

It gets better, once she realizes she is wrong, she says, "The Moon".

Now, if Im the producer of the show, Im cutting to commercial with the hope that no one really stops and thinks about her two answers. She answered the planent FURTHERST frmm the Sun and an satellite which isnt even a fucking planet.

These wrong answers do not deter the young lassie, "Saturn...Jupiter...Mars..MERCURY!!!" Then she jumps up an down after she gets the question right. Gallileo would have been proud. Pat Sajack would have gained a lot of my respect if he just told her, "After the show, would you do mankind a favor and go play hopscoth on any highway?"

But my story doesnt end there. The girl who won the show kept going bankrupt at the begining of the show because she refused to solve the puzzle and kept spinning the wheel. Before the final round Pat Sajack says to her, "Way to stick with your strategy and not get deterred from all of the bankrupts. That flusters some people and they cannot compete later in the game."

Pat, buddy.....spare me. Like theres ANY strategy AT ALL for "Wheel of Fortune". That would be like me telling a race car driver at the Daytona 500, "That was a good strategy to keep turning left. Some people get bored and re-enact Dale Earnhardt by going into a curve and turning right. Good call, buddy."

Do you know the alphabet, yes. Can you read, yes. Thats the only skills you need.

2004-03-13T19:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I get a call from Apple concerning my I-Pod.

Obviously this call isnt verbatim, but its pretty fucking close:

Apple: "Mr. Childers we are calling to inform you that your 6 month warranty is about to expire for your I-Pod. Up to this point, calls to the tech-support staff and all hardware defects are free of charge. However, after April 1, these services will discontinue. However, you can continue this warranty an additional six months for a one-time charge of 24.99. "

Me: "Thats alright, I havent had a problem with my I-Pod."

Apple: "Yes, however, after this warranty period expires any call to our customer support service will cost 49.95."

Me w/ annoyed tone: "Ive never felt the urge to call concerning any problems."

Apple: "Yes, also, any hardware defect will be replaced free of charge."

Me: "Actually, you mean at 24.99"

Apple: "No, free."

Me: "No, see, Im paying you 24.99 for additional coverage which means that if I need anything replaced, it will have already costed me 24.99."

Apple: "Thats one of looking at it."

Me: "Im pretty sure thats an accurate way of looking at it. Regardless, I dont forsee any problems."

Apple: "You are aware that once your intrenal lithium battery expires you will have to replace your entire I-Pod, correct?"

Me: "Huh?"

Apple: "Yes, our customers have reported that once their internal lithium battery expires, the entire I-Pod is rendered useless unless you install a new battery. Unfortunately, this product defect wasnt discovered until after the I-Pod had been on the market for quite some time. However, the cost of replacing this battery will be covered under your extended warranty."

Me: "So you are telling me that you sold me a defective product and to make up for it, I get to give you some more money so that it will one day be corrected."

Apple: "Again sir, thats one way of looking at it"

Me: "No thanks, once this battery expires I'll just buy a Dell MP3 player."

Apple: "But Sir..."

Me: "I suppose thats another way of looking at it."

CLICK

Seriously, the nerve of some fucking companies. They admitted that they fucked up with the design of the product and want me to spend more money to remedy the problem. This is another brillant plan from a company that decided it would GIVE away tons of Macs throughout public schools under the thought that kids would become familiar with these computers and then buy a Mac once they become consumers. How did that plan work out? It worked out so well for them that I cannot think of anyone that owns an Apple computer. Brillant.

2004-03-11T16:12:00.000-05:00

Is there anything more awkward than watching TV with your Dad when some Viagra or Levitra commercial comes on? They show some 50 year old dude talking about how his Dr. prescribed this great medicine in order for him to get ready for battle. Theres always this long silence where both of us sit there and stare at the TV hoping that the other isnt thinking about what the other is thinking about.

2004-03-09T17:23:00.000-05:00

I am officially considering moving away from this great land of ours. This move has been considered after realizing I live within a nation of idoits.

Example #1: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/fakemillion1.html

First and foremost, this lady tried to pay for $1,500 in merchandise with 2 Wal-Mart Gift Cards with around $2.00 bucks available on both of them. Once she realizes that $1500 doesnt equal $2, she offers to pay with a $1,000,000 dollar bill. Now, the REAL tradgedy of this is that the cashier accepted the bill, and then called the manager over to ask if they had $998,000 in change!!! How can any living person be that dumb. If Im given a million dollar bill, I laugh and think its a joke or tell the person to get lost. This cashier took the bill and then typed in $1,000,000 and THEN decided she might not have enough change in her cash register, so she calls over the manager.

Example #2: The Peoples Court, Judge Judy, and Judge Joe Brown

Nothing makes me feel better about my life than watching morons try and settle lawsuits on these TV shows. For example, today, a 15 year old girl tried to sue her hair-dresser for $3,000 because she was given a bad hair cut. Even though the hair cut only cost her $25. She attributed the other $2975 to potential lost wages during the month it took her hair to grow out. See, shes a "model" apparently. The only problem was that shes never actually modelled. In fact, her claim was, "I know I could be a model, but I couldnt for a month and so I think I deserve the money that I could have made." Stop, go back and read that statement once again. SHES NEVER BEEN A MODEL!!!!! YET, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL!!! You know what else you aren't an intelligent human being.

The very next case, this guy goes to buy a cell phone, his credit sucks so he cant get approved. So the MANAGER of the cell phone store says to another customer, "Would you mind us giving a phone to this guy in your name so that he can get approved?" Mind you, this other customer had no idea who the guy with bad credit was. So obviously, he says, "Yes". But wait, it gets better. The guy who has the cell phone decides hes not gonna pay his bill. So the guy whose credit is getting ruined turns the phone off. So the guy who had has phone turned off and never paid his bill SUES THE GUY WHO TURNED HIS PHONE OFF!!!! Jesus Christ, its raining stupid people.

2004-03-07T17:26:00.000-05:00

By the way, I just head this from CBS Basketball Commentator Clark Kellog:

Cue 'Insightful' Former Basketball Player Voice:
"He is shooting 1 for 1 which is a great field goal percentage but not near enough shot volume."

Wow, thanks. I, as part of the viewing public, would have never been able to come to that conclusion had it not been for Clark Kellog. If Im in charge of CBS Sports, once I hear him say that, he's fired. No questions asked.

2004-03-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

TWO NEW BLOGS

First and foremost, I would like to introduce you to my new blog about my poker experiences. If you think girls and shitty music pisses me off, wait till you read about some of the hands I've lost at online poker.

Secondly, most of you know my obsession with fantasy baseball. Furthermore, most of you know that every year my team sucks ass because I draft the biggest pussies on the face of the Earth. The Fantasy Baseball blog is a blog that everyone from my league can use and rant about how shitty their team is.

That is all.

2004-03-07T15:01:00.000-05:00

Im watching TV and see a commercial for "The Best of Hootie and the Blowfish". Apparently, they have a greatest hits album out. Now correct me if Im wrong, but wouldnt their greatest hits album just be a re-release of their debut album. I mean, did they really have a career after that one summer?

And also, Im really sick of these reality-talent shows. I have never watched one single episode of American Idol and I never will. What I dont understand is why every show feels the need to blatantly copy the style of American Idol. For Christsakes, ESPN has their own reality show based on American Idol themes. Are you kididng me? If I see another commercail for "Dream Job", Im gonna make Stuart Scotts other eye go lazy. What I dont understand and what really pisses me off, is that people who will not vote in the upcomming elections will sit in front of their TVs and vote on the next American Idol.

2004-03-03T01:29:00.000-05:00

SATAN CREATED I-TUNES

I dont steal music from artists. Instead, I slowly but surely bleed my bank account of money through downloading MP3s on I-Tunes. Before I had I-Tunes, I would hear a song on the radio or MTV and think, "Hey, the next time Im in Best Buys I'll think about getting this album". The odds of me actually going and buying that album was 1/10. Simply because Im a lazy asshole. Now, Ive got Best Buys on my fucking hard-drive.

I think to myself, "I really want to hear some Alice in Chains" so I start downloading albums. Its so fucking addictive. It takes 4 seconds/song. Its gotten so bad, that Im downloading albums I already own because Im too lazy to fucking rip them onto my computer.

My addiction reached a low point about eight minutes ago. Tonight, at trivia, I heard the George Michael song, "Freedom 90". For some reason, I really love the drums and piano on that track. So I went and downloaded it. Now, Ive just realized Ive downloaded the gayest song on the face of the Earth.

Do you know how hard it is to look in the mirror and realize that not only did you just download that song, YOU FUCKING PAID FOR IT. This is why I will never try Heroin or Cocaine. Because I know I will love it and become a strung-out junkie. I'll end up giving guys like George Michael hand jobs off Piedmont in order to support my habit.

2004-02-29T21:02:00.000-05:00

Random, Disgruntled Thoughts

Early this morning on MTV2, there was this video by a girl who was doing a jazz/soul version of The White Stripes, "Fell In Love With A Girl". First off, I hate the White Stripes. Secondly, this girl is gonna make money by covering a song that isnt even five years old yet. What the fuck??? Sure, she put different music to it...but cmon, that must have taken all of one day for an accomplished musician.

And how much do I hate Gideon Yago from MTV News. Theres no way in hell thats his real fucking name. And even if If thats on his drivers license then he deserves to get his ass kicked for the simple fact that his name is Gideon. The reason I hate him more than anything, is because hes one of those kids. You know, one of those kids who wear sports jackets over grungy t-shirts to complement their cool, trendy Clark Kent glasses.

And while Im bitching about MTV News correspondents, John Norris, get a grip with reality. There is absolutely no reason to dress like you are 20....WHEN YOU ARE FORTY.

You know, as I keep typing, I get more and more pissed off at MTV. So here it goes:

These "True Life, Im a Teenager Mother", thats not entertainment for me. That just pisses me off knowing Ive got to pay for some trashes kid.

And honestly, P. Diddy, "I think I know, and I have an idea". Because these whole Diary episodes where stars act like their lives or so friggin hectic and demanding, SAVE IT. If you hate it so much, go pump gas at Quick Trip and shut the fuck up. If I see another millionaire look into the camera with this serious/deep look and spill their guts into the camera about how tough it is to be rich and famous, I'm going to drive to New York and drop kick Gideon Yago. Ok, I wont actually do that, but you see the amount of pent up anger I have invested in MTV.

I would like to thank MTV for showing Jessica Simpson though, she might have moved into my top 5.

Continuing my assualt on television, I need to stop watching Full House at 5am because I might die of an anueryism. Seriously, how in the hell was that show popular. DJ was fat and ugly. Uncle Jesse was a tool. Im not saying anything im just saying that you never saw Uncle Joey with a girl...just thought Id bring that up. Bob Saget was kind of funny. Only because whenever I see him, I just think of the scene in "Half-Baked". Kimmy Glibert, her dad must have had pictures of the executive producer mounting a sheep, because the only thing she adds to the show is additional shit.

I feel much better now.

2004-02-26T02:39:00.000-05:00

Derek Brought This On Himself

Alright, around a year ago, Derek Chelf and I got drunk watching Jeopardy. The final question was, "What was the biggest state in the 19th century". I answered Missouri strictly on the basis of Manifest Destiny. The United States felt that any land was ours, and since no state was "erected" to the west of Missouri before Missouri...Missouri continues indefinitely. Thats how it works. Thats the idea behind Manifest Destiny.

Its like this. Someone gives you a piece of land with no boundaries. Where does your land extend to? Well, it extends until it hits someone elses land. Therefore, Missouri continued indefinitely until Nebraska, Colorado, etc.. was established. HENCE, when Missouri was first founded, it was the biggest state of the 19th Century. I dare you to try and prove me wrong.

MANIFEST DESTINY GODDAMMIT

2004-02-25T01:39:00.000-05:00

From another extended abscence, Im back.

Well, Ive got some real sad news to report. One of my best friends ever is no longer with us/me. We had to put Freckles down two weeks ago. Its times like these, real late at night, that I miss her most. She would come into my room once my parents went to sleep and hang out with me. We both loved to sleep all day and stay up all night long. She was so awesome. I swear, she understood me more than most people.

The night before we put her down, she wouldnt go to sleep. After twelve hours of her not sleeping, we knew something wasnt right. The next morning I woke up real early and she still hadnt gone to sleep. I called my mom and dad up and they decided we needed to take her to the vet for the inevitable. My mom got home and was already in tears. We put Freckles in the car and drove her to the vet. On the way, we got her a hamburger at McDonalds. The entire trip to the vet I was fighting the lump in my throat. I kept thinking about her throughout my entire life. Freckles has been part of our family since I was in third grade.

Once we got to the vet, we went into the examination room. My dad signed the appropriate forms, and I couldnt be there anymore. I got down on my knees and told Freckles that I loved her and that I would always miss her. By then I was sobbing and Freckles, being Freckles, just licked away at my tears.

Lewis Grizzard wrote about his dog, Catfish, that: "There were times he was all that I had." And thats how I feel about Freckles too. There were just so many times that her prescence and love pulled me through difficult times. She was one of my best friends and I will forever miss her.

2004-02-17T01:24:00.000-05:00

My interviews

Im too fucking honest. I really am. It kills me. I have had two interviews where I have shot myself in the foot without even trying to get the job. And these were jobs that I wanted.

The first job was for "The Myers Group", which is a health-care firm that supplies information to companies concerning what health insurance plans the companies shoud use for their employees. Basically, you get paid to research tons of different options, etc..

Anyways, this guy asks me , "Do you mind montomous data entry?"

Now, most NORMAL people woud say, "Oh, it doesnt bother me at all. Im prepared to do whatever it takes so that your firm can understand what a dedicated employee I am."

I knew I should have said that, but you know what I said, "Well, I wont slit my wrist over it"

WHAAAATTTT??????

Who fucking says that, me.

In the same interview, "Do you work well in teams?"

I should have gushed about how great teamwork was. Instead, I say, "I really dont like working with other people. In fact, I do much better work on my own."

Thats just fucking moronic.

Now, there was another interview with Ranstand. They wanted me to be a financial analyst for their corporate office. Basically, I would go over financial reports and statements and decide if certain investments were risks or not.

They ask me, "What are your thoughts of business ethics, etc..?"

You know what comes out of my mouth, "If you arent cheating, you arent trying".

I mean, I honestly feel that way. Accountants are professional liars. They exaggerate assets and minimize liablities. You buy $100 worth of pencils and the accountant decides that even though you paid cash for those pencils, instead of showing the $100 dollars as an expense, the pencils now become another asset. SURPISE!!!! You never really spent any money!!! Youve got $100 in pencils. BULLSHIT. You try and tell me that you can liquidate those fucking pencils for $100 bucks. Fucking liars. JESUS CHRIST.

You show me the accountants for Enron and I'll show you some good fucking accountants. They convinced the entire world that Enron was profitable. They did their job. Thats what accountants do, they lie. Its common knowledge. Therefore, people need to be aware of this and try to undermine the accountants. Thats what I meant, you need to be aware of the incentive to lie and try to figure out if they are lying.

Anyways, they didnt take it that way, alas, im still unemployed.

2004-02-17T01:05:00.000-05:00

Heres what I dont understand..Im unemployed, and whatever genius designed McDonald's new ad campaign has a job. Let me review these two commercials.

First theres this commercial where people are playing basketball in rollerblades. WHAT THE FUCK???? Seriously, who sits in their office and says, "Ok we need something cool, hip, young and fresh. I know, Ill have people playing basketball. Hmm, thats not really hip though....alright, I'll make them play basketball in the ghetto with a groovy rap beat on in the background....thats young, hip and fresh. How can I make it cool? DUH, ROLLERBLADES!!!! Whats cooler than rollerblades? I'll have the kids play basketball in rollerblades in the ghetto with rap music in the background."

This has to be, hands down, the worse commercial.

But these creators of suckness werent done. They decided, "Hey, we need to continue this marketing campaign...lets fill another commercial emphasising our cheap prices." So they have this guy go around his apartment handing his neighbors little treats from McDonalds. Then, at the end of the commercial, he goes into his own apartment and starts rehearsing with his band. They then cut away and show the neighbors in their individual apartments thrilled that they got some cheap ass food. Nevermind that their walls are shaking due to the horrible sounds emitted from their neighbors apartment. Im thinking to myself, if my walls are gonna be shaking, I better get more than a fucking McFlury or an apple pie from McDonalds.

And to continue this rant on commercials, Michelob Ultra needs to get a fucking grip. When it first came out, they showed people in the gym working out and shit, and then cut to a glass of Michelob Ultra. I thought I was watching a goddamn Gatorade commercial. Who in their right mind sees that commercial and thinks, "Hey, I might start taking Michelob Ultra to the gym with me". And by the way, any male that drinks Michelob Ultra isnt a male anymore.

2004-01-15T21:17:00.000-05:00

Maybe Its That Time of the Month.....

For some reason, Im fucking pissed off. I know that might come as a real shock to most of you, but Im just fucking pissed off.

You cant help but to get pissed off once you realize that Pauly Shore, at one time of his life, was famous. How the fuck can that guy be famous, and not me. What the fuck?

2004-01-13T23:43:00.000-05:00

Derek Chelf and I had an English class together sophomore year. The professor, Brad Edwards, had a reverse mo-hawk. Im sure it wasnt intentional. He was losing his hair in a manner so that he had a bald streak running up the middle of his head...scary shit. Anyways, I hated him. Derek and I sat in the back of the class and my sole purpose for attending class was to make Edwards miserable. Look asshole, if you are gonna make attendance mandatory, then its your problem. You made the bed, now sleep in it.

Anyways, we had to write a paper on symbolsim in the book, "A Farewell to Arms". It was due on a Friday at 7:00pm. Now, Uptown Lounge used to have 25 cent beer at happy hour on Friday. Paul Johnson and I went to Uptown, got drunk, and then I stumbled back to the dorm room and wrote this paper...Derek and Hatian will remember this vividly:

Doug Childers
ENGL2340
April 13, 2001
Professor Edwards
Your Boy, Saint Anthony

Many of us, (well, in fact all of us who are in ENGL2340 with Edwards), have read Ernest Hemingway's page-turner, "A Farewell to Arms". Within this novel, Catherine Barkley presents the protagonist, Fredric Henry with a medallion of Saint Anthony before he goes to battle. One cannot wonder, 'Who is Saint Anthony?' What is the man behind the myth, the legend, the saint, Saint Anthony? Within these next few paragraphs, I will unravel the enigma of this Saint.

When I think of a Saint, I automatically associate the image with a New Orleans football player. However, this would not be historically accurate considering this novel was written well before the football team was created. Therefore, the reader must associate the medallion with the actual Saint, Saint Anthony. The great Saint Bonaventure stated, "Saint Anthony possessed the science of the angels, the faith of the patriarchs, the fore-knowledge of the prophets, the zeal of the apostles, the heroism of martyrs." One must ask themselves, 'Who is such a great man who is likened in such a great manner?' Well, its elementary my dear Watson, that Saint Bonaventure only spoke the truth about Saint Anthony.

According to historical, biblical text, (which are in no doubt accurate), Saint Anthony was born on June 13, 1195. Apparently, Saint Anthony turned down a life of wealth and riches in order to spread the word of God. That's nice and all, but we still don’t understand his motivations and convictions behind this shunning of wealth. The word on the street is that Anthony was involved in a shipwreck. He was so happy to have survived the shipwreck, that he devoted his life to the teaching of God.

This survival of such a harsh situation explains why Catherine might have given the medallion of Saint Anthony to Fredric Henry. Fredric Henry was going into a somewhat bleak situation, and Catherine wanted the luck that Saint Anthony possessed during his dire strait to be passed onto Henry. In closing, here is a quote attributed to Saint Anthony, learn what you will, " Actions speak louder than words; let your words teach and your actions speak."

2004-01-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

So I get a call from Eric Tuesink informing me that he has created a blog in order to challenge my blog. If you read his one and only post, (refer to the links), you will see that he admits to watching "Sex and The City". Solely based on that reason, I rule Eric Teusink.

2003-12-27T06:46:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to Osama Bin Laden

Mr. Bin Laden,

According to US Intelligence, you and your boys were planning on bombing Las Vegas. Let me make this extremely clear: If you, in any shape decide to do anything that would hurt any casino in Las Vegas, I will head to the Tora Bora mountains myself and drag you out by your beard. I dont get physically violent that much, but if a single piece of felt on any blackjack or poker table is damaged due to your terrorist operations, your precious Jihad will look like an elementary school field day after I unleash the fury of MY firestorm upon you.

With Regards,
Doug Childers

2003-12-26T20:44:00.000-05:00

Everyone of those people that insist on putting a wreath on the grill of their car need to measure their circumference of their wrist with a razor blade. Driving down to my grandparents on Christmas Day, I was bombarded with minivan after minivan with fucking goddamn wreaths on the grill of their car. Goddammit, what the fuck is wrong with you. Everytime I saw one, I thought to myself, "Wouldnt It be justice if somehow that wreath caused a wreck and everyone in the entire car died. Everyone excpet for the person whose lame-ass idea it was to put the wreath there in the first place. That way, theyd spend the rest of their life riddled with guilt."

Merry Christmas

2003-12-25T06:09:00.000-05:00

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG POST - HOWEVER, GOOD TIMES

Ok, its fucking 6am on Christmas Morning and on MTV2 they are showing the "100 Greatest Videos" of all time. Now this countdown is largely based on the cinematography and concepts of the videos, not based on the actual music...but im sure it is somewhat involved in the process. Yes, this is a fucked way to be spending Christmas, but Ive got a TiVO, so take that into account before you think im a pathetic bastard. I figure Im the most qualified person on the face of the Earth to criticize this list, so why not? Anyway, here is a running diary of the videos:

100 - Green Day, "Basket Case" - Green Day was the first punk bad to sell itself to MTV. Its just a fucking joke. All of these bands get big thanks to MTV and then they try to keep their punk credibility. Once you start snuggling up to Carson Daly, theres no more credibility.

99 - Will Smith, "Parents Just Dont Understand" - WTF!!! This video sucked. Will Smith sucks and im sure there will be 10 more of his shitty videos.

98 - REM, "Everybody Hurts" - Alright, I am personally insulted that this video is 98. Not only is at a badass video its a good fucking song. Under no circumstances should it be only one slot better than anything Will Smith ever did. Its an insult

97 - Human Being, "Dont You Want Me?" - Fucking 80's videos are horrible and their songs are even worse.

96 - The Replacements, "Bastards of the Young" - I didnt even know they made a video. And it sucks....NO WAY IN HELL SHOULD THESE SONGS BE RANKED HIGHER THAN EVERYBODY HURTS. Fucking Christ, Bryan Adams is gonna be comming up soon, I can just feel it. Oh yeah, and this video is brilliant....its just the camera focused on a speaker. That must have taken the director all of 8 minutes in between his lines of blow to come up with. "Everybody Hurts" = 98. Youve got to be fucking kidding me.

95 - George Michael, "Faith" - According to Carson Daly, "This video is important because it was Michael post-Wham effort." Enough said. It kills me that all these fucking girls thought he was so fucking hot when he was only concerned with smoking some sausage. And Im still convinced that Ben Affleck is in the closest. Simply because he embraces that queer phrase, "metrosexual". I guarantee you that if that phrase existed in 1987, George Michael would have been all about it

94 - Wyclef Jean, "Gone Till November" - I really like this song a whole lot. According to my IPOD, its one of the top 300 MP3s that I play.

93 - U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" - Im a U2 fan and all, but they are real hit and miss. They have songs like "One", "Where the Streets Have No Name" and "Zooropa", then they put out crap like this song. It incorporates the same fucking chord throughout the whole song with an un-original drum beat. However, that was U2 sound from the 80s.

92 - LL Cool J, "Going Back to Cali" - pure shit.

91 - Prince, "1999" - Hey Prince, tell me how that brilliant marketing idea of changing your name to a symbol worked out for you? Prince used to be huge, now hes just an unpronouncable symbol. I hate this song just because i seemed like I heard it 1999 times during the year 1999. Just because I hate Fred Durst, Id like to point out that there are now two songs on this list that Limp Bizkit covered, that just shows how uncreative those fuckers are.

90 - Lenny Kravitz, "Are You Gonna Go My Way" - Does anyone like Lenny Kravitz anymore? He used to be married to the oldest daughter on the Cosby Show. And you know what always pissed me off about Bill Cosby, was his fucking tired act. He always did that shit with kids....god, save it. It was just part of his masterplan to brainwash kids into eating Jello products. Sure, I might be cynical. But you didnt see Bob Saget writing books about how to raise your kids. And if there was a book by Bob Saget, you wouldnt give it the time of day. But lets break this down, Bob Saget had to raise THREE daughters without a Mom and with two incompentent older men living with him. If Im gonna take advice about how to raise kids from a fictional father, its gonna be from Bob Saget.

89 - They Might Be Giants, "Dont Lets Start" - this is one of those fucking alt-indie bands that just drive me crazy. Basically, it was DEVO recreated and all the nerds in your high school loved it. The kids that scoff at you when you say, "Man that band sucks". But in reality, they have no idea whats going on, they just know other indie kids like it so they join the rest of the flock and talk about how brillant they are.

88 - Janet Jackson, "Love Will Never Do Without You" - Shes got some fucking bizzies. I do think she has a really talented sister though...I really loved the "Thriller" video she did. Whenever you think youve got it bad, just check out Micheal Jacksons mugshot, then youll know things arent really that fucked up.

87 - Prodigy, "Firestarter" - they had that song "Smack My Bitch Up". Which I thought was pretty funny. I mean, its not funny for someone to hit a girl. But to write a song glorifying it just makes you laugh. Its kind of like seeing a retard try to walk. You know you shouldnt laugh but you are biting the insides of your cheeks. Admit it, you do it.

86 - Billy Idol, "Rock the Cradle" - CMON!!! This is not an innovative video. Taking Billy Idol seriously as a musician is like considering crack as a vitamin.

85 - Tom Petty, "Dont Come Around Here No More" - alright, a video that actually i like. Tom Petty is a fucking bad ass. Give me his greatest hits, sprinkle in a couple of shit from his last three albums and its all good. He always seems stoned. But then again, if I was a millionaire and I didnt have to answer to anyone, I would be fucked up every second of my life too. I mean what the fuck, are they gonna fire you if you fail the goddamn drug test?

84 - Method Man, "You're All I Need To Get By" - Ive never heard this song. And im gonna keep it that way.

83 - Goldy and Creme, "Cry" - video-morphing. Care factor, negative 4 Billion.

82 - Def Leppard, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" - What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard. Actually, "Hysteria" was one of my first cassette tapes. This is one of those over-the-top concert videos where the band is acting like they are giving up every ounce of energy for their fans. Pathetic. Think about it this way, if you had to work for only two hours a night, do you think youd be half as dramatic as all these hair bands were in their videos during the 1980s, fuck no.

81 - Twisted Sister, "We're Not Gonna Take It" - The classic theme of children using music as a means to rebel against authority figures. All these videos have done is cheapen Pink Floyd's, "The Wall". I hope you are happy Dee Snider. Do you think during the 1980s that fans of Twisted Sister actually thought the band was worth the 7 bucks it cost to buy their cassette tape? I mean, they have got to be the 1980s version of Nickelback. A bunch of morons will buy their CDs and will one day wise up to the mistakes theyve made. And twenty years later Nickelback will be playing State Fairs....justice.

80 - The Cure, "Close To Me" - if you ever want to see Robert Smith from the Cure, go hang out at City Bar, hes a bouncer there now.

79 - Fionnna Apple, "Criminal" - this is a good song and Fionna Apple is fucking hot. This video is hot. the song is not good enough to be on my IPOD, but Id keep it on the radio if it came on. I think Fionna plays the role of a doped up porn star pretty well.

78 - Adam Ant, "Goody Two Shows" - hmmmm, no. Is it me, or was every male solo artist from Great Britian during the 1980s a flaming homosexual?

77 - Radiohead, "Fake Plastic Trees" - this is a brilliant song that is written so well. I beg all of you to download this song. Its so fucking beautiful. The song is just absolutely perfect. It is definitely one of my favorite songs of all time. It explodes from acoustic to electric at the appropriate time. The song is riding a crest of tension and then crashes into distortion. Absolutely perfect.

76 - DEVO, "Whip It" - look, I really dont see anything innovative about DEVO. I know that will upset a lot of people but I doubt that if DEVO never existed, music would be any different.

75 - Public Enemy, "Fight The Power" - how about this, if you are so fucking pissed off about your conditions, work to make them better. Dont take a millitant stance and blame everyone else. This video is full of guys wearing those t-shirts with Africa on it. Look, I dont see many people migrating back to Africa, so put your fucking emblems away. DL Hughley said it best, "All you motherfuckers that want to go back to Africa, knock yourself out, send me a postcard."

74 - C+C Music Factory, "Everyone Dance Now" - Jesus christ, are you kidding me? Seriously, this is crap. What is innovative about this song or that fucking video.

73 - Band Aid, "Do They Know Its Christmas?" - Boy George, Duran Duran, and George Michael sharing a microphone. Does it really get any better than this? I hope to God we dont kill each other with nuclear weapons and aliens land on this planet 4,000 years from now and find this video. I guess it really wont matter, theyll probably mistake Boy George for one of their own.

72 - Chemical Brothers, "Setting Sun" - Im not big into the whole dance beat-type deal. But its alright. I just never got into the whole idea of computers dictating music. Its my opinion that you can hear emotion and raw energy with each different chord being struck. You can hear the agony and despair in certain guitar lines which, inturn, complement the vocals. With the use of computers, you are getting this "perfect" beat which humans cannot mess up. Its just not pure. Its like Mad TV vs Saturday Night Live.

71 - MC Hammer, "Cant Touch This" - wow, what a groundbreaking song. The only thing this song did was give white kids the idea that they could be part of the rap scene. Thanks to MC Hammer we have Vanilla Ice and Eminem. Oh yeah, nice pants. I remember when that clown was on the Falcons sidelines back in the early 1990s. God, that reminds me that Jerry Glanville used to be our head football coach. Who the fuck made that call?

70 - New Order, "True Faith" - Do ever get pissed off that you werent around in the 1800s? Simply because you could create some theory that was pretty simple be deemed a genius. Like this video, this video has ruined a good song. I could have done a MUCH better job. The simple existence of this video leads me to believe anyone during the 1980s with an ounce of intelligence could direct a music video.

69 - Smashing Pumpkins, "1979" - this was a really good song and video. It reminds me of freshman year of high school. Which reminds me of Ms. Justice. God, I really hated her. She was so fucking stupid. The simple fact that shes a teacher in the public school system tempts me to put my children in private schools.

68 - Duran Duran, "Girls on Film" - I really hate Duran Duran.

67 - Don Henley, "Boys of Summer" - Fucking Canadiens. Jesus Christ. The Ataris covered this song this summer and it was played every other hour on 99x. The thing that bothers me about Don Henley is that he was in the Eagles, and they admit to being money-hungry whores. They vowed that they would get together when "Hell froze over"...or until twenty years later when you are all behind on your mortgage payments and they needed to pay for their kids rehab. They went on that re-union tour and thanked their fans for still supporting them by charging $200/ticket. Fucking thieves.

66 - Beatie Boys, "Fight For Your Right" - hmmm, Ive never liked this song. Mostly because dumb girls like this song and insist on singing it when it comes on at a bar. I really hate it when dumb girls get drunk and start singing. That song "Brown Eyed Girl" is another drunk-girl favorite. Please, spare me.

65 - Garbage, "Stupid Girl" - Shirley Manson was fucking hot. Whatever happened to this band. I think Im gonna go download this album. Butch Vig, (the drummer), was the guy who produced Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

64 - Beck, "Loser" - I love Beck. But I hate this song. I saw Beck at Big Day Out in 1996, and I became a huge fan. "Odelay" was a badass album.

63 - Tone Loc, "Wild Thing" - The only countdown this should be on is the worst songs ever written. Jesus Christ. Who constructed this list? First off, they are ripping off Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love"

62 - U2, "Where The Streets Have No Names" - alright the beautiful thing about this song is intro. Theres just a long build up into one bad ass song. Jesus I love this song. Why in the fuck do they have a guy named The Edge and another guy named Bono in their band? That fucking bothers me.

61 - Van Halen, "Right Now" - this is one of those videos at the time that everyone thought was so innovative and creative, but looking back on it...the song sucks and the video doesnt impress me that much. Too many stupid fucking phrases that keep popping up. Its like reading Chicken Soup for the 80s Hair Band That Is Trying to Blend in With the Hip-Alternative Crowd By Creating "Fresh" New Videos. And wasnt this the theme song for Clear Pepsi. The simple existance of Clear Pepsi should embarass the entire Western Civilization. I dont know, but im sure the French had something to do with all of this.

60 - 'Till Tuesday, "Voices Carry" - i hate 80s music. I really hate sappy fucking music to begin with. I think this song is about child abuse. If i heard this song, and I had a kid, I would start beating the shit out of him just to spite this fucking song.

59 - En Vogue, "Never Gonna Get It" - Hot black chicks that had one album and was never heard from again. Isnt it weird that there seems to be 4,000 boy bands, but proportionately, there arent near as many girl bands. The reason why is because girls, young and old, are idiots and love stupid, poorly-written songs about relationships. The simple existence of boy bands proves the continuing theory that girls are idiots.

58 - Daivd Bowie, "Ashes to Ashes" - this was one of those videos from the 80's where the director tried to make some shitty artistic statement. The video and song is absolute shit.

57 - Bjork, "Its Oh So Quiet" - if Bjork was hotter, shed be bigger. I mean, if Gwen Stefani sung this song, it would have been a hit for 24 straight weeks. The video is alright. Too much dancing. Im white, tall and skinny, therefore I cant dance.

56 - Metallica, "Enter Sandman" - I cant stand this Metallica song. The video sucks too.

55 - David Lee Roth, "Just A Gigilo" - How the fuck is this song even in the top 4,000? REM, 98. David Lee Roth, 55. This just explains further that monkeys program MTV and that Helen Keller could have done a better job ranking these videos.

54 - Marilyn Manson, "Beautiful People" -

53 - Madness, "Our House" -

52 - Lauyrn Hill, "Everything is Everything" -

51 - Golden Earring, "Twilight Zone" -

50 - Madonna, "Lucky Star" -

49 - Paula Abdul, "Straight Up" -

48 - Aerosmith, "Janie's Got A Gun" -

47 - Talking Heads, "Once In A Lifetime" -

46 - Fat Boy Slim, "Praise You" -

45 - Guns And Fucking Roses, "November Rain" -

44 - Janet Jackson, "Rhythm Nation" -

43 - ZZ Top, "Gimmie All Your Lovin'" -

42 - Alanis Morisette, "Ironic" -

41 - Bon Jovi, "Wanted Dead Or Alive" -

40 - TLC, "Waterfalls" -

39 - Cindi Lauper, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" -

38 - Metallica, "One" -

37 - Verve, "Bittersweet Symphony" -

36 - Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Give It Away" -

35 - Michael Jackson, "Billie Jean" -

34 - Sinead O'Connor, "Nothing Compares To You" -

33 - Van Halen, "Jump"

32 - Dr. Dre, "Nothing But A G'Thang" -

31 - Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams" -

30 - Korn, "Falling Away From Me" -

29 - Dire Straits, "Money For Nothing" -

28 - Herbie Hancock, "Rocket" -

27 - LL Cool J, "Momma Said Knock You Out" -

26 - Guns and FUCKING Roses, "Welcome to the Jungle" -

25 - The Cars, "You Might Think" -

24 - Jamiriquoi, "Virtual Insanity" -

23 - Notorius BIG, "Mo' Money, Mo Problems" -

22 - Blind Melon, "No Rain" -

21 - INXS, "Need You Tonight/Meditate" -

20 -

19 -

18 -

17 -

16 -

15 -

14 -

13 -

12 -

11 -

10 - Madonna, "Express Yourself" -

9 - Tupac, "California Love" -

8 - Robert Palmer, "Addicted To Love" -

7 - Beastie Boys, "Sabotage" -

6 - Guns and FUCKING Roses, "Sweet Child of Mine" -

5 - Aerosmith w/ RUN DMC, "Walk This Way" -

4 - Peter Gabriel, "Sledgehammer" -

3 - Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" -

2 - Madonna, "Vogue" -

1 - Micheal Jackson, "Thriller" -

2003-12-25T01:31:00.000-05:00

Further Proof That Pearl Jam Is 1,000,000 times better than any other band:

There is an article on www.pollstar.com, (http://www.pollstaronline.com/2003yearend20.asp), recapping the big tours of 2003. You should note that of the Top 20 tours of 2003, Pearl Jam had the cheapest average ticket. Furthermore, they are 7 bucks cheaper than DMB and 10 bucks cheaper than Phish. I guess those bands require more money from a larger fan base.

2003-12-24T20:45:00.000-05:00

Given that Im an insomniac, I find myself watching "Saved By The Bell" at 7am on TBS. First off, SBTB was innovative. Without SBTB there would be no American Pie. However once you set aside the groundbreaking scope of SBTB, the characters just make me want to vomit.

AC Slater is the definition of a fucking tool. Hes some meat-head who needs to learn how to fucking read. Oh and Kelli Kopowski, not near as hot as Winnie on the "Wonder Years". In fact Kelli Kopowski isnt 1/10 as good as Winnie.

Then there's Lisa. Lisa is the definition of a dumb whore. All she cares about is clothes. And shes such a fucking bitch to Screetch. The guy is trying to get a piece of that brown sugah and she wont have any part of it. However, if Screetch was a materialistic piece of shit like herself, shed be all about it.

Jesse. Jesse is alright. I watched Showgirls just to see her bizzies.

Zach is tired. I mean, any guy who has bleached hair is fucking tired. He's always using Screech for something. Thats bullshit.

Screech gets taken advantage of by everyone, and he never gets a piece of anything. Screech is funnier and 1,000xs smarter than those other jacklegs.

That whole entire cast, (sans Screech), belongs in the ICU unit. Thats how fucking comatosed they are. Even Mr. Belding needs to shut the fuck up. Hes trying to be all hip and cool with the students. KNOW YOUR ROLE!!! You are supposed to be the disciplinarian. Also, Mr Belding is always talking to the cast of SBTB. Do you ever see him in the halls talking to the extras? NO. You know why, cause hes a motherfucker.

2003-12-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

Austin Kucher, would you please do me a favor and play hopscotch on the interstate.

I go to the Mall of Georgia in order to complete my Christmas shopping, and see 400 high school-aged kids sporting the sideways Mesh hat. Im guessing this fashion trend is a seemingly closest homosexual tendancy to emulate the man of these young lads' dreams, Austin Kucher. The guy is banging Demi Moore, thats good for him. But I really dont want to see another pimple-faced kid with a sideways mesh hat on, it pisses me off.

Another thing, whats with all of these high-school whores? I just graduated 5 years ago, yet I get the impression that the local high school career counselor has been pitching a gig at the Pink Pony to these girls. Seriously, theres no way in hell my daughter will EVER, EVER wear some of the slutty shit I saw on thes girls tonight. And is it me, or are girls' tits getting bigger and bigger. It seems like every high school girl had straight BIZZIES. I mean, solid fucking BIZZIES. Filthy, stupid, crazy BIZZIES!!!!!

Oh yeah, Bobby Knight is a badass. This summer, the NCAA required attendance for basketball coaches at a seminar on ethics. When Bobby Knight didnt attend a reporter asked him why; responded Knight, "Listening to some of those people speak on ethics is like listening to Saddam Hussien speak on human rights." That shit is just funny.

Thats all Ive got for now.

2003-12-15T01:08:00.000-05:00

Fucking Kids

Kids these days are so fucking spoiled its not even funny. They have a lot more cool shit than we ever did. Examples: Nintendo vs Xbox, the Apple IIe vs Any computer. The minivans their parents drive and the ease of acces they have to porn.

Alright, Ive been obsessing over Madden 2004 and NCAA 2004, when I was in fourth grade, it was Tecmo Bowl. Super Mario doesnt hold up against Halo at all. Its bullshit. These fucking kids get these awesomes video games to play. And the only computer games we had was Number Munchers, the Oregon Trail, and Where in the World Is Carmen San Diego. We were conned into educational games. Fucking bullshit.

They also have the internet. I remember when Scott Klienkie found his dad's playboy and we thought we were in heaven for years. We looked at the same set of tits for a couple of years. Now, a kid can just search on the internet and find porn. Its bullshit. Its devalued the concept of porn. Its not sacred anymore.

And their parents drive mini-vans with little TVs and DVD players installed in the roof. Thats bullshit. You know what I had to endure as a 12 year old on road trips, the ABC game. The game where you try and find all the letters of the alphabet on billboard signs. Its fucking bullshit. Kids are so fucking spoiled. Oh yeah, and TV. Christ, I remember when basic cable was 20 channels....and there were only one or two premium movie channels. Now they get a couple of hundred. Its absolute bullshit. Im really pissed off at this because I had to play shitty video games, look at the same Playboy for years and play the ABC games on road-trip. I swear to God, if I had any of the shit they have, I wouldnt be so fucking angry all the time.

2003-11-25T03:48:00.000-05:00

Ive lasted as long as I can without really ragging on the Falcons.

First off, Im a season-ticket holder. I started in 1998 and I will continue to pay my money every year. I might not make it to all the games, but goddammit, its my ticket. My ticket is with three other guys. One of them is Bill Goldring. Bill is what I hope to be later in life. He's got a hot wife, two kids that I dont want to hit and he's been a season ticket holder since the mid-80s. Bill and I met when I was a cook at Chilis. Good times. My point is this, Im gonna be a Falcons fan for the rest of my life. In fact, I made a promise to myself that I now take the Falcons more seriously than UGA football.

The Falcons have reached a new point of suckness. Last week, we were up 20-3 AT New Orleans. And we lost, in Overtime. With four minutes to go in the game, we were in field goal range and could have sealed the deal as long as we didnt turn the ball over. In fact, I remember watching it on TV thinking, "Please dont turn this ball over". Within two plays, Kurt Kittner threw an interception. The thing is, we still had the lead....until New Orleans drove down the field, kick a field goal and sent it to Overtime. We eventually lost the game and I started to develop that paranoid complex. You know, the complex where you start thinking that everyone exists in order to screw with your head. You are as frustrated as the homeless guy who finally begs for enough change in order to get a value meal at Wendy's, he orders his double cheesburger with NO mayonaise, NO tomato, and NO pickle....then he takes a big bite out of this mouthwatering-burger...only to find out that the dumbass gave him EXTRA mayonaise, EXTRA tomato, EXTRA pickles. That feeling.

Regardless, the Falcons played this past week at home against the Titans. The Titans were 8-2, we were 2-8. However, theres just this sense of optomism where you think today just might be the day. The Falcons took a 21 - 0 lead. I couldnt help but stand up and clap and even let out a little yell. Since everyone around you is a season ticket holder, you get to know the people around your seats. We were all high-fiving and really thinking that this ship might get turned around. Everyone but Bill. Bill states, "All this means is that we are gonna lose 28-21." And, we knew. We knew it was true.

The game keeps going, and the Titans keep scoring. At halftime, Bill, adds, "Whats the point of winning anyway? It just means we are gonna get the 12th draft pick instead of the 1st or 2nd." Continuing on Bill's thought. Hes exactly right. If you arent in the top 5; does it really matter if you are drafting 7th or 15th?

Long story short, we lose. And we lose in a pathetic manner. One of those losses where you just look around at every other fans face and think, "Whats the point of living any more?"

Then youve got to deal with Dan Reeves' press conference. Let me go on record as saying this: I think Dan Reeves is an incredibly intelligent human being. In fact, there is no way that my knowledge of football is 1/1,000 of his. HOWEVER, 1) you cant run Warrick Dunn of the middle, 2) you cant run Warrick Dunn up the middle 5 times in a row, 3) if you cant run Warrick Dunn up the middle.....WHY THE FUCK DO YOU RUN TJ DUCKETT ON SWEEPS??? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I HATE IT. EVERY FUCKING PLAY IS A DRAW WITH DUNN UP THE MIDDLE. THEN TJ DUCKETT, THE BIG POWER BACK COMES IN, AND THEY RUN A SWEEP. ITS SIMPLE PLAYSTATION FOOTBALL.

And Dan Reeves' does his "jolly-gosh" routine. Jolly-gosh, I didnt realize we ran five draws in a row. Gosh darnit, I didnt realize Pearless Price only caught two balls this week... It goes on and on to the point where I just want to find some little kid in line to see Santa and tell him that is one big lie. Santa doesnt exist, get over.

2003-11-21T11:59:00.000-05:00

The only thing more pathetic than John Stamos' acting career is the state of American society. I never really figured out how shitty everything was until I watched "The Price is Right" today.

I used to be optomistic and think that if I was ever standed on the side of a road in a blizzard with a flat tire, someone would stop and help me out. However, after watching ass-hole after ass-hole screw their fellow man on the Price is Right, I know nothing in our society is sacred anymore.

Let me refresh your memory about the Price Is Right. Four auidence members get called down to the front and they all take turns guessing the price of an item. So you get someone bidding 900, 825, 700.....and then the asshole who guesses $901. By guessing $901, you pretty much eliminate one of your fellow contestants. Today, a new level of back-stabbing was reached; someone had guessed $1 and the very next person guessed $2.

Whats even better, is once that person wins, on account of stabbing someone else in the back, they start hugging the other contestants. If someone did that shit to me, and then tried to hug me, Id probably knee the motherfucker in the crotch...And once he bent over in pain, I'd kick him in the kidneys so that he would be pissing cranberry juice for months.

Goddamn, watching shit like this makes me want to move to Iraq.

2003-11-20T17:37:00.000-05:00

Say what you will, but Michael Jackson doesnt strike me as a child molester.

He strikes me as a serial child molester.

2003-11-13T01:54:00.000-05:00

I Like Associating Myself With Teams Who Make Fun of Native Americans

After weeks of recieving letter after letter from teams who would rather sell their only daughter into prostitution than give me a job, the Cleveland Indians sent me a letter notifying me that I am a candidate for a position within their Baseball Operations Department. Included in this letter was a questionaire they asked me to fill out in order to determine if I was worthy enough of any more attention. I got done filling it all out and sent it to Jamil in order to be proof-read. This is the revisions he made, it might be the funniest shit Ive ever read:

What is it about the professional baseball environment that makes a position in this setting attractive to you?

Because, I am a big baseball fan.

Describe your professional educational and relevant life experiences to date --- What have you learned? How have you acquired this knowledge? How do you learn best? What do you want to learn through a position in the professional baseball environment?

I got my GED equivalency from Oakwood Alternative School. My mom’s boyfriend used to take me to baseball games on the days I would skip school. It was fun because we would sneak beer in the game.

Identify and briefly comment about your baseball playing experience and how it can be incorporated into the position?
Well, I never played baseball. But, I have two balls, a bat, and a grassy field between my legs. I play down there all the time.

Identify and briefly comment about three books, or other documents, that have influenced your thinking and development in life to date?

I cant really read but the po-lice read to me all the time. Stories like, “you have the right to remain silent…” and “do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” Those books have really taught me how behave good.

What do you care about and why?

Why do I care about what? Where did this clown learn how to ask questions, geez?

What is your most memorable baseball experience?

Like I said, I never played baseball. But one time me and my dad where at a White Sox game and we ran on the field and kicked the coachs’ ass. I remember that pretty good.

2003-11-07T04:51:00.000-05:00

Im convinced that music reached its pinnacle during the mid-to-late 90's and has just fallen off the face of the earth. Heres my proof; while I grew up in high school with Radiohead, Pearl Jam and Oasis...kids these days have Three Doors Down, Nickelback and Creed. Seriosuly, Nickelback is a bunch of no-talent ass-clowns.

I am so fucking sick of hearing about the lead singer of Nickelback's dad beat-up his mom. Seriously, that prick should be thanking his father for giving him something to write about. Because, if you havent noticed, every fucking song they write has that underlying theme. If I hear another sob story from Nickelback about comming from a broken home, I might drive my car into a concrete wall. It gets real depressing to think about the future of music being 18,000 lame-ass songs by Nickelback about domestic violence.

And while Im bitching about Nickelback, im gonna throw the Strokes and every other wanna be Strokes band into the mix. Realize they spend time trying to look like they dont care about what they look like. What the fuck is up with that?

On the personal hygeine side of my life, Ive decided that im gonna try and grow a beard. So far, it is a real pathetic attempt. See, I didnt really want to grow a beard, but I just forgot to shave. And it really hurts to shave when you havent in a while; so fuck it. Its not like Im gonna get laid anytime soon anyways.

Id be remissed if I didnt talk about the Falcons. There, I brought them up, do with them what you please.

Im working on the equation at a furious pace and am getting more and more frustrated with it. The original equation was so simple and fruitful. Ive made this shit too complex that Im third-guessing my second-guesses. But come December 15, the show will begin. I havent decided if Im gonna email my picks out this year. I dont really like the pressure of my friends gambling based on my computer program.

And im pretty-much convinced the firestorm is never going to come. Teams are avoiding my economic ass like the plague. I would have had a better chance of getting an interview with an MLB team as I do getting off by stickng my dick in an electrical socket.

Thats all ive got for now, yes, im still sketch.

2003-10-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

Ive resigned to the fact that Im probably not going to get a real job anytime in the near future. Therefore, I need to find some source of income. After I was getting real lazy this evening, I thought I might need to go on down to Borders and buy that book about getting Free Money. You know, the commercials for it are always on real late at night. Its some fucking obnoxious jack-off with punctuation symbols all over his suit like hes the fucking Riddler or something.

Anyways, just when I was about to go to the car and buy this book, I remember the words of Eric Teusink. These words of wisdom were spoken during our Freshmen semester at around 5am one night at Creswell Hall during one of the aforementioned commercials, "I will never buy anything from someone with a big question mark on his suit."

So, I spent the next couple of hours thinking about the income problem once again. I've just decided Im going to be a personal think-tank. You know how they have the Heritage Foundation in DC? All they do is sit around and think of solutions for problems. Well, Ive got a feeling they are full of shit. I mean, if RJ Reynolds asks them to write about the negative side effects of cigarettes, I get the feeling that the Heritage Foundation will realize who is signing their check and write about how cancer tests are inconclusive. Therefore, RJ Reynolds can run around to the media and show a detailed report from the esteemed Heritage Foundation. Fucking fake ass-holes.

See, Im not really gonna have any customers, however Im gonna incorporate myself. Get some American Express credit cards for my corporation and go severly into debt. Then, when the bank comes knocking, I wont be personally liable. So, I wont need income for the next couple of weeks, I'll just be living off other peoples astounding interest payments.

Technically, If i just made my own company up, I could write everything off as a business expenses. I could pay myself a salary from my savings and actually end up getting money from the government. Theorhetically, I could go to the Pink Pony rack up huge bills and claim I was entertaining potential clients. This might be the best idea Ive ever come up with.

This and the NBA Equation, which is being perfected every hour I do more and more data analyzation. Seriously, my only other plans in the near future is to move to Biloxi, play poker and reap the benefits of the NBA Equation. Admitadely, its not really......alright Ive got to come back to this thought:

Earlier today, VH1 had "Return of the 80's Strikes Back", so I was watching it, I go to dinner, and come back and there is a special on Dale Earnhardt Jr. and NASCAR fans. Fucking dumb white trash. Fucking christ, people sit in the hot sun for five hours to watch cars turn left over and over again. The best thing is listening to someone try and justify their appreciation of this sport. Fucking christ, its not even sport. Anyways, somehow Three Doors Down was involved in this whole production. Those guys and Creed just need to go on the road together, they could call it the "Who Needs Talent When You Sound This Shitty And Idiots Buy Your Albums" Tour. Every fucking song Three Doors Down plays sound exactly the same.

Oh and while we are talking about talentless motherfuckers, Ashton Kucher needs to die. Seriously, just die. All of those teen-bop movie stars just need to do the world and favor and funnel a case of Liquid Drano. God, I just want to find these fucking movie producers and kick their ass for inundating us with this shit.

Alright, back to the fact that I live an immoral life. Yeah, I know, and I like it.

2003-10-21T16:33:00.000-04:00

Hey Doug, How Do You Spend Your Days...

Living in Dacula, GA, (with my parents, no doubt), is about as fun as taking my ball sack out, putting it on the counter and beating it repeatedly with a meat tenderizer. Alright, im lying, its a little worse than that.

So now that Im officially unemployed, I decide its time to start looking for a real job. Ive already sent out resumes to every MLB team, and all I get back are form letters telling me that Ive got a better chance of nailing Gwen Stefani then working for them. Its a pretty uplifting way to spend your days.

So I start sending out resumes to real jobs. And then I realize that they are gonna look at these resumes and just laugh. My work experience has been folding towels and hanging jock-straps. Its hard to explain to Bank of America that you want to be business analyst, yet you spent your whole college life consumed with determining equilibrium to the MLB labor market.

Its gotten so bad that Kinkos wont even give me a job. Fucking Kinkos. How hard can that job be? Christ, fuck me.

But its alright, economic theory has taught me two things, Poker and Baseball. If I cant get a job in baseball, I'll just have to work at poker. And at the very worse, I'll just make a couple of bets I cant cover and move to Montana to become a fly-fisherman.

Yeah, my life is great.

2003-10-21T16:06:00.000-04:00

Days of Thunder

What I love about Hollywood, is how they can take a script and change three or four aspects about the original script and make an entirely different movie that sucks just as much.

My case in point, Days of Thunder.

Alright, im gonna give you a quick summary of Top Gun and Days of Thunder; here goes:

Top Gun - Rebel pilot, Maverick (Tom Cruise), with best friend, Goose, defy all odds - participate in the Top Gun program - develop rivalry with other Top Gun participants - Maverick sets his sites on a female Flight Instructor who wouldnt give him the time of day to begin with, but then they start having mad sex - Goose dies - Flight Instructor convinces Maverick not to quit - Maverick moves on takes on the enemy Soviets, kills some commies and becomes best friends with former rival, Ice-Man.

Days of Thunder - Rebel Driver, Cole Trickle (Tom Cruise) becomes a NASCAR driver - defies all odds and becomes the best driver on the circuit - develops rivarly with Rowdy Burns - Cole and Rowdy get involved in a horrible wreck - Neurologist who works on Cole Trickle, Dr. Newieki (Nicole Kidman), resists Cole's advances but before you know it, they are having mad sex - Rowdy cant drive his car anymore, asks Cole to drive Daytona for him - Cole wins the Daytona 500, Rowdy and Cole are now best friends.

Even the cinematography is almost identical. Its fucking disgusting. What pisses me off, is that this shit makes money. I dont get it. Someone got paid to write a screen play for Days of Thunder. I mean, what the fuck? All he did was change a little of Top Gun around. Bullshit.

And Top Gun, the original, sucked. Cmon, how fucking obvious was the ending going to be? Why cant we have a war movie where the Soviets win, we become a socialist nation and Bill Gates starts whoring himself in order to support his drug habbit. That would be a good movie.

Its like Rap music. Puff Daddy is a millionaire hundreds of times over by ripping off other people's shit. I mean, cmon. Everyone fucking song Puff Daddy has produced has been with someone else's loop.

Theres no more creativity anywhere. People are so fucking scared of making something original because it might fail. Fuck it, Id rather fail on my own terms than one someone else's blueprint.

2003-10-20T19:46:00.000-04:00

Im Alive....and Back For Business (For Real This Time)

Alright, heres the deal; Im unemployed and living at home. That translates to my spending a lot of time sitting around trying to have meaningful conversation with my dog, Freckles. The posts are gonna be comming with a fury now. Ive got a whole notebook of things I want to write about, so you fuckers better watch out.

First off, I just got back from Vegas. Now, Vegas is always a good time, but since Im sure that my blood is genetically engineered to be that of a cocaine addict's, my story is a little convoluted. See, most people fly to Vegas. Not me, I was paid to drive Matt Franco's car out to Vegas. So, I decide it will take 30 hours and I'll just break it up in two days. Unfortunately my crackhead tendencies reared its ugly head and I decided to drive the entire trip straight through. Get this, I only stopped 6 times, and that was only for gas.

My masterplan was to leave at 3am early Tuesday morning and drive till midnight Tuesday night. So, I wake up Monday morning at around 8am, getting about 3 hours sleep. I figure that by doing this, I will go to sleep around 5pm Monday night and be real refreshed when I start my drive at 3am Tuesday morning. But see, I forgot to mention that Im a gambling addict. So Im sitting in my bed tossing and turning and end up getting virtually no sleep at all. I wake up and start driving.

By 9am, I was in Memphis. By 1pm, I was leaving Arkansas. Oklahoma took me three and half hours. Then I got to Texas. FUCK Texas. Texas took me forever because I got pulled over for speeding and failing to use my blinker to change lanes. The cop was a total asshole. He followed me for a good twenty minutes waiting for me to fuck up. He pulls me over and sees me all geeked up on Red Bull. I havent shaved in a good three or four days, and I claim to be driving a baseball player's car cross-country. Admitadely, he should have been suspicious, so he decides to start going through my luggage, thinking that Im smuggling drugs. Since Im an alcoholic, I have tons of hangover pills. I have this whole pill cocktail full of shit; electrolytes, vitamin C, calcium, etc.. The problem is that all of these pills are in an un-marked container; also, I have this stuff called Vitamin G. Players use Vitamin G which is basically speed. Its illegal in the United States. Im sure its considered an amphitamine. So, Im sitting in my front seet ready to just throw up all over myself. He asks about the pills, I tell them they are for hangovers and its over. He gives me a warning.

Then I just started driving. Like Forest Gump, I have no idea what the fuck I was doing. Before I knew it, I was in New Mexico, then Arizona, then Flagstaff. Now, the last four hours is all desert. ALL desert. Those were the longest four hours of my life. I kept hallucinating and thinking I was dreaming. I was so scared at one point that I pulled over and convinced myself that I wasnt asleep. However, VEGAS.....VEGAS. So I kept going.

A lot of people know of my fear of bridges that are high off the ground. Seriously, I cannot stand to go from 285 to 85. I get all nervous and see myself losing control of the car and falling 100 feet to my death. Its a great image, right up there with the thought of your parents having sex. Anyways, on Interstate 40 going to Vegas, you are going through these mountains. My depth perception was all fucked up and I ws trying to drive around these corners and just knowing that I was going to die. Not to mention, the bushes on the side of the road were starting to take the form of objects. I saw Pac-Man and Satan all within 5 miles. Satan was literally on the side of the road, not a good omen. Also, the shadows in the car start moving like the lips of the singer for whatever song was playing. I swear to you, I never want to do acid if that is what it is like. So Ive got my music on as loud as possible. The windows are down, the AC is blasted im just trying to make the last two hours. Its become a test of endurance.

Now, if you guys have ever been to Hoover Dam, youll appreciate the next part of this story. Hoover Dam is about 45 minutes out of Vegas. To one side of you is this huge lake, you are driving on top of the dam, and immediately to your left is about a 200 ft drop. Probably more than that. Go look for a picture on the internet. Anyways, I cant stand heights. Im trying to navigate this huge SUV around curves and then there is Hoover Dam. Fuck me. I hated every second I was near that thing. I was just waiting for my steering wheel to not turn and me go straight over the side of the Dam. Look, when you havent slept in a couple of days, you overreact.

Anyways, I make it to Vegas. And instead of going straight to sleep, Ive got to hit the tables. I end up gambling for three hours after I got there.

To sum it up, Im a fucking idiot who should be dead right now.

2003-08-23T22:59:00.000-04:00

I suppose an explanation is necessary…..

I havent posted since April for two very important reasons: work, and more importantly, I just didn’t feel like being Doug.

Let me explain the last part of that sentence. I used to fool around with my next-door neighbor at Abbey West. She was an alright girl. Anyways, she was used to me always being happy-go-lucky and even when I was mad, Id find some humor in it. Then, the Braves lost to the Diamondbacks in the 2001 NLCS. As people who are very close to me can attest, once the Braves lose, I pretty much go on suicide watch. It’s a real strange phenomenon. You put so much effort and thought into being the World Champions and you come up short. It crushes you. So, a couple of days after the Braves lost I was moping around and she said, (in a bitch tone), "What ever happened to the fun Doug."

And I lost it, I just remember saying something like, "Sometimes there's just no joke you can make that will make you feel better." About a week later she dumped me for a married guy, who was 30 and fat. And whose current wife only married him so shed become a legal immigrant. That was a great boost to my confidence.

Anyways, the weekend after John and his brother OD'd, my parents came to Athens to take me to dinner. You know, it was one of those appearances parents make with the hopes that you arent suicidal. So, Im at dinner with them and my cell phone goes off. It was JB. Now, I cant stand if when people answer their cell phone during dinner, so I just ignored the call. An hour later I got home, checked the message he'd left me and called him back. For the second time that week my stomach felt as empty as the New York Mets' playoff chances.

JB informed me that earlier that day Anna was killed in a car-wreck. I hurt terribly for JB, because I know how much he loved and admired her. I hadn’t been to a funeral my entire life, and within one week I went to two. I do remember, being at the burial site and watching JB almost the entire time. I was in complete admiration. The guy just had this look of determination. The look of someone who knew that he had to present himself in this manner for his the sake of his family and his own well-being. I was just in absolute awe that someone who could care for someone the same way that JB cared for Anna could keep that type of composure. That’s just how JB is, and that’s why I love the guy to death….he is the epitome of even-keel.

All of the while, I had my senior thesis and my the Braves internship hanging over my head. So, basically, it was just one hectic last month at UGA. The senior thesis ended up very well. The day the paper was due, I didn’t sleep for nearly 40 hours straight. I kept re-writing it over and over again. Not completely re-writing shit, but just enough so that I would stand in my shower cursing particular word choices and tones. However, the proudest moment of my life, to date, was when I walked from my car to Dr. Trandel's office and placed the thesis in his mailbox. I remember walking back to my car with a huge smile on my face thinking that I was done with school. My last hour would be the Braves internship and life would only get better for me.

Yeah right, my life seems to have more plot twists than the final season of the "Wonder Years". All winter, I was told by nearly everyone within the Braves organization that I was going to be their intern within the Baseball Operations department. Even during my interviews, they acted like they were just going through the motions. Then, I was informed that the Braves were not going to have an intern this summer. At first, they told me it was because of financial reasons. So I offered to work for free, just for the experience, then everyone within the organization passed the buck onto someone else as to why I couldn’t work in the Operations Department. The reason, from what I can gather from people who know my story, is that it comes down to my association with Bobby Cox.

Apparently, because I had the blessings of Bobby Cox, they didn’t want me. Because it would represent a conflict of interest. Nevermind that the person with the final say in this manner decided to draft his son, (who was a bench player at Auburn), in the 8th round of the baseball draft…that wasn’t a conflict of interest. Nevermind the fact that I had told the Pittsburgh Pirates that I couldn’t take an internship with their staff because I was working for the Braves. Nevermind the fact that I have spent five years with an organization and all I needed was just one chance. That one chance represented a conflict of interest. Admittedly, Im bitter about the entire situation. I don’t respect people that I used to respect. In fact, I get so nauseated when I look at some people that I want to tell them how full of shit they are. The only way I can do that, is to go somewhere else, and beat the Braves. And I will. I want to be the GM who brings the entire Atlanta organization to its knees and crumbles to the ground in mound of rubble just because of one persons disrespect for not only me, but for one of the greatest manager in the history of the game. If Bobby Cox wasn’t the manager of the Braves, we wouldn’t be in the playoffs every year. And when the Braves end up losing 12 million over the next two years, you can blame one person, and its not Bobby Cox.

So Ive spent the entire summer in the clubhouse. Working noon to midnight…tap on an hour and half round-trip commute and I really don’t have much time for anything else.

However, my life is going back to normalcy, and with this phenomenom, the posts continue…..so, believe me on this, you can start coming back, its safe. Hopefully this will be the last serious post in a while. Im just starting to find my demented sense of humor again. And with this re-discovery comes the obnoxious posts.

2003-06-30T20:40:00.000-04:00

Hey, Im Back

Give me a couple of weeks and Ill have some new material. Ive just been busy as fuck lately.

2003-04-11T14:45:00.000-04:00

Thankfully, It Wasnt Suicide

It feels weird to write that, but according to an article in the Red and Black, John and Zach just died as an accident. It makes me feel better, in the sense that at least it wasnt intentional. However, it is stupid. Its fucking senseless and stupid. Drugs are the biggest waste of time ever. They are so fucking stupid. Their lives had all this potential and they fucked it all up.

2003-04-09T03:49:00.000-04:00

Happiness is Athens in My Rearviewmirror

Hopefully, this will be the last I write about this for a while. The whole week just reminds me of the week of 9/11/01. As in, after all that shit happened....this dumb bitch couldnt understand why I was sad. She kept saying shit like, "What happened to the fun Doug." Dumb. Sometimes, there's just no reason to be happy. Sometimes shit goes bad and you cant make a joke out of it.

Anyways, I was in this surreal state at the funreal. I really cant remember that much of it. What I remember is that my mind wandered throughout the entire service. Just trying to think about what had happened. Trying to figure it all out. Obviously, no one can figure it out....but, nevertheless, I try. I tried working on my senior paper and just couldnt do it. I kept thinking and wondering. I know I should try and stop holding it all in. I mean, Im trying to write in order to get it out. But its tough. I dont believe in God. I dont understand how this is supposed to teach me anything about spirituality. And I know a lot of people are there for me to talk to. But I like to do this stuff on my own. I just try and figure it out for myself. Its stubborn, and its probably not healthy, but thats how it is.

I feel horrible for the parents. His father got up at the cementary and said, "I have three gifts in my life...my wife and my two sons." That just through a sledge-hammer into my gut. Theres not a day that will go by for the rest of my life where I wont think about these 48 hours. I can only imagine what the parents are going through and what they will go through.

They just could never escape the power of addiction. Ive got addictive habits and I know how tough they are too break. You never really lose the motivation to do certain things, you just suppress it. I used to like to drink all the time. I dont really do that much anymore. Too many days waking up realizing what I did the night before through third-hand accounts.

This just kind of solidifies my desire to get the fuck out of Athens. Im just sick of it all. There just hasnt been that much to be happy about the last couple of years. Theres that country song where the singer says, "Happiness is Lubbock in my rearviewmirror". I just fell the same. Im ready to move on. Theres just too much scar tissue in Athens. Too many people that flaked out.

2003-04-08T01:47:00.000-04:00

I am going to my first funreal in around 9 hours. I dont know what to think. Its a weird feeling. Ive never known anyone personally who has died. Its just an awkward feeling. Theres just this thing in your stomach where no more than 30 seconds pass before you remember that John and Zach arent around anymore. I know it hasnt hit me yet. I just keep thinking about how painful their lives must have been these past few weeks. I cant keep thinking about their last night either.

What must it feel like to know you are going to die within minutes? What goes through your head?

Music is what I use to get me through shit. Thats why I know John must have listened to music. I know he listened to "I Got Shit". Why couldnt he have listened to "I am Mine"? On the way home from Lexington...at like 3am, John and I were talking about that line..."i know that i was born and i know that I'll die; the in between is mine.....I am mine".

That was Pearl Jam's whole deal....yeah shit gets tough, but things will get better....you control your own destiny. It just pains me to think that John gave up on all of that. It just sucks. Cause John had ambition. He wanted to manage bands. That was one of our favorite topics. He wanted to find the next Pearl Jam and guide them on a path of world domination....and I wanted to do the same with a baseball organization.

John spent night after night this summer helping me with my MLB revenue-sharing plan. John saw Lewis Black with me. John went to the NCAA tournament in Greensboro with me in 2001. John would leave on a moments notice to go gambling. John was a friend. And in the time when he needed a friend most, I didnt do shit. I know I probably couldnt have prevented anything. But it just hurts to think I could have put forth minimal effort, and I didnt.

I have no idea of the specifics from that night. But I just think about him sitting there, with his brother, both feeling as if no one cares about them at all. And deciding, this is it....this is something they have to do. I can picture it in my head and it makes me sick. Both of them, just giving up.

There's just this mental image of everything. He had to be listening to music, thats just John. I know it was Pearl Jam. And Im sure it was "I Got Shit"; I know because weve talked about how great that song is. Now thinking about the lyrics makes me want to vommit. I wish it had been "I Am Mine"; instead, it was "I Got Shit".

I dont know what will happen tomorrow. I havent slept much at all the last couple of days....I just keep thinking about those last moments. I cant sleep right now, and Im exhausted. Its nerve racking.

2003-04-07T00:30:00.000-04:00

Alright, this is going to be long.....

Many of you have met one of my former roommates, John Adams. John Adams and his brother Zach were found early Saturday morning dead due to drug overdoses. Knowing John and Zach's specific situations, Im pretty confident this wasn't an accidental drug overdose. And for that reason, I just feel sick to my stomach.

John and Zach have been in and out of rehab since they were in high school. I met John freshman year at Creswell. He was a likeable guy. He was also older, therefore he could buy us liquor. Jaron and I moved in with John at the beginning of last fall semester (2001). John had been clean since his last bought with rehab. The thing that impressed me over and over again was how John would never fall off the wagon. He would baby-sit my drunk ass all the time and never take a sip of my drinks. In fact, the last time I remember John sober was when we went to Lexington, KY in November of 2002. We went for the UGA/UK game. As normal, Jaron and I got blitzed and tried to fight an entire bar, while John saved our asses.

That night, John was with his ex-drug buddies. They were all teasing him about being the "sober" one. After that weekend, shit went downhill. Right afterwards, I noticed John was drinking some of my beer. Then, we started smelling weed in our apartment. At that time, I thought it might be good to talk to John. I sat down with John and told him that I was concerned and cared about him....and if he wanted, I would take all of the liquor out of our apartment and it would never make an appearance again. John basically blew me off. He had good reasons....why the fuck should some guy who is always getting drunk, start lecturing him about the vices of consumption. A week later, he was tripping acid watching the Matrix. Jaron and I debated calling his parents.....but who the fuck are we? He's 25. It just didn't feel right to call someone's parents and tell them their child was a junkie again.

Thats when things got touchy. Basically, John moved out in late December. There's a lot of other shit that happened, but its not relevant.

We knew John was in bad shape. A week before spring break he came over and told us how he was bi-polar and a bunch of other shit. We also knew that he had progressed to harder drugs.

Pearl Jam was the common bond John and I had. John got through rehab listening to the album, "No Code". I got through a tough period in my life listening to "No Code." The album deals with vulnerability. Its just an album that expresses so much emotion. Most people hate this Pearl Jam album. But if you can relate to the lyrics, you literally find yourself ready to cry throughout the album. Its that fucking powerful. John and I, loved it. We would quote lyric after lyric:

"What's got the whole world faking?" - Mankind

"Makes more sense to live in the present tense" - Present Tense

"Sometimes i cringe, Sometimes i live" - Sometimes

"You are who, who you are" - Who You Are

"Wave to all my friends, yeah
they don't seem to notice me, no" - Up In My Tree

"Said he'll see me on the flip side
On this trip he's taken for a ride
He's been takin' too much on
There he goes with his perfectly unkept hope
There he goes" - Off He Goes

"See it happen to a couple of friends
See it happen and the message it sends
Takin off for what's an obvious fall
Just to see what all the fuss is about" - Habit

"I was bitten
Must have been the devil
He was just payin' me a little visit
Oh, reminding me of his presence Lettin' me know he's waiting" - Red Mosquito

"If I had known then, what I know right now" - Red Mosquito

These were the lyrics to the songs that have shaped my view of the world. Reading over them, Im physically nauseated thinking about it all. We spent so many nights talking about how great that album was; depression, drug addiction, self-affirmation, moving on….that’s all what the album is about.

I guess I feel bad that I could have provided John was support. It might not have been the best support, but I could fall back on "No Code." Instead, I just wished it would go away. I just WISHED he would clean up. That’s so fucking naïve thinking about it right now. You WISH for a fucking World Series ring. You don’t fucking WISH for someone you care about to clean their life up.

It just frustrates me. John's parents have lost both of their children to fucking drugs. FUCKING DRUGS. You know how fucking stupid that is to write???? Your fucking kid is dead because of DRUGS. Not because they died of cancer or a car wreck. Because they hated their existence so much, they got as high as possible and OD'd. FUCK.

I hurt because I cant even imagine how horrible John and Zach's life were before they ended it. I used to think of suicide as a coward's way out. However, think about it. Your life is so meaningless and full of blackness, that you would want to end it all. You have absolutely no feeling of happiness anywhere in your body.

I just don’t know what to think besides frustration. Ive already turned "No Code" off. I cant listen to it anymore. Im not sad yet, Im just frustrated. I don’t think it has hit me yet. I just know that Im frustrated about all of it. And that’s all I can think about right now.

2003-04-03T13:31:00.000-05:00

A Guest Rant From JB (via e-mail)

Sorry to vent on you like this doug, but I don't have my own weblog to get these thoughts out of my head. Hope the thesis is going well. Go 'Stros, Go Braves.

Your boy lost it...

http://rockymountainnews.com/drmn/music/article/0,1299,DRMN_54_1860334,00.htm

Lets get one thing straight. You pay to see/hear a band play their music, and not to listen to their political beliefs. Unless the band's political beliefs are the main reason the vast majority of fans listen to their music. I can hardly think of any bands this applies to except for some really obscure ones. The reason being is that a band should do its best during a show to cater to its fans, not to isolate them. If they've got something they want to say that's great, but the stage is not the place for it.

On a side note I think Vedder shows the true heart of the anti-war crowd in America. Its the anti-Bush crowd. I think a lot of die hard liberals still think Bush somehow stole the election and didn't actually win Florida. When in fact every recount, official and private, shows that Bush was the clear winner. If Gore had been elected and decided to do this we wouldn't be seeing as much of this anti-war crowd, and Dashcle and Kerry wouldn't be so quick to speak against the president. I also find that much of Bush's criticism stems from name-calling and hearsay aside from actual facts. All these idiot celebs that use the words uni-lateral and cowboy have no proof to validate their acuzations. This thing has been 12 years in the making, and we have a 30+ nation coalition backing us. Believe me the president is not doing this in the interest of oil or political egotism.

Look what its costing us at home. His tax cut plan is already getting cut back (bastard moderate republicans), the cost of the war itself is putting us into further debt, and the economy is still lull. If I hear one more idiot say 'No blood for oil' I might break them. If it were truely all for the oil we'd be in Venezuala right now helping those people over throw Ceaser Chavez and getting our paws in their vast oil industry. Hell we could invade Canada and Mexico take over their oil reserves. Better yet we could just take over Kuwait. We're already there. Anyone who thinks we're hijacking their oil fields for our own personal benifit has an alternative agenda in opposing this war or they're just horribly mis-informed.

Another thing, Vedder tells a story from a concerned Vietnam vet about this war obviously implying that the situation in Iraq might turn into a similar conflict. What could be further from the truth I don't know. We're in day 15 of this operation and already we've got more than 40% of the country under our control. We have a clear three pronged Military objective: regime change, disarmorment, and liberation of the Iraqi people. Vietnam was a mess, and we let politics get in the way of taking care of the job. We lacked direction in the offensive, and constant guerilla fighting killed the troop morale. Also opposition to that war on the homefront was much more fierce than this one.

Later,
~JB

2003-03-31T03:29:00.000-05:00

My girlfriend has returned.

Opening Day is tomorrow. The greatest day of all days. I cant think of anything better than Opening Day. I think we are gonna be alright this year. I mean, we didnt really get better, but we didnt really get worse either. Philadelphia is alright, but I think they are too young. The Mets, they can go fuck off. I've never said a good word about them and Im not about to start.

I am almost done with my thesis. Oh boy, that was a good one. Im going to have to stop typing because my sides are hurting so much. The thesis has just hit this void. Its hard to explain.

My fantasy baseball team is going to absolutely dominate this year. People from all over the land will be hearing about the talent assembled on this jaugernaut.

I really need to go to sleep, but like a kid on Christmas Eve, I cant.

2003-03-24T16:29:00.000-05:00

I think the best part about being on campus this week is seeing girls who went to the beach for spring break and are just one big walking skin cancer tumor.

2003-03-23T23:22:00.000-05:00

Disappointment

Disappointment is learning that one of the people you most respect does something incredibly stupid. For those of you who dont know, I love(d) Michael Moore. Moore is a documentary-maker/author/political humorist. Tonight he won an Oscar for his documentary, "Bowling For Columbine", and decided to make a political moment out of it.

"...we live in fictitious times.... We have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons. We are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you, Mr. Bush, shame on you."

See, its one thing if Tom Cruise got up there and said that, cause hes probably a fucking un-informed idiot. What disappoints me is the fact that I KNOW Michael Moore is fucking smart. Ive seen his work. Im a big fan of his work. I just dont understand how someone that intelligent can be so short-sighted. Again, if you dont like the idea of the war, thats fine. However, its another thing to protest it. Seriously, it just shows a lack of respect for the men and women of our country who are risking their lives for a nation to experience what we take for granted, freedom.

2003-03-23T19:54:00.000-05:00

FURY

IF YOU ARE SOME ANTI-WAR HIPPIE.....GO FUCK YOURSELF.

IF YOU SPENT YOUR WHOLE WEEKEND AT THE ARCHES WITH DUMBASS SIGNS AND YOUR ACOUSTIC FUCKING GUITAR.....I HOPE YOUR GRANDMOTHER DIES TONIGHT.

Those fuckers are extremely lucky Im working non-stop on my senior thesis. I swear to God. Im sick of naive fucking rich kids who came to college and started trying to act like these intellectuals with a purpose. You know what those fuckers are doing right now, they are protesting. You know what you cant do in Iraq....PROTEST!!!! You know why, because if you do, you will be killed. Its simple. I cant even comprehend how these hippies justify these protests. One of those fuckers had a sign that read, "Stop the Killing in Iraq" and another one's said, "Let the People in Iraq Live".

Cock-face, let me explain something to you. The killing of innocent people has been going on for quite a while over there in Iraq. Im certain that less innocent people have died due to foreign action than Saddam has killed during his reign of terror.

These protesters are implying that theyd rather have a country full of starved people who are ruled over by a violent dictator then any Coalition action. What the fuck is wrong with you???? Seriously, the people in Iraq have a miserable existence. They are all starving....you know whose not starving? Saddam Hussien. That fucker is building billion-dollar palaces and blaming the western world on his people starving. The remarkable aspect is that I think more people in America believe Saddam than in his own country. The dumb-ass hippies need to get a fucking clue.

Seriously, during CNN's coverage late last night, Aaron Brown made a very good point, (regarding the protesting)...this is paraphrased, by the way. He stated that he used to protest the Vietnam war, and whenever he thinks about that time period in his life, he is physically sick. He was some twenty year old kid who had no concept of reality.

It almost brings me to tears, no lie. There are people our age who are DYING....just so the people in Iraq will one day have the opprotunity to experience FREEDOM. The freedom these fuckers are taking for granted. We dont know what its like. We dont understand the fact that if you talk bad about Saddam, and it gets back to Saddam....you and your family is going to die. These arent conspiracy theories, its documented human rights violations.

Again, there are people DYING...and you are sitting around with a fucking candle. Fuck you. Seriously, that just shows absolutely no fucking respect or class. Im dead serious, if you are one of those people, I dont ever want to talk to you again until you realize how fucking naive you are.

2003-03-15T09:53:00.000-05:00

I know I have written about this before....but Pearl Jam's, "I Got Shit", is one bad-ass fucking song.

2003-03-12T06:59:00.000-05:00

JESUS CHRIST!!!!!

....the current state of music. Look, I know music isnt the end all to life. However, does it not upset you that artists like Nelly, Eminem, NSync, Britnney Spears, Limp Bizkit, etc.... are the most popular acts around?

They dont deliver a message. To me, music is supposed to be a spiritual experience where you digest a form of artwork and appreciate it on a different level. Bands like Coldplay, REM, Peal Jam, Oasis....bands that have a message.

"Dont be fooled by the rocks that I got, Im still Jenny from the Block"

"I did it all for the nookie"

My personal favorite: "Its getting hot in here, so take off all of your clothes"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Thats the statement of our generation. Shit music. Music that just gets absorbed by all the monkeys who watch TRL. Which brings me to MTV. MTV SUCKS. Theres no doubt about this anymore. MTV has some good shit, but their music programming.....no. I think MTV realized this four or five years ago when they launched MTV2. The original idea was, "Alright, we only play shit now....lets put meaningful music on another channel". Great, awesome. I discovered Granddaddy, And You Will Know Us By A Trail of Dead, and even Coldplay on MTV2. So this really upsets me.....

THE ONLY FUCKING THING THEY PLAY ON MTV2 ANYMORE IS ABSOLUTE SHIT!!!!! Six months ago, everything was A-ok. Now, its fucking crap. I cant stand it anymore. It should be renamed, MTV2/JAMS...cause I dont see any good bands anymore. Its always Fat Joe and Ja Rule. Then the times they do play "rock" music, they think they are cutting edge because they fucking play Good Charlotte. Let me explain something to you, if Good Charlotte was 1/1,000 as tough as they want you to believe, I'd respect them. Their new video is just full of their "friends". Who look like models paid to dress up like "alterna-punks", FUCK THAT. At Coldplay a week ago, these girls dressed up to look all hard. Cmon, cut the crap. Not only does the video make me want to vomit...the fucking song is worse. God, its good that I dont have a gun...cause I think I would have shot my TV by now.

2003-03-12T06:32:00.000-05:00

You know whats great, the word tension.

Think about that word...it says/describes so many things. It implies nervousness, stress, anticipation, release, pressure, agony, etc..

Tension walks hand and hand with my other love, conflict.

Conflict is beautiful. I love antagnoistic situations. I love head-to-head competition. I love getting an assignment and thinking to myself, "I am going to write the greatest senior thesis to ever be submitted to UGA." I agonize over sentence structure just to have conflicting thoughts in my head. I like reading something I have just written and debating it over and over again in my head. I love the concept of conflict. Conflict brings about change. Not in some Marxist way. Just the idea that conflict involves opposing forces on the same object. Thus, these simple forces neccessitate movement in one direction or the other.

Conflict is what gets my adrenaline running. Conflict is the 12-hour crunch time before an exam where you deprive yourself from sleep with the sole goal of kicking the shit out of the test. The idea that you know once you leave that room, you will walk to your car with a smile on your face because you know that you bent that test over. Victory is the resultant of conflict. Victory IS happiness. Theres no implication of happiness. Happiness IS victory.

Then again, at the same time, defeat is the other resultant of conflict. I think the most defining time in my life in the the last year or so was the day after the Braves lost in the playoffs. For eight months out of your life you dream of winning it all. You watch every game with one goal in mind. Obviously, things didnt work out. And it fucking hurt, goddamn did it hurt. Robbie Allen, Jamil and Kevin can testify to how much it hurt. Not sleeping in three days, having one of your dreams blow up in your face with one inning is absolutely devastiting. But, it reminds you why you are alive. It reminds you why you want to live. It increases the hunger.

Tension, Conflict and Passion are what life is all about. Its alright to get pissed off. Its alright to want something more than nearly life itself. Its alright because we are supposed to feel these emotions. Life encompasses these emotions....if you dont feel these emotions, you might as well be dead.

Will I die early in life, probably. I know the heart isnt supposed to be dropped to the bottom of your stomach, thrown up, only to be picked up off the ground and stuffed back into your rib-cage again...but thats the only way I know how to do things. And in a sick way, its what makes me happy.

2003-03-12T06:08:00.000-05:00

An Ode To Jamil Mamdani:

For those of you who dont know, Jamil/Osama/Sadam, is one of my best friends and roommate. Jamil moved in at the begining of this semester. This little entry is all about Jamil.

Jamil is another one of my surrogate fathers. Jamil complains about my sleeping pattern, the cleanliness of my room, how many hours I work, my class attendance....basically, anything a father would bitch about, Jamil does.

Jamil also doesnt really have the same respect for sleep that I do. See, I like to sleep. Sleeping is fun. I love sleep. I sometimes sleep 18 hours a day, just because its that fucking fun. Jamil doesnt let me do this. Jamil will stand at my door and knock. Not just a couple taps....strong, repititive, ryhthmic knocks that just drive you crazy. Im serious, if he keeps doing that shit...Im gonna get one of those electronic fences installed outside my door. And im gonna put one of those collars on him..and when he comes to my door....ZAP!!!

Speaking of being electrocuted....on my 21st bday...while my head is in his toilet.....Jamil takes his stun gun out and stuns me on the arm...to, "Make sure I was still alive". Think about that, you are already throwing up everything but your actual stomach....and your asshole friend shocks the hell out of you.

Jamil also comes into my room at 1am in and proceeds to turn my TV off MTV2 and onto Cinnemax...so he can see some T&A. Now, Im all for T&A...but is it really necessary to come into my room and sit on my bed and try to get me to watch soft-core porn with him?

Jamil also has a thing for the crack-whore that lives below us. Some of you have met the crack-whore. I took her on a couple of dates, but things just didnt work out. Anyways.....Jamil, not only refers to her as "Whore of Crack", he is always on the look-out for her.

Thats another thing Osama does, instead of Coldplay, its "Play of Cold". They arent blue jeans, they are "jeans which happen to be blue". That shit is addicting....I find myself saying shit like that now. Oh, heres the best....its not "Swiss Cake Rolls", it's "Rolls of Cake From Switzerland".

Jamil worked in the clubhouse with me. Jamil also has a tattoo. A NEW YORK YANKEES tattoo. It gets better, Jamil used to throw batting practice and get cortizone shots. The fucking bat boy was getting cortizone shots. Thats fucking comedy.

I guess the thing I respect the most about Sadam, is how he constantly preaches about the book "Millionaire Next Door". Its like he's been brainwashed by Clark Howard. To piss him off, I throw away pennies. It really pisses him off. We will be at Wendy's and ill get back four pennies and just throw them out the window...and he contemplates getting out of the car to ge them.

Jamil also has this love for movies made in the 1980s. Not good movies like Star Wars....shitty movies. And Osama has almost every line from the shittiest movie of all time memorized, "Dragnet". Ive only seen 5 minutes of it. But in the 3 months he has lived here, Im sure ive heard the entire script 18 times.

All in all, besides the fact that his Uncle is a terrorist....and that he has a time-share in the Tora Bora mountains.....and that he's always on Orbitz.com looking for "deals".....and that the FBI has been staking out our apartment......and that the Department for Homeland Security has inhabited the adjoining apartment.....and that any day now Im going to be arrested for harboring a fugitive, hes a good guy.

2003-03-10T07:41:00.000-05:00

And the Theory Comes Full Circle:

After spending the entire weekend working on my senior thesis for the economics department, the theory has come full circle. This is the summary of my thesis:

Summary

Beginning in 1995, Major League Baseball embarked on a path blanketed in the facade of increased on-field competition through the advent of local revenue sharing. Major League Baseball created a mechanism, whereby local revenue was to be funneled from the large-market organizations to the small-market organizations. By doing this, Major League Baseball created a situation where teams falling below the industry average in total revenue were subsidized through the local revenue of organizations whose total revenue was above the industry average. Organizations, realizing poor on-field performance could be parlayed into revenue sharing checks, opted to dump players in hopes of poor on-field performance. This inferior performance would deter fans away from the organization, slow revenue into the organization, and successfully dip total revenue below the industry average. Therefore, in a sport under the premise of incentive-laden competition, organizations now have an economic incentive to lose.

In 2002, with the National Football League's revenue sharing structure as it's ultimate goal, Major League Baseball decided to increase the amount of revenue shared. This purpose of this increased revenue sharing was to improve league financial stability and improve competitive balance. This increase in revenue sharing had to be agreed upon by the Major League Baseball Player Association and was the main hurdle during the Collective Bargaining negotiations of 2002.

With a Public Relations campaigned geared towards entrapping public sentiment on the side of the owners, Major League Baseball fought for increased revenue sharing as a way to cure the inequality between the large and small-market franchises. It was MLB's continued assertion that this spread between the markets resulted in a lack of competitive balance. This strategy was indeed a success. "In a poll commissioned for MLB by the firm of Penn, Schoen and Berland, 75% of fans believe there is a lack of competitive balance in baseball."

In the paper, "The Sport's League's Dilemma: Competitive Balance vs Incentives to Win" by Federic Palomino and Luca Rigotti, the author's argue that revenue sharing will increase future demand for the league but will hurt current demand for the league. Furthermore, if the fans of the league perceive competitive balance to be a problem, then the league should increase the amount of revenue shared in order to create additional demand. Conversely, if fans do not perceive competitive balance to be a problem, no revenue should be shared. The simple fact that MLB made competitive balance an issue forced the union into adopting increased revenue sharing.

However, does competitive imbalance actually exist within Major League Baseball? The answer is a resounding no. Perceived competitive imbalance exists. Major League Baseball operates in an environment where only 8 out of 30 teams make the playoffs. Therefore, for the fans of the remaining 22 teams, their season is a failure. Empirical evidence has shown that "There can be little doubt that competitive balance, whether measured by the distribution of team winning percentages within a single season or by the correlation of team winning percentages across seasons, has improved over time in Major League Baseball" (Butler 47). Furthermore, "Since 1996…Major League Baseball has seen 18 of 30 teams in the playoffs….MLB has had 7 different teams compete in the World Series, the NFL and NBA has both seen 8 different teams in their finals" (Barra).

So if competitive balance actually exists, why did Major League Baseball decide to increase revenue sharing. Simply to improve financial stability. Revenue sharing decreases the marginal revenue production attributed to a player's salary. In an absence of revenue sharing, a franchise has exclusive use of the revenue's generated through a player's performance. Through superior on-field performance a player improves team won/loss records. Under the assumption that teams with better won/loss records generate greater revenue than teams with inferior won/loss records, not only are players improving their respective team's revenue stream, they are hurting their opponents.

This analysis is skewered with the introduction of revenue sharing. Revenue sharing effectively pools the entire league revenue. Therefore, whereas the Braves would have been the sole beneficiary of any marginal revenue generated by a player, now, 29 other teams have a 34% stake in that revenue. The marginal revenue production of a player is effectively diminished. Therefore player's salaries start to decrease. Given that player costs are the main expense of a baseball franchise, the reduction of player salaries coupled with increased demand due to perceived changes in competitive balance results in profits for the owners.

It is true that marginal revenues products for players are not uniform among all 30 teams. This is due to the variance of market structure. Due to the fact that Kansas City will never have the television contract of the New York Yankees, the marginal revenue product of a Royals player is smaller than a Yankees player. Therefore, some stability in marginal revenue product allocation will result due to revenue sharing.

Also included in the 2002 Collective Bargaining agreement was a luxury tax. Major League Baseball adopted a luxury tax on portions of payrolls over certain limits. The proceeds of this tax will be distributed back in an extremely unique manner. The simple fact that no proceeds from the luxury tax will be distributed to teams falling below the average industry revenue level does lessen the incentive to field losing teams. However, the argument remains that this tax was created to further increase the marginal cost of a player above their already lowered marginal revenue, and thus, lower their wage rate.

The disincentives of certain franchises to win can be proven through the free agent class of 2002. Major League Baseball designates free agents in either A,B,C, or D categories. This letter designation is based on their statistical importance within their free agent class. Each letter designates compensation the new team must provide to the former team. The chronic "disincentized" franchises continued to not spend any money on free agents. Through showing specific player movement as it relates to their importance within their free agent class as well as where they moved to, the disincentive to win can be demonstrated.

Increased revenue sharing, coupled with a luxury tax will lower a players wages. Additionally, the absence of a minimum salary floor almost guarantees a disincentive to field competitive teams.

My goal for this paper is to demonstrate that Major League Baseball, is potentially on a path of economic ruin. Revenue sharing was simply created to drive player salaries down. Under the façade of a lack of competitive balance existing within Major League Baseball, it's officials intentionally misled the public into demanding increased revenue sharing. Furthermore, without the creation of a salary floor, the disincentives within the revenue sharing structure will only continue the current trend of "disincentized" franchises to field a minimal team in order to capture an even larger revenue check every year. In the inevitable future when the public sees no difference in on-field results, their support of Major League Baseball will diminish.

2003-03-07T01:06:00.000-05:00

Im sorry.....With All Due Respect To Coldplay:

Look, there is no doubt, Coldplay is the best new band of the last 5 years....easily, hands down. There is one slight problem I have with Coldplay. And that is there stance on the global economy. I am not attempting to sound like a harsh, ass-hole, motherfucker....but here's the deal. I dont write songs, because I cant. Therefore, I dont want song writers preaching to me about economic policy.

For those of you who have seen Coldplay live, they have "www.MakeTradeFair.com" everywhere they possibly can. Its bullshit. Let me explain something about global economics....its all relative to opprotunity costs.

Opprotunity cost is defined as this: the cost of the best alternative to what you are doing right now. For example, my little brother, Patrick, is a computer genius.....the kid knows his shit. This summer he could have dropped out of school and made 80,000/year or stayed in school and spent 5,000+ on tuitution. Fuck that, you take the 80,000 and run. What other alternative does Juan have in Columbia? Jack shit, he picks beans for coffee production because that's all he has. If we pay him 5.00/hour we are gonna be paying a shit-load for Foldgers.

Look, it sounds really shitty....but heres the deal. Its not exploitation if you arent putting a gun to their head. Im sorry Juan....but you can make 8 cents an hour picking beans for Foldgers or be unemployed. Thats not exploitation.

Sorry, trade is based on comparative advantage. If your comparative advantage is in finance and not coffee bean picking, then you are going to make money. However, if all you know is coffee bean picking, you dont have a lot of options.

Coldplay, I love your music. Your socio-economic-political views need to go die. Because they are naive and stupid. Go protest the war or something.

2003-03-04T23:44:00.000-05:00

Before all of you Tech kids get all high and mighty concerning the cloud of UGA and Jim Harrick, let me refresh your memory about something:

"O'Leary admitted to lending Williams, a running back at Tech from 1993-1996, $200 to $400 to cover dorm-room damage expenses in the spring of 1996. Braine said O'Leary made the loan because Williams needed to pay a fine within two hours in order to enroll in classes for the next quarter. The loan was repaid within 10 days, Braine said."

(http://www.accsports.com/archives/classics/williams.jsp)

If you remember, that was a secondary violation and was only un-covered when the father blew the whistle to the AJC. So dont give me this, "at least we dont cheat" bullshit.

2003-03-02T03:57:00.000-05:00

The most underrated song-writer of the last twenty years.......Chris Isaak.

2003-02-28T23:21:00.000-05:00

Life Goal #78656

I want my son to be born on February, 29. That way, I can be an evil father and only throw him a party every four years. I can make fun of him on February 28 and March 1 by asking him when he was born. And when he says the 29th, I'll laugh in his face. Then I hope he grows up hating me. That way, when he tries to run away at 18, I'll yell at him, "Cockface, you are only 4....get your ass back in the house!!!!"

Yes, thats one sorry life goal, but it would be fun.

2003-02-28T15:52:00.000-05:00

So, I decide....I'd like to see that movie, "Gods and Generals". Forget about it. That movie is four hours long. Four hours. I can drive to see my grandparents in south Georgia in that amount of time. Fuck, an additional hour, and Im in Biloxi. That 1/6 of a day.

Which makes me wonder, do you get paid more as an actor for a longer movie? I mean, if the movie runs 4 hours, theres no doubt you are going to have to remember more lines and "act" more than in a two-hour movie.

2003-02-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

If the World was coming to an end, would you want to know?

On CNN.com today, the issue was this: Let's assume the government discovers a meteor heading straight towards the Earth. There is nothing that the government can do to prevent this catastrophic situation. There is no doubt, the end of the world is coming. What is government's duty to the public?

I wouldnt want to know and dont think it would be a good idea to let the public know. What are you going to say, "By the way, twelve days from now, we are all going to be killed." That just begs for mass hysteria.

The only argument that might justify informing the public would be under the premise of the public's need to be spiritually ready for death. You know, everyone becoming "one" with their maker. Thats bullshit. I can see the entire United States population jumping on the Christianity band-wagon. If Im God, I only want the dedicated to be hanging out with me. If there is a Heaven, (which again, I think is faith-based and therefore irrelevant for an agnostic person), I wouldnt want it to be crowded due to a bunch of fair-weathered fans. I mean, they tell you over and over again....as long as you repent your sins and accept ole JC into your life, you are fine. Thus an over-populated of heaven results. Think about how much that would suck. Your spirit would always be stuck in line and shit.

And wouldnt you really be pissed off, if you were one of these die-hards all your life. Never sinned, and when you did you prayed and begged for forgiveness immediately afterwards. You get to Heaven, and that asshole who opened up a smut store in your neighborhood is hanging out too. The absolute fury that would result. It would be like being a season-ticket holder for the Atlanta Hawks for 50 consecutive years. The year they finally go to the NBA Finals, you dont get any tickets. Meanwhile, all these fucks who only know the starting-five get your seats. Fury.

Seriously, what good would knowing do?

2003-02-28T00:37:00.000-05:00

Just when you think you hit a point of closure concerning a chapter in your life....a gust of wind randomly flips the pages open. You start to read the page and get confused concerning plot lines, themes, characters, who said what, etc.. Then you start to re-examine the previous couple of pages...trying to get an answer to the questions bouncing around in your head. All that does is turn up scar tissue which you thought had previously healed. And you keep reading, and keep searching trying to satisfy the awkward feeling in your stomach....but you just cant get over this chapter in your life. You try to shut the book closed, but it just opens up to the same page. You stare at the book and curse at it, wondering why the fuck it has to keep bothering you. You keep trying over and over again to get to another chapter....but this chapter keeps drawing you back.

You refer to this chapter almost obessively. Replaying possible scenarios in your head. But you still dont get any closure because the only prespective you view this chapter through is your own. Then you start to doubt yourself again. You start to think that this might have been your finest hour. You start to think that no other chapter will ever come close to this chapter. You look at the next couple of chapters and see incomplete thoughts and emptiness. You know what is missing, but you, the fucking author, cant put the pieces together.

You wonder how other people view this chapter. You continue to over-anlayze this chapter to the point of saturation. You think you find closure. Then, as you start to turn away and write another chapter...the wind flips the pages back to the same fucking page.

2003-02-27T00:26:00.000-05:00

Im jacked up on Red Bull....so youll have to excuse me:

Im going to start randomly asking out girls. Total randomness. Just see some girl I would like to hang out with and ask her to dinner. The girls that say no, I'll spit in their face. The ones the say yes, I'll stand them up.

Take that Cassanova.

2003-02-27T00:03:00.000-05:00

If I never post anything again, its because Im lying in a pool of my own blood due to the mammoth gash in the back of my head. The gash which I received while I had an epileptic seizure, fell over backwards and split my head on the corner of my bed-side table due to the graphics in this goddamn astronomy book. Seriously, I want to find the author of this textbook and shatter his face in with a baseball bat. He's going for this illustrative approach to quantum mechanics. He types shit over these full page figures. And all these figures do is make your eyes bleed because you are trying to discern where the text is actually going...all the while Im thinking, "Christ, just show my some fucking constellations."

2003-02-26T23:21:00.000-05:00

Quick: What does Quantam Mechanics and Trying To Get Laid have in common?

Not a goddamn thing.

So heres the deal. All I needed to take this semester, in order to graduate, was electives. So Im going through the catalog just trying to find something interesting. Intro to Astronomy pops up. So I think to myself, "Alright, this is an intro class, so it cant be that hard. And besides, I will be able to woo some girl off her feet when Im talking to her about different constellations and pointing out different planets in the sky."

Bullshit, this class is fucking physics. Its goddamn physics. Ive got a test in twelve fucking hours and Im reading about quantam mechanics. This asshole professor has NOT ONCE talked about the Big Dipper. Goddamn, I just wanted an easy class. And I cant drop this shit because I want to graduate. This is fucking stupid.

2003-02-25T00:41:00.000-05:00

Theres something bothering me.

Thats the anti-war protesters. Im going to try and deliver this message as respectful as possible. I understand that many of you might be against the war, and Im not meaning to stereotype....(wait, I am, thats what i do best), anyways, I dont want you to think that your opinion is not valuable, etc..

Loyalty is something I do not take lightly at all. Loyalty, in my opinion, is this: no matter what someone does that you might not agree with or even care for....if he is one of "your boys", you have their back. Meaning, (and this is pretty sick, but its how I feel)...if, lets say Robbie Allen, kills someone and comes to me about it....im not telling the cops. Granted, Im not gonna help him dig a hole for the body or anything...but Im not gonna go running to the cops and prostituting myself to Hard Copy and Inside Edition. To put it in more "realistic" terms....I take care of people who take care of me.

Heres my interpretation of the war-situation. Lets re-asses all that has happened in the last three or four years. Osama bin Laden has called for Jihad against the United States.....he's killed over 3,000 Americans and God-knows how many other people in order to spread his terror thoughout the World. Meanwhile Saddam has basically told UN weapon inspectors to lick his balls for the last nine years. In case you havent realized it, these people dont really like us that much. I mean, if you dont believe me....go ahead and take a scenic trip to the middle east and tell me how many people outside of Isreal welcome you with open arms.

Do I WANT to go to war? No, not really. However, its inevitable and it is NEEDED. Again, these people HATE US. They were dancing in the streets when 9/11 happened. Remember those pictures from Iraq? I didnt see any anti-highjacking protests going on. I didnt see too many people upset about it. In fact, all I remember is people in the streets REJOICING and shooting guns into the air. Now I see pictures of them protesting the war. You know a couple of Saturdays ago, when we had those "international" war protests? , Fucking Iraquis were protesting. Fuck yeah, Id be protesting too. I dont want to be anihilated. The Iraqui's are fucked and they know it.

Now Ive got to deal with all of these wanna-be hippies protesting shit. First off, until the United States institutes a draft, shut your goddamn mouth. Secondly, most of these people dont even have a solution to the problem....that is besides not going to war. What should we do? Let Saddam continue his internal reign of terror and start mass producing chemical and nuclear weapons? In case you havent gotten the memo....Saddam and Osama aren't really into the idea of peace. They are not going to "go away".

Oh and all of these nations who are not supporting the war....France, Russia and Germany. Iraq has billion dollar trade debts with all of them. Furthermore, Russians have been selling the Iraquis military technology for the last twenty years. Believe it or not, the impending-conflict is business. And for the Russians, thats the only business they are making money off of right now. France and Germany, their economies have been shit for a while and they just wanted to increase their exports and whored themselves out to Saddam. If you think for one minute these heads of states are against war for "humanitary" reasons, you are a fucking moron.

There are certain things in which we, as Americans must not take for granted. The first thing is freedom. Realize this, there are people all over the world who would DIE for the remote possibility that their grand-children could possibly live a life of freedom and choice. We are extremely lucky to live in the United States. The very idea that we are free is what agitates Saddam and Osama. These fuckers arent just going away. We are going to have to take them out of the picture.

You, as a citizen, have every right to disagree with war. However, this is a situation where you suck it up and get behind your country. You are either on the ship or you arent. If you think things are so fucking bad, move. Go the fuck to Mexico or Canada. I dont want your naive, hippie-ass sitting around and attempting to divide this nation on such a clear-cut issue protest shouldnt even be an option. I, as a liberal, stand behind the United States in ANY military action against any threat to our freedom. If you cant take the same stance because Fred Durst or some other mis-informed Hollywood fucker sits on MTV and tells you to, then fuck off. Move..go the fuck to Canada.

2003-02-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

I hate cleaning my room

I fucking hate it, I hate it worse than dental work. Well, not that much. See heres my deal: I dont like doing meaningless shit. Like being clean. I know it takes hardly any effort at all to be clean. I mean, it just means you throw away a coke can when you are done with it. Or, you could be like me. And just finish the ice cold, Coca-Cola Classic and leave the can a coupe of inches away from where Im sitting. Clothes, I just throw them on the floor. The frustrating thing about that is, whenever I wash my clothes....well, I dont really wash them, I just throw them in the drier with a Bounce sheet, but anyways....i take them out of the drier and throw them onto the floor. So, there is just this huge pile of dirty and clean shit. That fucking pisses me off....because then I dont know whats clean. Anyways, my point is this, I know it takes minimal effort to be clean, but thats just not me. I mean, I like to spend me time analyzing the personalities of the Real World cast.

So Im spouting off my anger about being clean to John McCoy. I tell McCoy that I might hire a maid service.....to which McCoy says, "No get a girlfriend".

Now this is funny because: 1) I cant get a girlfriend, and 2) it pisses off girls to hear guys say shit like that.

But, it gets better. Because right after he says that, McCoy says, "No, thats too expensive."

Wait it gets better.....McCoy then adds, "Yeah, youd have to talk to them too."

Pricless. John McCoy is fucking priceless.

2003-02-17T16:59:00.000-05:00

doug is lacking.
sincerely, derek "motherfucking" chelf

2003-02-17T04:10:00.000-05:00

The underneath is lacking

2003-02-13T07:01:00.000-05:00

"Hi, Im a sheep. I cant think for myself....howd you get that Girls Gone Wild T-Shirt?"

When I grow up, all I want is to have a daughter that appears on Girls Gone WIld. That would make my life. All of those sweet, innocent girls having so much fun spending their Dad's money. I can only imagine happiness a father must feel when he turns on the television and see's his little princess yelling, "GIRLS GONE FUCKING WILD!!!", and then showing her tits.

Or maybe my daughter can be on the Real World, and she can have a three-some the first weekend, hook-up with her roommate every night, and then go out and make out with any guy that has a pulse. To top it off, I think it would be great if she was bulimic or something. Im sure Trichelle's father loves going to play golf with his buddies.

Its time for a Real World rant. I dont know why I do this to myself. But im forced to watch that show. I cant help it. And I hate it so much. It all started a couple months ago. Jamil and I, being the studs we are, watched a Real World marathon one FRIDAY night. Yes, we spent our Friday night like a bunch of girls at a middle school slumber party watching 6 hours straight of the Real World. I was hooked. It's like this....no one wants to be a heroin addict. They just start shooting up and they cant resist it anymore. I didnt want to watch that fucking show, much less get hooked on it....but I did.

Alas, this might come as a shock to all of you....but I have severe doubts that the Real World is actually "real". I know, I know, Im sorry. I dont mean to ruin the surprise, but I just dont think that show reflects the actual "Real World". In order to be cast on that show, you have to over-dramatize everything in your life. Literraly, everything you do must be over-dramartized to the point of saturation. To the point where you cry about meaningless stuff....like pretending that you are dying. See, there was this episode where the whole group went to group counseling. And they did this exercise where 6 of the 7 people were going to "die" and one was going to survive. I kid you not....they were crying about "dying". I wanted to violently shake the TV and yell, "GODDAMMIT!!!! You aren't fucking dying. Stop crying!!!!"

Anyways, theres always someone on that show crying. Its like it in their contract or something.

Also, this show has totally lost all my confidence in the female gender. Seriously, it's gone. Theres this one girl who keeps saying, "I love my boyfriend back home." Then she proceeds to sleep with one of her roommates. Then theres another one who finds a different guy every week. And she keeps saying shit like, "Im gonna be true to him." No you arent. Then theres this kid, Frank. Frank wants to hook up with one of the house sluts...so he dumps his girlfriend to make her feel sorry for him. What the hell is wrong with this group?

Basically, the Real World has gone straight down-hill. You know what I love about it, I love how everyone on the show thinks that by appearing on the show, its a stepping stone to a career in the entertainment industry. And besides a couple of successes, the only other time they are on TV is when they are brought in for these pathetic Real World/Road Rules challenge things. Thats unintentional comedy at its best.

Back to the original plan of this entry:

Every year, I hear all of these kids talk about their big Spring Break plans. "Im gonna go to PCB!!!! CLUB MOTHERFUCKIN' LA VELA!!!" Im sorry, but I couldnt handle a spring break trip anywhere. I have a hard enough time going downtown and hearing that goddamn Nelly song, "Hot in Here", every fucking bar I go to. Seriously, why does every bar insist on playing the worst music on the face of the Earth?

I can only imagine going to some place with 100,000 guys all dressed in Abercrombie and wearing Fuck-Me Beads. You know what fuck-me-beads are, right? They are those necklaces with shells that are more of a collar than a necklace. It seems like I missed the memo concerning the fact that it was now part of the Universal dress code. Anyways, I cant stand the guys that wear them. They are either meat-head, steriod induced frat boys. Or skinny, wanna-be meat-heads. Oh yeah, and the short/spiked/highlighted hair...thats gotta go. Im confused as hell as to why girls find guys like this interesting or attractive. I mean, they all just wreak of having no personality. Yet, they always manage to have a girls with them? WHY????

2003-02-13T03:01:00.000-05:00

The All-Nighter is In Session:

Be prepared for anger-induced rants tonight. Im in a terrible mood and I've fucking had it with school. I dont even want to get started at how bullshit I am with the idea of school.

2003-02-07T04:58:00.000-05:00

There just gets to be a point in one's life, where you just say out loud, "Christ, will you stop dealing me 16's?". I've reached that point.

Editors Note: Im refferring to being dealt 16s in the game of blackjack. Basically, you are forced to hit and end up busting, and losing your money. 16's are as welcome at a blackjack table as Michael Jackson is welcome at the Victims Of Sexual Assualt annual conference.

See, here's the situation. There was/is this girl at work. I started this little infatuation with Kari around a month ago. Anyways, I never asked her out because I was stuck on the fact that she was 25, graduated from UGA, and still working at Chili's. Look, I know I over-analyze shit. Im not gonna argue that that is a stupid reason to not ask a girl out. She was hot, funny, tiny, sweet, hated baseball, doesnt smoke, and is a vegetarian. The only problem I had with her was the fact that she was still serving tables at Chili's. So, throughout the course of the month, we start going downtown and what not. Last Thursday, the deal was sealed, in my mind, that she was special. Christ, shes a fucking vegetarian.

So, I talk to Kari tonight and she has some news for me....she got a job. In my head, Im thinking, "Great, she's not a Chili's-lifer." Then, she adds, its in Savannah, and she's leaving in 10 days.

Moments like that just require a, "FUCK, ENOUGH WITH THESE GODDAMN 16'S!!!!".

It was like getting kicked in the stomach. I mean, we certainly werent a couple, per se. But there was this fucking chemistry. I felt comfortable around her. Now, its like...."Fuck, what the hell." You start thinking if there is an international conspiracy with the sole purpose of throwing you backdoor-curveballs.

Yet again, I have pushed. I hit on 16, got a 5....and the dealer ends up hitting on 12 and getting a 9. A FUCKING PUSH. A GODDAMN PUSH????? Cmon. Cut me some slack here. The irony is too much for me to even appreciate. At first, I dont want to be with her because she doesnt have job....and then Im not able to be with her because she has a fucking job??? What the hell?? And now she wants to hang out tomorrow/tonight. Why? Christ, the Braves already break my heart enough. Everytime I hang out with her I appreciate her more....so what, so Im just gonna hang out with her for the next ten days and then really be devastated.

I guess what concerns me the most about this, is that Im not really that upset about it. It's almost expected. I mean, she was too good to be true. I liked her so much that I didnt even mind that she liked to listen to Nelly. Think about that?!?!?!?!?!

2003-02-03T03:48:00.000-05:00

Stupid People

Fuck 'em. Thats all I've got to say. Fuck them. Let them continue to work at McDonalds. It's no big deal. Some people are given bad breaks in life. You know, like comming from in-bred parents. No big deal. Gotta roll with the punches, you know?

This rant is produced due to my addiction to the card game, Spades. See, I play this game on the internet whenever I cant sleep or whenever else I am awake. Being a loser, its easy to occupy your time with an internet card game. In this game, you have a partner. I seem to always be stuck with partners who play spades using the most ass-backwards strategy known to man.

Strategies that make you sit at your computer yelling, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING????? LEAD DIAMONDS GODDAMMIT!!!!" Sadly, my roommates can testify that I yell that phrase at least once every couple of hours. See, this all comes back to the fact that I hate losing. Which Jamil will point out should come easy by now due to the fact Ive worked for the Braves the last four years. Regardless, I get hell-bent over stupid shit like Spades. I cant control shit like that, and it drives me crazy. I wish I didnt get pissed off at a fucking internet card game, but I do.

It's like my obsession with Golden Tee. I have a blister on my right palm from playing the video game, Golden Tee. It costs 3 bucks to play this game. This summer, I played it nearly twice a day. I was spending over $30/week on a fucking video game. I was sitting in class thinking about what club I should choose on Buckhorn's 9th Hole.

Jesus Christ, I am fucked up.

2003-01-30T04:15:00.000-05:00

Its Been A While...

How is it fucking going? Ive got an Astronomy test in 9 hours....and I dont give a flying fuck about it. And this is how it goes, once the all-nighters start getting pulled again, the entries start coming along. I admit, Ive been slacking on this little blog more than I have been slacking at school. Which, is pretty fucking hard to do. Anyways, this is going to be rapid fire while I go over everything that has happened in the last month or so:

Oscar is dead. My piece of shit car passed away about a month ago. Oscar was purchased the same day as the last time UGA beat Florida. Oscar didn't live to see another victory. And for all of you fuckers who are saying, "Well, you didn't take care of him." Shut up. Last time I checked, the fucking engine never really cared if I had melted Snickers bars on the passenger seat, get it?

Anyways, I bought a 2000 VW Jetta. Its a 5-speed and if you have been sitting at a traffic light flicking off the dumbass who stalled his engine out 5 cars ahead of you, it was me. Ive become somewhat better at this whole process, somewhat. Basically, I tend to forget that I have a 5-speed at sometimes. So I'll be driving in 3rd gear, with my RPMs at 5,000 at wondering why I cant get up to 60. Anyways, I was gonna lease a brand new Jetta and here's the story of how that went down:

Jaron is one of my roommates. I love Jaron to death. He's a good guy. He's also pretty big. And he's argumentative, so when you combine the two...its pretty intimidating to be on the receiving end of Jaron's wrath. Anyways, we go to Heritage VW. We get there, and these Guido-mother fuckers "take care of us". I think the salesman name was John and the Sales Manager might as well been named "Punch me in the Jaw, I deserve it". We take the test drive, all that....and its time for the negotiations.

See, Jaron and I make a good duo. Its a twisted version of good-cop/bad-cop. Alright, admittedly, if you looked at Jaron and I, you'd think to yourself, "Fresh-meat". However, Jaron and I are good at giving off wrong first-impressions. This fucker, John, he thought he had an easy sale. First off, Im random as hell...so I put off this persona of someone who isn't really paying attention to most detail. So the lease terms are discussed. They come back with a MONTHLY payment of 300. (Im not going to get into a finance lesson about how a lease payment is derived, just trust me on these details.) So, I ask John, let me see a breakdown of the leasing fees, etc.. John looks at me dumbfounded and tells me....EXACT QUOTE...."All the leasing fees are in the monthly payment". HEY CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, thanks a lot on that one. I wanted to know exactly what the depreciation rate of the car is. So, John goes back to the Sales Manager and tells Numb-nuts that he has no idea what Im talking about. So Numbnuts comes into the office. I explain to him that I want to know exactly what the residual value of the car is upon trade in. He starts skating around the issue again. So, Jaron and I calculate that the residual value is around 5,000. That means, after 36,000 miles....the car would depreciate by more than $14,000. Look, fuck off. So Jaron and I call him out on it. I tell him I think he's full of shit and I want to KNOW exactly WHAT THE RESIDUAL VALUE of the car is.

Realize, John is no longer in the picture. John figured that he had met his match with Jaron and I was just quietly sitting there with a finger in his ass wishing that he knew anything about financing a car. Because, Jaron and I made him, SPECIFICALLY HIM....THE FUCKING CAR SALEMAN....look like an absolute dumbass. Anyways, Sales Manager Asshole says, "What does the residual value matter to you? What do you think it should be?"

I tell the asshole that I have been researching all this shit and it should be at least 60% of the original price of the car. "OOOOH NO!!!!!! Not even BMWs and Mercedes have 60% residual after 36,000 miles". So I call him out, and tell him that I wouldnt readily admit to anyone that the car you are selling isn't worth 60% of the purchase price after 36,000 miles. The cock-lover then went to go, "Work some things out....cause he WANTED me to have that car". Basically, he takes us to another office and tries to show me that he's only making $250 on the deal. I wanted to ask the motherfucker, "Do I look this fucking stupid". Im paying the guy a total of 10,000+ for three years of car usage, then he gets the car back, and then he sales it. Furthermore, he admits that the residual value is around 8,700. Around 55%.....not the 40% he told me it was....and a lot closer to my estimate. Anyways, after I see that hes been lying to me, I get real hesitant about this whole process. The new payments are for around $285 once he squares some things over. I tell the guy that I really cant afford that

Cocknobster then says, "Im willing to work with you, now, tell me what you can go for?" Thats when I got bullshit. Jaron Slattery is my fucking witness to all of this...My line was something like this..."Dont ask me a question like that....give me what you can and we'll go from there." He comes back with 260. HOWEVER, numbuts claims my credit is "extremely shaky" and that I will need a cosigner. Well, then there's no more point in talking about this, because I have no one to co-sign right now. "WAIT....if you promise me you will take that car at 260/month, I will try and get you approved only in your name." BY this time, i was bullshit. Stop playing games with me asshole. So we left.

On the next Monday, I went to Carmax and bought a 2000 Jetta. The shocking thing is that my "shaky credit" was taken right away and was given a pretty solid score by the credit bureau. So, basically, these guys were cocksuckers and thats about it. Im happy with my new car but have no name for it yet.

Im still working for the man at Chili's. I hate that place. I literally fucking hate it. The money is too good to pass up though. And I say I hate it, but I really dont. I like getting my ass kicked on a regular basis because management would rather save money on labor. It's one of those Catch-22's. Because, at least Im being productive...and I need money for car-payments. But its fucking Chilis.

Baseball is starting soon....which is good. Because Im already breaking into cold sweats at night due to the fact i havent heard a Brian Kenny "OH NO!!!!" on Baseball Tonight in nearly 3 months.

Im back into classes and there's something I need to comment on. First off, attendance policies. Nearly every one of my classes has an attendance policy. IM A FUCKING ADULT!!!! Furthermore, you are getting paid by ME (via Hope). If I dont want to attend classes, that my own fucking deal. Stop thinking your lectures are so goddamn important. No one cares. On the subject of lectures. Im getting real sick of people who have no idea about topics in class, and yet, they comment on them. There's a kid in my History class who never does the readings, but he tries to suck up to the teacher and act like he does. Its obvious he has no fucking clue what the hell he is talking about. The professor tries to be nice and discourage him from talking....but the kid wont get the hint....he just keeps going....like a fucking idiot. He's some dumb-redneck-frat boy. Fuck him. I sit right behind him and just want to punch him the back of the head. Maybe it would knock him out for a couple of minutes so we dont have to hear him talk about growing up in a small town.

Since Winter Break I have read over 1,000 pages on Richard Nixon. Holy fuck. Im gonna make this statement right now....and this is coming from a liberal. President Nixon was the greatest President since FDR. Im not going to go over all of his accomplishments, but they far out-weigh anything anyone else has done lately. What Im going to comment on is his handling of Watergate. First off, it was all politically motivated liberal propaganda which got the articles of Impeachment before Congress. All he did was talk about covering up a petty operation which could potentially bring down his administration...AND...more importantly, in a Cold War era, make the United States vulnerable. In his head, he was trying to cover this up in order to protect the United States. The era in which Nixon was operating in was one that we cant really grasp. China and the USSR was on the verge of war everyday. The Middle East was the Middle East. The United States and the USSR both had nuclear weapons ready at a moments notice. If the USSR saw the President was powerless, (due to Impeachment proceedings), and that the United States' attention to USSR actions were diverted for that reason, then they could potentially launch an attack on us. That sounds pretty silly. But this was a time when we were living in fear of nuclear war.

ANYWAYS, once Nixon realized that by him dragging out the proceedings, he was making the country vulnerable, he left. It's fucking sad. He did so much for the nation, and he gets no credit. Instead, dumbfucks like Reagan are given credit for shit that Nixon set the foundation for. Nixon wasn't friendly with the media. He didn't whore himself out in order to make friends. Ultimately, thats what brought him down.

Alas, Astronomy.

2003-01-10T01:57:00.000-05:00

You ever think about how cool it must be to be in a real good band like Pearl Jam or U2. For instance, whenever I hear the song, "One" by u2, I get fucking goosebumps. Think about that shit. Whenever you hear a certain song, emotions just intercept your present feelings and make you think about something else. That must be the coolest thing in the world...to be Eddie Vedder and have someone come up to you and say, "the song Rearviewmirror means more to me than you will ever know." Christ, youve fucking touched someones life. That just must be the best feeling ever.

2003-01-06T04:27:00.000-05:00

Good Times......Good Times

I really like the show "Loveline" with Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla. You know, the show where people call up with their sex questions? Anyways, Ive been told its not on anymore, but regardless. Whenever some girl calls up and starts off the conversation with, "Hey, Im Amber im 18.....Ive been molested by my Uncle since I was 8, etc..." Adam always says, (like an asshole), "Good Times.....Good Times". Anyways, I think its funny. It might be one of those things you need to experience to really enjoy.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Biloxi with my Dad, Cavetom, Tyler Faulkner, Shannon Pierce and Travis Pierce. Good Times....Good Times. Im gonna try and give you the storyof what actually happened, but it wont do any justice to the actual story. Seriously, we spent 3 days gettting non-stop shitfaced and pissing people off. Well, mainly it was just me who was pissing people off, anyways.

My father and I flew down earlier in the day. I start gambling....and drinking. By the time everyone else gets there, Im feeling pretty good. Then we all start playing blackjack....with a dealer named Cliff. Cliff can fucking suck it. See, dealers are really insecure. Especially blackjack dealers. All you do is count to 21. Thats it. So, all of them have this conspiracy to put themselves on a higher pedestal. Anyways, Cliff thought he was Bob Hope or something. I dont really remember what Cliff did to piss me off, it had something to do with baseball. I know I was drunk, so anyone who mentions anything about why they hate baseball, they have to go.

Anyways, by Friday night I was fucking hammered. We all started playing Pai Gow Poker. All of us and this old lady named, Rose. Grandma Rose was 81. Grandma Rose also had a motorized walker.....these characteristics didnt prevent me from making fun of Grandma Rose. I know, I shouldnt have made fun of an old lady. But she started it. She was verabally assualting us. No shit. This old lady called me a punk. (She was probably calling me a punk because I couldnt see straight and was making a general ass of myself.)

So oncee Rose threw the first stone, it was on. Mano a Mano. So, I start asking Rose if she has any grandchildren my age that I could possibly date. I cant remember if this was before or after the whole table was making really vulgar, obscene jokes. Anyways, Rose started giving me this lecture about how she was married for 51 years. Blah, blah, blah. Then, ten minutes later, this old guy stands right behind Rose. Not casually standing behind her. I mean, he was right on top of her. So me, being the conversationalist, ask Rose if thats her husband. Apparently, Rose's husband has been dead for 4 years. That pretty much made the table go silent. So...I needed to pick on someone else....hence, the dealer, Phil.

Phil is of Asian heritage. Ive never encountered an oriental person with the name of Phil. So, I had to bring that fact up. I did it indirectly. "Phil, Id have a lot more respect for you if you spelled your name with an F instead of a Ph". You know, good natured ribbing. Phil doesnt get comedy. In fact, I think the only thing Phil wanted to get was a gun so he could shoot me. Regardless, this started a long relationship between Phil and I.

So, basically, I passed out at around midnight Friday night. Unfortunately, I went to sleep before the Mark Spitz exhibition on the beach outside our hotel. Apparently, Cavetom got really wasted and thought it would be a good idea to go swimming....in the Gulf of Mexico....at 4am....on December 20. He told Travis that he was "good at swimming", and "it was no big deal". Biloxi's finest thought otherwise. It seems it took 2 of them to convince Tom to go back to the hotel room for the night.

On Saturday we are playing Pai Gow. Its 3pm. Tom is dead. And we are racking in the money. Everything becomes a baseball analogy. I mean, Tyler and I are relenltess. Were throwing outKeith Lockhart analogies, etc... Theres this Asian guy sitting with us. And out of no where he says, "Base clearing double." It was a thing of beauty. I had to introduce him to the table. So I ask him what his name is. Buddy, was gonna tell me his real name...then, he realized we were all hammered. So he says, "My name Billy". Billy became one of us.

Now, in July, we took Tom to Biloxi for his birthday. It was me, Derek, Tom and Robbie. We were playing Pai Gow. And in Pai Gow....all you do is push. So I entitled myself "The King of Push". Derek soon became the "Crown Prince of Push", Robbie was the "Duke of Push" and Tom was "The Dutchess of Push". This old guy sitting next to us became the, "Prime Minister of Push" and this lady was, "The Queen of Push". Guess who I played Pai Gow with on that Saturday? THE QUEEN OF PUSH. She sat down and we made eye contact, (I could see her think to herself, "Oh god, not these guys again"), so I had to ask...."Are you the Queen of Push?" OH YES!!!!! My Queen had returned.

We go to dinner and then encounter a dealer who thinks he's a bad-ass number #2. I forget his name, lets just put it this way...he had the personality of a fucking parking space. He also thought he was Chris Berman. At first he was cool, but as the night wore on, we kinda saw the real (whatever his name is). Hes a bitter, dark, evil, person. It was just sick. He told us he could make $100 turn into $30,000 on the craps table. So.....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DEALING BLACKJACK???? If I could make $100 into $30,000, I sure as hell wouldnt be dealing with drunk college kids calling each other Chipper and Lockhart. Its just a fucking complex I guess. There are some cool dealers. But the only cool ones Ive met have been at the Hard Rock in Vegas. So back to Pai Gow.....

Then, my arch enemy, "Phil", came back. Once he took over the table, I yelled, "DIABLO!!!!", took my chips and left. No thanks. I dont want to tempt fate. Not with that guy. Uh-uh. So once I leave, the whole table starts winning and my funds go into a tail-spin. Fucking Phil.

Basically, Im too tired to write about Sunday. Sunday was just slots and the realization I had lost a good bit of money. But, like I said. We had a great time. Best time Ive ever had gambling......See, gambling is drunken inside jokes. Especially if you go with a bunch of sarcastic, cynical fucks such as our entourage. I mean, seriously, we were fucking funny. We had a good time. Even though I lost a bunch of money, it was fucking fun.

2002-12-28T20:18:00.000-05:00

Are We Headed for Another Vietnam?

This past summer, I started reading a lot about Richard Nixon. I think Nixon is intriguing because he was really a great leader, he just got too greedy. He's not remembered for all the things he did in terms of foreign policy, instead, Watergate is all they/we remember. Regardless, for Christmas, my wonderful mother got me a 600+ page day-by-day account of Nixon's presidential term. For a dork like me, this is incredibly interesting. The book reads like an in-depth history book on the six years of Nixon's term and a half.

We all know the Vietnam was probably the worse mistake the United States government got themselves into. It wasnt that the idea of getting involved in Vietnam was bad. The continued fighting of an enemy wouldnt couldnt beat was our mistake. We had never faced an enemy like the Vietcong. They weren't a military, per se. They were basically groups of guerrilla troops. I digress....it has come out in the last couple of decades that we never had the upper-hand in Vietnam. Our strategy was to keep sending troops with the hopes of eventually destroying the Vietcong. This just didnt work. To compound the problem, Kennedy's, LBJ's and Nixon administration was basically lying to everyone concerning Vietnam. The United States was fearful that retreat would signify weakness to the Soviet Union. So, we were fighting a losing war in order to try and keep our pride afloat.

I kind of seeing what is happening in Afghanistan the beginning of another Vietnam. I understand we are fighting terrorist and not a "movement". However, the media is kept largely in the dark about what is actually happening in Afgahnistan. At the beginning of Vietnam, the idea of containing communism was what stirred the support for United States involvement domestically. Just as the goal to "stop terrorism". Let's think realistically. Could we ever contain communism? Will we ever be able to stop terrorism?

Look, certain people are going to hate us for what we are. We are a nation living in freedom and prosperity. If we think we can just wipe out terrorism, we are wrong. Its just not possible. I mean, we can't find Osama....so the government has made Saddam public enemy number #1. Think about that....I think the government is pushing this whole Iraq thing because we arent making any progress looking for Jamil's uncle. It would be very interesting to look at the government's statements during simultaneous period of the War on Terror an Vietnam. Sadly, I think they might mirror each other.

2002-12-24T15:17:00.000-05:00

The New York Yankees

The Biloxi story is in the works. Until then, its time for some baseball and economics. Most of you comprehend that I have little sympathy for them, "small-market" clubs. However, there is one aspect of baseball that has thrown a wedge into competitive balance due to economic situations. The fact that foreign players ARE NOT subject to the amatuer draft puts a huge strain on competitive balance. Basically, half of the playing population will go to the team that pays them the most. The Braves have scouting combines in the Dominican in order to find the next Pedro Martinez. Conversely, the Royals invest only a little to scout Central America and the Caribbean. Today, the Yankees signed a Cuban pitcher to a 4 year, 32 million dollar deal. That in itself is not that bad of a thing. However, when you realize that other teams cannot only afford that pitcher, more importantly, they cannot afford the RISK of that deal. The Yankees are committing 32 million to a player who has never faced Major League hitting. Not only is it not fair that this player goes to the highest bidder, (while other Amatuers are drafted), the other teams cannot afford a 32 million dollar fuck-up. The Yankees can. That puts a strain on competitive balance. MLB fucked it up. MLB should have demaded a world-wide draft during the collective bargaining rounds. They didnt. Life goes on.

2002-12-18T15:26:00.000-05:00

Patrick Smith: Why do you hate yourself?

Friends, I have failed a class. I failed public speaking due to an "excessive number of absences". Regardless of the fact that I had a raw score in the area of a high B, failure to attend class resulted in my F.

I have held off long enough on this pompous, graduate student, asshole. First off, he is a spineless prick. Not once, did he even mention to me that he was considering failing me due to my attendance. IN FACT, I went to his office this past Monday and he didnt mention the fact that he was considering failing me. Secondly, he is jealous of me. Im being arrogant here. My speeches kick some serious ass. They are funny and they make people listen. During his boring-lectures, (which is why I didnt want to attend class), Smith attempted to be funny. No one would laugh at his dumb-ass impersonations. In fact, it would be so silent that an awkwardness existed in the room.

What it comes down to, I think, is that Smith is a gutless prick who fells he has all of this control because he determines my grade. Fuck him. Seriously, I will end up getting him back in the long-run. Ive got some ideas that wont get me thrown in jail, but will result in him being humiliated on campus. I guess I would be a bitter piece of shit as well if I was short, relatively unattractive and was teaching public speaking classes. In fact, I would probably swallow razor blades if I woke up one moring and realized that was my life. So, he's probably getting a kick out of this. Thats fine, I'll let him stroke himself while he thinks hes a bad-ass. Fine with me, just because I know what the reality is. The reality is that Patrick Smith will never amount to anything substantial in life. To compensate for this fact, he chooses to act like a hard-ass when he doesnt have to confront the individual. So, I'm going to confront the individual.

Patrick Smith
130 Sussex Drive; Apartment 23
Athens, GA 30606

Im going to make that guy look me in the eyes and tell me I deserve an F. And once he does, Im going to let him know what I think about his sorry existence.

Take Care

2002-12-16T12:16:00.000-05:00

Mike Stanton.....

Alright, so Mike Stanton is now a Met for the next three years. He's a relief pitcher who has been extremely successfull; however, he's old. He's also been used a lot in the last four years. However, that doesnt really concern me that much. What concerns me is that the Mets gave him a no-trade clause. It used to be that only premiere players got no-trade clauses. Now, virtually everyonne has one. Im surpised Joe McEwing didnt negotiate one. However, there is still ONE team that will not negotiate No-Trade Clauses, the Atlanta Braves. Look, you are a player, therefore, you are OUR PROPERTY. Thats what the contract says. If we want to trade you, its our fucking business. Just as you have every opprotunity to explore other possibilities once your contract expires. All no-trade clauses become is an albatross over the organization's head. You cant get rid of them. Look, if you are preforming to your ability and the organization loves you, they arent going to trade you. However, once you have this no-trade clause you get this complex where you are bigger than the organization. A "You cant get rid of me" attitude is born. Fuck that. Some players deserve no-trade clauses....but Mike Stanton?, cmon.

2002-12-16T11:44:00.000-05:00

These songs have gotten me through Finals Week:

311, "Come Original"
Radiohead, "Paranoid Android"
Jack Johnson, "Flake"
Metallica, "Wherever I May Roam"
Radiohead, "Fake Patric Tree"
Pearl Jam, "I Got Shit"
Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
Pearl Jam, "Smile"
Radiohead, "Optomistic"
Nirvana, "Pennyroyal Tea"
Coldplay, "Clocks"
Nirvana, "Where Did You Sleep Last Night"
Weezer, "Say It Aint So"
Soundgarden, "Burden in My Hand"
STP, "Trippin On a Hole In a Paper Heart"
Righteous Brothers, "Unchained Melody"
Elvis Presely, "Suspicous Minds"
Face to Face, "Youve Done Nothing"
Oasis, "Fucking in the Bushes"
Tom Petty, "You Wreck Me"
Pearl Jam, "Who You Are"
311, "Stealing Happy Hours"
Billy Joel, "Uptown Girl"
Pearl Jam, "Yellow Ledbetter"
Oasis, "Champagne Supernova"

2002-12-16T11:28:00.000-05:00

Why in the hell would you go out and shoot a deer. What could possibly motivate you to go and end a harmless creatures life. Its not for food. And dont give me this crap about controlling the population. Go feed them some fucking lettuce if you are so concerned about their well-being. Dont sit in a tree all day and kill some baby deer's mother or father. What the fuck is wrong with you?

2002-12-15T17:44:00.000-05:00

I admit, Im stoked for a terribly cheesy-show.

Ive been watching football all day. And they keep showing these ads for this new reality-series called "Joe Millionaire". Basically, its like that show "The Bachelor". Where 20 hot girls try and get this guy's heart. Anyways.....Fox mad this real interesting. They told the girls that he was worth 50 million dollars, when he only makes 19,000 a year. Basically, they are gonna expose all these girls as money-hungry, lazy, whores. I really cant wait. This is why they made TIVO.

2002-12-15T17:38:00.000-05:00

So here's what I really dont understand.....

All of these MTV/TRL Artists who are trying to appeal to high-school losers. You know these videos and shit they are showing lately...where the artist is trying to reach out to troubled, nerdy, un-cool high school kids. Christina Aguilera has this new song about why people shouldnt hate themselves for being ugly or different. You know, I kinda get the impression kids who are already suicidal because they are viewed as a freak in high school could really care less what Christina thinks about them.

In fact, Christina, you are famous for one reason. These executives liked you because they knew youd appeal to the masses. They knew that the lambs on this Earth wouldnt be able to stop loving you. So save it, Christina. You are in the position you are solely because you are beautiful. You dont write your own songs. You a pawn for the music industry. I doubt you have any control over your own work. So dont give me this crap about how you want to "reach out to the out-casts of society". You exist solely because you are everything those people aren't. Now, go shake your ass on TV and wait for the next song-writer to throw a hit song in your face and sing the words. No one asked you to become a spokesman for anyone besides the brainless sheep on this Earth. Oh, and Pink and the girl from Destiny's Child.....this applies to you also.

2002-12-13T03:57:00.000-05:00

God doesnt care....

You know what I can't stand. I cant stand it whenever a team wins a championship, and one of their players spends 10 minutes going on and on about how none of this would be possible without the Big Man in the Sky. Or, whenever an actor gets an award, and he thanks God.

Look, God doesnt give a flying fuck about the World Series. God doesnt watch movies, so I dont see why the fuck he would care if Tom Cruise won an Oscar. Conversly, did God hate the other team? I mean, if God made this all happen, did he make the other team lose? What the fuck? No, God didnt make the other team lose....BECAUSE HE DOESNT FUCKING CARE!!!!!

Look, if more than half the population doesnt care about the outcome of the Super Bowl or the Video Music Awards, then why the fuck would God? I think hes got more imporant things to do than manipulate game plans.

You are who you are due to your free-will. Sure, fate throws us a curveball once in a while, and thats more than likely a higher-power. Lieutenant Dan, he's got a reason to be bitter. I guess you could interpret his situation as an obstacle God has placed in the way.

However, God didnt make the Rams lose the Super Bowl to make the Rams fans re-examine themselves as people. Thats just fucking comical to even think something like that. "Well, God does everything for a reason. I guess the Rams lost because God wants to teach those Rams fans something." No Asshole. The Rams lost because they had a shitty game-plan.

2002-12-13T03:45:00.000-05:00

I Know That I Shouldnt Get My Hopes Up.....

However, I have officially been contacted from another team concerning my search for a job in baseball. The Pittsburgh Pirates. When I wrote my research paper this summer, the Pirates General Manager wrote me a detailed letter concerning the paper. Since I spent so much time on that paper, any response I got, even if it was some crappy form letter, made my day. So, Pittsburgh comes to town in August and I decide to go thank Mr. Littlefield for the letter. Mr. Littlefield then spent 30-45 minutes talking to me about baseball, school, all of that type of stuff. I could see geniune concern for my well-being. This impressed me a lot, because he didnt have to 1) even write a response to my theory, 2) take the time to talk to me while he was in Atlanta.

So, this winter, while I was making my top 10 list of teams I wanted to work for, underneath the Braves, the Pirates existed. Followed by Seattle, Toronto and Boston. After gettting the general drift that the Braves werent all that interested in me, I decided to send my resumes out to the teams I really, really, wanted to work for. The Pittsburgh GM contacted me again, gave me his cell-phone number, and asked that I called him as soon as possible.

Look, Pittsburgh sucks. They have been terrible for the last 10 years. But Littlefield just got the job last year. He also seems to be a great guy in general. Just in the way hes treated me, I can see no reason to believe that he wont be successfull. So, Im sitting here with his phone number and scared to death to call him.

Its like getting the hot girl's number in your class. You sit by the phone staring at it.....thinking about what you are gonna say. When you know you are just gonna call her and say something incredibly stupid.

I hope this can work out in Pittsburgh. Like I said, if the Braves and another team offer me something, Im leaning towards the other team.

2002-12-12T05:32:00.000-05:00

Once I left the office, I pretty knew my fate with the Atlanta Braves. At best, I'll be an intern in Baseball Operations this season, and then Im gone. The possibility still exists that I might work somewhere else next year. I have no idea. Its just a fucked up situation. I dont think Schuerholz has confidence in me.

Bobby Cox is the one man in the organization that I know has confidence in me. He is spending all weekend in Nashville talking me up to other General Managers. It sucks, because I wish his General Manager would listen. But, I guess Schuerholz has his reasons.

It just sucks. I wanted to have a career here, but I just dont think Schuerholz is ever going to get over the fact that I was a bat-boy. I've got to stay optomistic. Like I said, I'll probably get an internship with the Braves. I was just hoping for a better reaction/response from Schuerholz.

What it comes down to now is that Id rather take an internship somewhere else. If that opprotunity comes up, Im gone. Im ready to get the fuck out of here. I can tell that after the internship would run out with the Braves, theyd have nothing for me. Nothing. I just dont fucking get that? It hurts. Its like getting dumped. You have such a love and an appreciation for something, and its just not returned. Ive done everything humanly possible to show Scheurholz that I want to work for him....and all he's done is tell me its not enough.

2002-12-11T08:26:00.000-05:00

In a little over three hours, my life will be totally changed. That sounds dramatic, but its entirely true. Two hours from now, I will be sitting in front of John Schuerholz with the hopes of leaving his office knowing where I stand in the Braves organization. As I've said over and over again, I love this team. I hurt when we lose. My moods are primarily based on the Braves success or lack there of. I spent all of last winter in a depression-like funk. I couldnt get over how badly we played in the NLCS when we had so much potential. I friggin wept over our performance this year. Fucking wept. Not got a lump in my throat or suffered through a little sniffles, I wept. I was absolutely devastated.

Im sitting here thinking, right now, that this is my chance. This is my chance to embark on the path which will lead me to my all-time dream job, becomming a General Manager. There are other avenues of achieving this goal, but nothing would be better than to start here. Working within the Braves organization would be awesome. Being able to be part of constructing a team year in and year out would be perfect.

This is THE team I grew up adoring. I had no idea the Braves sucked. All I knew was that they had Dale Murphy and that Dale Murphy was number 3. In 1991, my Mom checked me out of school in order to take me to the Airport to see them leave to Minnesota up 3-2. Everytime the Braves clinched something that year, my Mom would be at Belks the next morning at 11am, buy the "official" t-shirt, and take it to Suwannee Elementary so that I could wear it for the last three hours of school. In seventh grade, I listened to Sid Bream come around the bases off a Fransisco Cabrerra hit to left-center field on my radio underneath my pillow. The night the Braves actually won the World Series, I drug Tyler Faulkner to homecomming to go with Amanda Rogers and Sarah Chenier. All they wanted was dinner dates, cause right when we got there, they took off. I remember checking my coat, and the parents/chaperones had a TV and they were watching the game. It was the fifth inning, 0-0. That night I got home, my grandfather was in town and he was just sitting in front of the TV. Watching the celebration. He didnt say much that night. But the expression on his face said everything. In 1997, David Weese and I were in the outfield seats as Chipper Jones flied out to center-field with the bases loaded against the Marlins. In 1998, Tyler Faulkner and I skipped school to watch Sterling Hitchcock pitch the game of his life against us. I remember watching Danny Bautista virtually drop a fly ball....and he was in FOR DEFENSE!!!! Every October since 1991, the Braves have been front and center. I hope to God this comming October they will be there again, and I will be able to tell people that I was part of the staff that assembled that championship team.

2002-12-11T05:36:00.000-05:00

Lewis Grizzard:

One of the first writers that I enjoyed reading was Lewis Grizzard. He was a columnist for the AJC back in the day. This is, what I feel, one of the best pieces of writing ever. I love dogs. I treat Freckles like a little sister. In fact, Im pretty sure the inevitable passing away of Freckles will affect me more than even I can ever imagine. Before you read the column, understand why I love dogs. I love dogs because they are loyal. Dogs dont care if you arent rich. Dogs are always there for you. Proof of this is in any city where homeless people inhabit the streets. There is always a dirty, homeless guy who has a dog. And the dog loves his owner more than anything else. While people walk by acting as if the person doesnt even exist, or make comments under their breath....the dog is sitting there, happy to be with his owner.

Catfish the Lab Has Up and Died

My dog Catfish, the black Lab, died Thanksgiving night.

The vet said his heart gave out.

Down in the country they would have said, "Lewis's dog up and died."

He would have been 12 had he lived until January.

Catfish had a good life. He slept indoors. Mostly he ate what I ate. We shared our last meal Tuesday evening in our living room in front of the television.

We had a Wendy's double cheeseburger and some chili.

Catfish was a gift from my friends Barbara and Vince Dooley. Vince, of course, is the athletic director at the University of Georgia. Barbara is a noted speaker and author.

I named him driving back to Atlanta from Athens where I had picked him up at the Dooley's home. He was all curled up in a blanket on my back seat. And I looked at him and it just came out. I called him, "Catfish."

I swear he raised up from the blanket and acknowledged. Then he severely fouled the blanket and my back seat.

He was a most destructive animal the first three years of his life. He chewed things. He chewed books. He chewed shoes.

"When I said to Catfish, 'Heel,'" I used to offer from behind the dais, "he went to my closet and chewed up my best pair of Guccis."

Catfish chewed television remote control devices. Batteries and all. He chewed my glasses. Five pairs of them.

One day, when he was a puppy, he got out of the house without my knowledge. The doorbell rang. It was a young man who said, "I hit your dog with my car, but I think he's OK."

He was. He had a small cut on his head and he was frightened, but was otherwise unhurt.

"I came around the corner," the young man explained, "and he was in the road chewing on something. I hit my brakes the second I saw him."

"Could you tell what he was chewing on?" I asked.

"I know this sounds crazy," the young man answered, "but I think it was a beer bottle."

Catfish stopped chewing while I still had a house. Barely.

He was a celebrity, Catfish. I spoke recently in Michigan. Afterward a lady came up to me and said, "I was real disappointed with your speech. You didn't mention Catfish."

Catfish used to get his own mail. Just the other day the manufacturer of a new brand of dog food called "Country Gold," with none other than George Jone's picture on the package, sent Catfish a sample of its new product. For the record, he still preferred cheeseburgers and chili.

Catfish was once grand Marshall of the Scottsboro, Alabama, "Annual Catfish Festival." He was on television and got to ride in the front seat of a police car with its siren on.

Oh, that face and those eyes. What he could do to me with that face and those eyes. He would perch himself next to me on the sofa in the living room and look at me.

And love and loyalty would pour out with that look, and as long as I had that, there was very little the human race could do to harm my self-esteem.

Good dogs don't love bad people.

He was smart. He was fun. And he loved to ride in cars. There were times he was all that I had.

And now he has up and died. My own heart, or what is left of it, is breaking.

2002-12-10T03:24:00.000-05:00

Complete, Absolute Agony

This week is complete, absolute agony. I still have no idea what Im going to be doing next semester. For those of you that know me real well, you somewhat know that Im quasi-organized. Meaning that my madness has a method. What looks like disarray to you, is my comfort. I like to know whats going on. I over-analyze. Im impatient. Instant gratification. I dont want to keep waiting. I want to know. I want to know is baseball in the cards for me or not. All of this durimg finals week.

Its extremely hard to concentrate on whether or not import quotas represent a drag on social welfare when you have the nagging thought that your dreams may never be realized. Look, im confident. Im trying to be optomistic, it's just continues to get harder and harder to concentrate whenever your visions of the firestorm have been reduced to plain smoke and mirrors.

Vulnerability is the worse feeling. Because you know you are setting yourself up to be kicked in the gut. I dont want to be the guy ten years from now who wondered, "What If". However, that guy is safe. I know I can make it in baseball, but someone has got to give me a chance. That chance might not come. Ive had to come to that realization this week. Its just an incredibly anxious/vulnerable position I find myself in. Me, the control-freak, is putting my future in the hands of 10 people, and I cant do much more after that. Its intimidating and frustrating.

2002-12-09T23:20:00.000-05:00

Randomness:

I read an article today about the New York Times's treatment of NAFTA during the period of 1992-1993. This article examined the bias contained within the newspaper. Basically, it was the author's contention that the Times presented NAFTA in a favorable light in order to manipulate public opinion. While this isnt out of line, per se, the author wasn't very thrilled when it turned out that over half of the sources cited in the 300 articles while NAFTA was being debated were government officials. The idea is that journalistic integrity has been replaced with "information subsidies". Basically, journalism now has an "information market" that operates under the terms of an economic market. One good, information, is disbtributed to information-seekers in return for favorable treatment within the story. Basically, journalism has been reduced from an investigative avenue to spoon-fed, government narratives. This was extremely interesting to me. Im not naive, but I never really thought about this so closely. Basically, the news were are handed is being indirectly censored. Mass-media is now a business. Due to corporations like Cox and Gannet, newspaper staffs are being reduced in order to save expenditures. Journalistic integrity is being replaced with bottom-line financials. Its a lot less costly to have a source spoon-feed you information that to actually investigate on your own. In a nation where the Freedom of the Press is the pinnacle of what our country represents, it turns out, the news is becoming nothing more than a PR machine for government officials to manipulate the media.

I have been listening to a lot of Nirvana recently. And you cant help but to think about suicide. I always thought that if you committed suicide, you were a tired act. You didnt want to hang around when the going got tough. You wanted an easy way out. However, I keep thinking that maybe that isnt the case. I mean, if you hate life so much that youd actually kill yourself, thats intense. The very idea that not one thing makes you happy. I just cant imagine that. Half of my still thinks sucidie is a cop-out, but you can actually spin suicide off to look courageous. Its a delicate matter. I just dont see what could ever make me, or anyone, decide that theres no point in going on. For that reason, if someone actually does think that, Christ, what do you do?

I got my first two official "rejection" letters today. The Oakland Athletics and St. Louis Cardinals have both informed me that my services will not be needed. Im kind of disappointed with Oakland because that was one team that I really wanted to work for. However, Ive got my meeting with Schuerholz on Wednesday morning, and then I'll go from there. Ive got a good feeling about Pittsburgh. We will see, it will make for an interesting couple of weeks.

Regardless, its time to get back to International Trade.

2002-12-08T06:37:00.000-05:00

I love Larry Munson:

"Alright now all you Dog people, this is it.... this is the one we've all been hoping and praying for a shot at.... the conference championship. And when you think back on this season now, and all the crazy, nutty stuff that's happened, you gotta realize that to get to this thing, you not only hafta be pretty good, you gotta be just a little bit lucky too..... and in saying that, my mind immediately goes back to Pollack scoring that impossible touchdown in Columbia, and Boss just jumping outta his shoes to block all those kicks and of course Michael Johnson and that miracle catch he made down there in Auburn that I still cannot believe he caught.... man oh man that was really something.

Folks, we've battled ungodly injuries and problems all season long, but we are in fact here playing the most important game we've played in a Dog's age...... I hate to say it, but the last time we played for something like this, me and Payne and Loran were all a lot younger and had a lot more hair and a lot more other stuff as well.... it has been a half million years, or so it seems.... but it still just as sweet and your nerves are still just as jumpy and you still break out in a sweat thinking about what this could mean to this program and all those crazy Dog fans out there diggin' out all that old 1980-something gear to try and get us a little luck in this thing. And then of course, you cannot.... you absolutely under no circumstances can allow yourself to think about that game with Virginia Tech and you know who..... your mind simply cannot handle the strain of what happens if those guys go down and the Dogs somehow make this thing a one-sided affair.

So Arkansas comes into this thing, and they've had one of those destiny-type seasons too now, just looking like something out of 1936 or something with that option they run... and that big, lanky kid at quarterback can really operate in that thing.... and he's got that little Talley kid who can just turn it on and take it all the way seemingly with ease.... Man, did that kid just shred Auburn and LSU and killed 'em with those quick little steps.... he just ran the whatchamacallit outta that thing.

Forget about the season now and all those games before... it's all past, it's all ancient history and means absolutely nothing in this one. The guy that wins this thing will be the SEC champion and on his way to New Orleans and the BCS, and the loser will have all winter to think about it and what relive might have been...... man, somebody's leavin' here with a broken heart and somebody's gonna be celebrating into the wee hours..... and I got my cigar ready, Payne. You better not wait like you did twenty years ago, Payne when you almost cost us that thing down in Auburn..... Jeff Sanchez really saved our hide and yours....

Loran, whaddayagot?"

2002-12-06T04:27:00.000-05:00

I believe every time you have the opportunity to interact with someone, the potential to learn something from that person is immeasurable. In that sense, I've learned things from all of you, and hopefully, I have provided the same opportunity to you. Continuing this line of reason, the people you interact with the most are the ones which leave the biggest impression on your life. In my personal case, these people are my family. The purpose of this speech is to encourage all of you to do something that most of us rarely do, I want you to tell your parents, and siblings and how much, and why you love them. Sure, we tell them before we go back to school or during the holidays that we love them, but we never tell them why. In my case, I used tell my parents that I love them with about as much conviction as I recited the Pledge of Allegiance all through school. Three things have happened to my family in the last couple of years which has stressed their importance to me. These three things are, my dad losing his job, my grandfather battling inevitable death due to emphysema, and my brothers moving away from me.

I grew up in the, upper-middle class suburbs of Atlanta. My father and I were never really close at all. He was always traveling during the week. However, I knew that he loved me and what not, we just never developed a close relationship. My dad used to be the Senior Vice President of a company listed on the New York Stock exchange. When this company was first started, they didn’t have the cash-flow to pay their employees in cash. So, in order to convince people to work for them, they paid in stock-options. These stock-options could then be converted to cash once the company became public and sold ownership of their company in the stock market. When the company went public in 1998, each share was valued at around $7.00/share. That doesn’t sound like much, but, whenever you have been paid in tens of thousands of stock options the last ten years of your life, the total accumulated wealth is substantial. This reality allowed my family to live an extremely comfortable life. However, this life-style was drastically changed in September of 2001. Basically, the company's stock went from 5.00 to pennies in less than 3 hours. A week later, the company started to downsize. My father, for the first time in his life was unemployed. At first, it was no big deal, he was confident that he'd get a job. He did, and after two months of being with the new company, they let go of him. My father now sales used cars at CarMax. Through all of this, my father's character was, and still is, impeccable. He wouldn’t allow us to feel sorry for him or ourselves. I have always admired his work ethic. He has this incredible drive and determination to accomplish his goals. Now, after seeing him faced with tremendous adversity, he has impressed me beyond my widest dreams. My father, in the year he has been unemployed has taught me more about life and perseverance than I would have ever learned had this event not occurred.

My grandfather's battle with emphysema was the second realization I had of how important my family is to me. There are so many features of my character that are a direct result of my grandfather. This features are so evident that you'd think I would realize how important he is to me before now. Im sure I did, I just don’t think I ever really appreciated what type of person he has made me. First off, my grandfather loves dogs and all animals. My grandfather used to take us to Zoo Atlanta every time he would visit us. We spent countless weekends watching Willie Bee. My grandfather also has taken in many a stray dog. He has three dogs now, who were all strays. My grandfather also loves baseball with a passion. He is the reason that I love baseball. Now, my grandfather cannot leave his house. He is basically in the final days. He smoked cigarettes everyday of his life for fifty years. As a side-bar real quick, if you smoke, please stop. Thanks to cigaretters, my grandfather will not see me get married, my grandfather will never get to see his great grandchildren, and at the rate the Atlanta Braves are going, my grandfather will never see them win another World Series Championship. However, my grandfather has gotten to see me mature and develop into a close resemblance of himself. Hopefully, for both of our sakes, he is very proud of that.

The final thing that stressed the importance of family to me was my brothers moving away. My older brother spends thirty weeks out of the year traveling from city-to-city building engines for an NHRA drag team. The team is based out of South Carolina and during the offseason, he travels to other countires riding around on his bicycle. Yeah, see, you guys thought I was weird. I cannot tell you how proud I am of my little brother. My little brother dropped out of college a couple months ago. Normally, that’s not something you boast to people about. However, he is making more money than I could ever hope to make upon graduation. Patrick is a computer genius. He can sit in front of a computer and be content wiriting thousands of lines of code for specific software projects his company assigns him. No lie, the kid is the Michael Jordan of computer programmers. He left school when he realized he already knew what they were going to teach him the next three years of his life. Yep, he just turned 20. Those two guys living away from me just eats me up. Because we all had fun together. Especially Patrick and I.

During the past year, our family has gone through a rough time. However, I truly believe it is for the best. Obviously, I always loved my family. But I never stopped to think why I loved them. This last year has painted that picture clearly in my mind. The idea that my father, determined to support his family would take a job selling used cars at CarMax…when he used to have a corner-office in the middle of Buckhead; the realization that my grandfather has had so much to do with me as a person, and the fact that my brothers moving away made me understand how important they were to me. Missing in this speech is my mother. Yes, don’t' worry, I love my mother. She has been the glue that has held this whole operation together, and for that, I give her maximum respect.

I really admire the work of Dennis Miller, I think he sums up the whole idea of what a family represents by stating:

"Your family are the people who cut you the most slack. I mean, when the host of Family Feud says, "Name something you find in a refrigerator" you answer, "A dictionary" while the rest of America is screaming "You Moron!" at their TV sets, whose clapping and saying, "Good Answer!!!! Good Answer!!!"? Your Family, that’s who."

At first, I was going to give a speech convincing you all why you should hate your family. The original speech was going to be a speech riddled in sarcasm and I was hopeful that the actual message of loving your family would be transparent. However, once I finished the original speech, I decided that, due to my sarcasm, the reasons why I love my family would seem insignificant, and I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to belittle these reasons at all. Discussing my feelings is extremely tough for me, I come from a family where you wear your emotion on a sleeve. However, when I told my parents all these reasons a month ago, I saw how happy it made them. Happiness is the best gift you can give anyone. After hearing this speech, the first opportunity you get, call up the members of your family and tell them how much you love and appreciate them. Give them a gift that will mean much more to them then that crappy vase you created in 3rd grade art class.

2002-12-05T04:59:00.000-05:00

Coldplay

Dont worry, this isnt an entry about how much I hate something. This entry is about how great the band Colplay is. I started listening to Coldplay around August or September. Their latest album, "A Rush of Blood to the Head", is unreal. I listen to that album over and over again and cannot get over the complexity involved in it all. Its fucking unbelievable. Its one of the few CDs that I will listen to and just think to myself, "Holy fuck, how did they do that". See, I love Oasis, but they arent that intricate....Oasis is heavy chrods with reverb. Coldplay...I cant even begin to describe their style. They use a piano like a gutair....but the gutair still provides the aggresiveness to complement a great rhythm section. The only words I can think to describe it is beautiful. I urge you, go out and buy the CD. If you dont want to buy it, I'll burn it for you...because I know once you hear it you will be hooked for life. You wont be able to contain yourself its so fucking good.

2002-12-03T01:26:00.000-05:00

"I am Tiger Woods", Therefore, I am a piece of shit.

Tiger Woods can fucking save it. Seriously, Ive fucking had it with that guy. First off, hes the biggest pussy on the face of the Earth. NEWS FLASH: Tiger, its ok to have an opinion. Go ahead and take a fucking stand for once in your life.

All these femi-nazi's are going bonkers because women arent allowed into Augusta National Country Club. Look, women can play golf there, women can eat there, women can even complain there. However, women cant be a member there. Why? Because you will ruin it. Trust me, you will. It will be in good faith, but you will find a way to fuck it all up. Does the name EVE mean anything to you. We were all banished from the Garden of Eden because of Eve. You know who started the prohibition movement, women. You know why Kurt Cobain killed himself, Courtney Love.

So anyways, all of these women want Tiger Woods to take a stand on the Masters. And Tiger wont do it. Hes a pussy. He should wear a Doug Christie jersey for his fucking uniform. He talks out of both sides of his mouth. He's too scared to piss anyone off. He is probably the most influential person in America. Hes a minority, who dominates the sports world. When he talks, people will listen. However, he doesnt talk. He just reads the politically correct answers his agent gives him for fear he might piss off someone, somewhere. Thats what pisses me off, his answers are scripted. Hes not fucking real. Hes a goddamn sports marketing robot that will do anything in order to not piss off someone who might control his Buick contract. I would respect the guy if he wanted women in the club, at least he took a stand.

I decided I really hated Tiger when I saw a Sportscenter highlight last night. Tiger is always bitching about people taking photos of him when hes getting ready to hit a STATIONARY ball. Apparently, the lens movement off-sets his concentration. He goes back to hit his ball and a he hears the flickering of a camera lens. IM SURPRISED GOD HIMSELF DIDNT APPEAR OUT OF THE HEAVENS A SEND A LIGHTENING BOLT AT THE SPECTATOR!!!!! Tiger acts like the world comes to an end. His caddie then takes the camera and throws it into a nearby lake.

Tiger Woods: FUCKING SAVE IT!!! Ive never seen a baseball player ask the crowd to be quiet so he can fully concentrate on the 90+ MPH slider that starts at his head and moves acorss to the center of the plate. Oh no, Tiger needs to have complete silence so he can focus on the stationary ball that he needs to hit to the stationary tee. Fuck off, Tiger Woods. Grow some balls....dont act like a hard ass whenever a camera is on you. How about taking a hardline attitude to the social-political climate of this world like you attack those assholes taking YOUR picture. Just shut the fuck up, Tiger Woods.

2002-11-29T23:36:00.000-05:00

Georgia Vs Georgia Tech

JB's analysis of the game tomorrow. (For those of you who dont know, JB is one of my best friend who goes to Tech):

"I have to put my faith in AJ Suggs...and thats like putting your faith in social security. Sometimes, its not even enough to get by"

Well put JB, now go back to your faggot school and FUCK OFF!!!!!

2002-11-28T17:07:00.000-05:00

Quick Thoughts:

Im glad I didnt grow up in south Georgia.

Tyler isnt really whipped, Im just fucking with him.

And Id rather sleep with Sharon Osbourne than Kelly Osbourne.

2002-11-26T12:51:00.000-05:00

Tyler and a Few Other Will Get This....

What do I get one of my best friends, Tyler Faulkner, for Christmas? A Doug Christie jersey perhaps?

If you missed the joke heres an excerpt from my favorite columnist, Bill Simmons. He is fucking hillarious, he writes for ESPN.com

Question: What's the story with Doug Christie?
Did you see that New York Times article about Christie and his wife, the piece that resulted in the Whipped Hall of Fame being quickly changed to the Doug Christie Memorial Hall of Fame? Everyone has that one buddy who constantly makes up lame excuses because his wife or girlfriend won't let him leave the house, but Christie takes it to another level. This is unprecedented stuff. Few things have rendered me speechless over the years, but check out some of these tidbits:

You know when Christie raises his arm, extends his pinky and index fingers and signals into the air? He's actually signalling "I love you" to his wife (Jackie), something that happens 50-60 times a game, even during crunch-time. It's almost like he suffers from a whipped version of Tourette's.

Some direct quotes and excerpts: "With few exceptions, Doug Christie does not look at other women, avoiding dialogue or even direct contact" ... The Christies remarry every year on their anniversary, "not a mere renewal of their wedding vows but an actual wedding -- replete with friends, family cake and a reception" ... Mrs. Christie attends 25-30 of the Kings road games, always riding on the team charter ... "(She) arrives before games with her husband and leaves with him after" ... "She sends him a note in the locker room before every game, taken there by a team attendant. He writes a reply and sends it back" ... "Sometimes on the road, Jackie will ride in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug until he arrives at the hotel or arena."

(I kept waiting for this part: "When Doug asked if he could attend Mateen Cleaves' bachelor party this season, his wife burned his clothes and set his BMW convertible on fire.")

My favorite part: "When Christie played for the Raptors, his wife once confronted a female fan seeking an autograph and a kiss in Toronto. 'A security guard grabbed her, but I put my hand up and told her to back off really loud,' she said. 'It scared me, because my voice sounded like a demon ... she was touching someone she shouldn't have been.'"

I guess there are three appropriate reactions here:

1. If you had one TV wish, wouldn't it be for the Christies to appear on "Temptation Island." I always write how this-and-that would make for the greatest TV series ever, but realistically, a "Temptation Island" with the Christies ... that would never be topped in the annals of TV history. That's the Comedy Ceiling right there, isn't it? Even my idea for the HBO talk show with Corey Haim, Corey Feldman and an open bar couldn't come close.

2. If you were granted an alternate TV wish, wouldn't it be for an "Osbournes"-style reality-TV show called "The Christies"? Just Doug getting harassed by his wife in episodes entitled "I wasn't looking at her!" and "I told you, that was Peja's fiancee!"

3. From this point forward, doesn't Christie's replica Kings jersey immediately become the best possible way for a group of guys to humiliate one of their emasculated buddies? Let's say you have that one friend who's spending a little too much time with a new girlfriend, and it seems like she's wearing the pants in the family, to the point that your buddy has been blowing you off. BOOM! Everyone chips in five bucks, you purchase the Christie jersey, and you mail it anonymously to him.

2002-11-26T08:41:00.000-05:00

"I Got Shit"

Great song by Pearl Jam.

2002-11-26T08:19:00.000-05:00

This Band Kicks Absolute Ass:

Millencolin.....they are a punk band from Sweden, (I think). Anyways, I saw them on Warped tour in 1997. After seeing them, I bought their first CD, "life on a plate". Their latest CD, "Pennybridge Pioneers", is fucking awesome. The CD is nearly three years old, but its still bad ass. Anyways their best songs are "No Cigar", "Bullion", "Penquins and Polarbears". Ive been listening to them all night long. Theyve got some good shit. Think NOFX...but more polished.